Mystified Mom

What Does it Take to Homeschool?

2012-02-15T15:05:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine recently posted something about being against somebody homeschooling. Oddly enough, I found myself agreeing with my friend. It seems that some people hold the belief that homeschooling can be done by anybody for any reason. On one hand, I agree with this completely. On the other hand, I have a problem with the idea that everybody should homeschool because schools are inherently evil and are damaging children. I have been mulling this over in my head and decided to write a post about what it takes to homeschool. Homeschooling can be full of roses and sunshine but it takes work. It doesn't just happen.

I am going to highlight a few things that I think are essential to homeschooling. I am sure that you can go to any website that advocates homeschooling and find out all about different curricula or state laws or all of the wonderful things about homeschooling. I am also pretty sure that you can go to a lot of websites that will try to sell you on homeschooling. Many of them will even offer to consult with you about it for a small fee.

It seems that one of the things that a person doesn't find is a balanced and realistic view of what it takes to homeschool.

Commitment

First and foremost, homeschooling requires a huge commitment from the parent. At first, I wrote that you have to be committed to home education. As I thought about it some more, I realized that there needs to be a commitment to the child more than a commitment to home education. If you and your child don't get along and you hate being together, homeschooling doesn't make sense. Homeschooling can help with strained parent/child relationships but it is not guaranteed. It requires the parent to be committed to his or her child. Without the commitment to the child, homeschooling can become just like school only it is done at home with the parent in charge instead of teachers.

You have to be committed to learning. That learning may involve home education but it could just as easily involve school. There are lots of different approaches to learning so you must be committed to wading through all of the information to find what works for your family. For me, the child should be the center of any decision being made about learning or education. A parent's hatred of the school, the teachers, or anything else should not be the guiding factor. The child and his or her happiness should be placed ahead of a parent's personal or political agendas.

In the Facebook post that I mentioned in the introduction, somebody responded "Or, like me, you can just know that what the public school is doing to your children is wrong! Pull them all out the same day, then grow into the role. The important thing is that you love your kids enough to make the change and do the job as best you can. I began with a canned curriculum and ended up unschooling. My children are awesome because they can do anything they set their minds to. I do not regret a minute of it. Claim the liberty while you can! Either way, there is so much more support and resources now than when I began in 1987."

I feel compelled to respond to this because homeschooling requires more than loving your children enough. Lots of people love their children and choose not to homeschool. Lots of people love their children but do not have the wherewithal to make the changes necessary to pursue a life of home education. For me, homeschooling is a way of life. It is a lifestyle that we have chosen and we are very committed to making it work. If at some point it stops working, then we will consider school as an option. For us, our commitment is to our children rather than one specific way of doing things.

I don't know the specifics behind the original statement about being against the idea of homeschooling. In the original context, it seemed to me that homeschooling was being chosen because the parent was too lazy to take the child to school. If a parent is committed to giving their child a life that is better than what the school has to offer, then I am all for it. If homeschooling is being chosen so the parent can be lazy and isn't truly committed to home education, then I am NOT all for it. I know somebody whose kids were having trouble in school so she pulled them out to homeschool them. She tried it for a year or two but it didn't work out for a host of reasons. She moved to a different district and put her kids in a completely different school and gave them a fresh start. The parent was committed to doing what was best for the children and didn't let her dislike of schools stand in the way of doing what was best for her children. Her commitment was to her kids. Even though her kids went back to school, she continued to advocate for them. A parent can advocate for his/her child whether the child is in school or not. Parents shouldn't let their own baggage get in the way of their children.

I also want to add that you need to be committed to questioning. Question those at the schools that tell you that school is the only way. Question those homeschoolers that tell you that homeschooling is the only way. When it comes to your child, ask lots and lots of questions and don't settle until YOU and YOUR FAMILY have enough information to make a truly informed decision.

Attitude

I had originally labeled this section "being positive" but realized that there are a lot of really negative people that have chosen to homeschool and have been. Sure, you can homeschool and be a Negative Nelly but the experience is likely to suck. The other day, I was reading a discussion thread and somebody said something that I really liked. It was something along the lines of "Don't do things to get away from the negative, do things to move towards the positive." I love that and I think it really applies when making the decision to homeschool. If you are choosing to homeschool because you hate schools and the current education system, that isn't going to be nearly as effective as choosing to homeschool because you want to give your child something that is positive. I know that it sounds a bit like semantics but I think it really impacts the overall success of homeschooling. I know this because I was once one of the ones that figured that anything had to be better than school. It didn't take me long to figure out that I was sabotaging my own efforts by focusing on so much negativity. Now my attitude is that it doesn't really matters what happens in schools. I am aware of the drawbacks of school but I am also aware of the drawbacks of homeschooling. In order to avoid the potential drawbacks of homeschooling, it requires me to have an attitude of openness so I can continually evaluate what we are doing.

My main concern is the children that I live with and what they are doing. It is up to each family as to what learning is going to look like in that particular household. I know what works in our house and I have no business trying to push that on anybody else. If somebody else wants information about homeschooling, I will be more than happy to share. I don't really want to be one of the ones that goes around trying guilt other parents for making a decision that is different from mine. I don't need you to make the same decisions as me.

Parental Agreement

This is another big one that I don't see mentioned much. I see lots and lots of parents, especially women, come to the various homeschooling fora asking how to get their spouses on board with homeschooling. My first thought is usually, you shouldn't have started homeschooling if your spouse doesn't agree with it. Unless you are a single mom and have nothing to do with the dad, then both parents should have a say in whether or not a child is homeschooled. You can make whatever argument you want about how bad schools are but that is not going to work if the other parent doesn't have a similar view. Taking the negative approach makes you look crazy and it does nothing to communicate the potential advantages of homeschooling.

A lot of times, getting the other parent to agree involves:

Actually listening to what the other parent has to say. Most of the concerns that the other parent has about homeschooling are valid concerns. They are probably concerns that have been voiced by lots of people. Dismissing those concerns and not fully addressing them is going to make homeschooling a struggle if not impossible.
Taking the time to do some actual research to show that you are aware of the pros and cons of homeschooling. Show the other parent that you know what you are talking about and that you aren't some crazed lunatic that wants to be part of some trend. It seems that homeschooling has become rather trendy in some circles.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Do not do anything until the decision to homeschool has been discussed and agreed upon by both parents. If the parents are married and one person decides to leave the other one out of the decision making process, that could lead to family discord. If there are custody issues involved, pushing the idea of homeschooling could lead to some ugly court stuff.

If you are the parent that wants to homeschool, the burden of proof falls on you. Sending your children to school is seen as way more acceptable than homeschooling in many circles. Homeschooling is awesome and wonderful but it is not widely accepted yet. It is gaining more and more support and acceptance but it still isn't there yet. Since homeschooling isn't the norm, then you have to be equipped with enough knowledge and information to help the other parent understand why you think your child should be homeschooled. If you are married and force the issue of homeschooling, it could easily lead to divorce. A happy and in tact family is going to be way better than a family that has been divided because of homeschooling.

I feel like parental agreement is something that isn't emphasized enough. Our homeschooling journey is pretty awesome because my husband and I agree on it. We may have to negotiate some of the specifics from time to time but overall we are in agreement that what we are doing is best for our family. I can't imagine trying to homeschool without having a partner that not only agrees but fully supports what we are doing. My partner takes a very active role in our homeschooling so it isn't me doing everything. One of the things that a lot of people fail to take into account is the fact that the parent that is against homeschooling will actually get more support. There are quite a few cases that involve custody issues. Here is a guide called Homeschooling, Divorce, and Custody Issues by Julie Shepherd Knapp. If a person is in a situation where custody issues are involved, that is going to create a possible hurdle for successful homeschooling. I am not saying that it is impossible but it may require extra work. Part of that work will involve being knowledgeable enough to speak to a judge and convince him/her that you are equipped to homeschool.

Knowledge/Information or the Ability to Obtain Knowledge/Information

There is that old saying, "Knowledge is power." When I talk about knowledge or information, I am not talking about a degree or education. I am talking about a person's ability to not only locate resource but use those resources. My husband and I do not know everything but we have created a rather large network of resources that include people, places, and things. If we don't know something, we are committed to doing the research to find it out. (There is that commitment word again.)

In the comment that I referenced above, a parent claims to have made the decision to homeschool and took the kids out of school at about the same time. Even if you don't know much about homeschooling when you make the decision to do it, you had better get up to speed pretty quickly. Knowing the person that made the comment, I am pretty sure that she was committed to finding out all of the necessary information. Even if she didn't have the knowledge at the outset, she was committed to getting it.

Knowledge of homeschooling laws and regulations is a key to being able to homeschool. People say that you need to claim your rights. Well, it is difficult to assert your rights if you don't know what those rights are. First, it is legal to homeschool in every state in the United States. However, each state has different legal requirements. In Texas, homeschooling is pretty easy. The problem is the fact that many schools like to overstep their authority when it comes to homeschooling in Texas. The only way around this is to know your legal rights. Since the average person does not know the homeschooling laws, it is good to be able to know them and whip them out when necessary. I have heard lots of stories of people calling CPS on families that were homeschooling because kids were outside playing during school hours. It doesn't happen a lot but it happens.

A lot of people that are pro-homeschooling fail to mention some of the things that parents need to be aware of when making the decision to homeschool. I am not mentioning divorce or child custody or CPS because I am trying to scare people. I am mentioning them because I think that those are issues that are largely ignored or swept under the carpet by those that frequently push homeschooling. For me, those things aren't really issues because I have done my homework. I know the laws for my state and I know that I am in complete compliance with all of the state laws. If somebody were to question me, I would have answers.

As I was rereading this, I realized that some people probably figured that I completely missed schoolish knowledge such as the basic subjects. If a parent is committed to finding information and is willing to recognize the gaps in his/her knowledge, then subject knowledge isn't as important. Subject knowledge helps but it isn't as necessary as being willing to admit your weaknesses and find ways to address them. That is what curriculum, homeschool classes and coops, and the Internet is for when it comes to some of the subject stuff. If a parent has the knowledge or ability to find information, then pretty much all of the gaps can be filled in as needed.

Resources

And last but not least, the thing that a person needs most to homeschool is resources or access to resources. When I say resources, I am not talking about financial resources alone. Personal resources such as patience and creativity are more important than having a lot of money. If you aren't patient or creative, then you need to have a large network of people to work with you on this.

I think patience is the number one personal resource needed because it requires a lot of patience to be with your child for extended amounts of time. Don't take that statement as kid bashing. Any time people share the same space for extended amounts of time, you are going to need patience. Navigating any relationship takes patience. Instead of your child being at school for 7-8 hours a day, your child is going to be with you. Personally, I have no problems with that. Since I am a realist, I know that there are people that do not have that kind of patience. I have had several friends tell me that. Rather than judge them, I respect them for being that honest. Instead of attacking me or homeschooling, they admit that they don't have the patience to spend that much time with their kids. It is an honest fact. If you don't have any patience with your kids, then homeschooling isn't for you.

Creativity is another personal resource that I think is super important for homeschooling. Creativity comes into play when your child wants something but you don't have the money to buy the tools brand new. Creativity allows me to pick up things at thrift stores and garage sales that will give us more opportunities to learn stuff. Creativity is finding ways to use common things in uncommon ways. Creativity is what helps me connect the dots and find physical resources.

I don't want to go into the physical resources too much because those will vary based on how you decide to approach homeschooling. If you want to use a pre-packaged curriculum, then that might be pretty pricey depending on what you choose. Also, how much money you will need will depend on whether or not you want to supplement home learning with organized classes or lessons. Lots and lots of homeschooling co-ops exist. Some are free and some require a small fee depending on what types of lessons are being taught. In many cases, the classes or lessons are also taken by kids that go to school and would be taken whether a kid is being homeschooled or not. An example would be the piano lessons or karate classes that the girls have taken in the past.

Honesty or Self-reflection

I added this section as an afterthought because as I was re-reading things I noticed that I had not said anything about the parent being honest with themselves about why they are homeschooling. I didn't say anything about truly assessing the situation. If your kid is in school and you want to pull him or her out, you need to know WHY you are doing it. If your child has never been to school and you never intend to send them to school, then you need to know WHY you are doing it. My girls have never been to school. I don't know if they will go at a later date or not. I continue to homeschool them because I really enjoy being with them and they seem to enjoy being with me. I have given them the option of going to school but they choose to continue to homeschool.

I am editing this after the original post because I want to make a note about safety in the section on honesty. A parent needs to be able to be really honest with themselves about whether or not his/her child is safe at school. If your child is being bullied or is in an unsafe situation at school or because of school, then part of your commitment to your child should dictate that you do whatever it takes to make sure that your child is safe. Homeschooling is a quick solution that will buy you some time to make other arrangements in the event that homeschooling won't work long term. A lot of parents dismiss bullying and other unsafe situations as "part of childhood". As a parent, you need to take ALL of your children's concerns seriously. If your child is not safe, then that should trump all else.

*******

What I have stated above gets at what I think is necessary for homeschooling. I am sure that some of what I have said above will piss some people off. I know homeschooling advocates that seem to think that all kids should be homeschooled no matter what. When you try to tell them the realities of your life, they will claim that you are making excuses. They will lay a guilt trip on you about how much you are damaging your child by letting them go to school. I have figured out that I am not really a homeschooling advocate. I am more of a child advocate, which means that I understand that some kids are probably better off in school. I get really tired of people painting homeschooling out to be some kind of sunshine and roses that anybody can do with little or no effort. It takes effort to homeschool. It takes more than love to homeschool. It takes patience, perseverance, honesty, realism, and creativity. If you don't want to put in the effort to homeschool, then don't do it. Let your kids go to school.

Sexism

2012-02-05T21:31:00.000-06:00

Today while playing Minecraft, our 7 year old started complaining. When I asked what was up, she said, "I hate sexism." Then, she went on to explain that somebody had made a kitchen mod and then said, "Now all I need is a housewife mod." At 7, she is already sensitive to these types of things. Our oldest is also very sensitive to this stuff too. I felt the urge to post about this because of something that happened on Facebook.

A friend of mine posted the following:

First, why the hell would it matter whether the guys were drinking or not? Do women and parents have to monitor what they do based on whether or not somebody is going to be drinking? To begin with, I don't like the original question. As the mom of four daughters, I have thought long and hard about this issue. It is not up to me to dictate what my children wear. I may give them information about clothing and what is considered appropriate in different settings but I am not going to tell them that they cannot choose what to wear when going to a party unless said party is being hosted by a church or other venue that may have a dress code or other expectations regarding apparel.

I reposted the image above because I really liked the sentiment. When I read the above, I read it as an indictment against the idea that parents can scare their kids into behaving certain ways by threatening them with potential violence. If a parent tells a daughter, "You can't dress like that or you are asking to be raped," then the parent is using the threat of violence to get her daughter to comply. I don't think I have ever heard a parent tell a boy, "You had better not mess with a girl or her mom/dad will come after you." That sort of thing simply has not come up. There is this huge double standard that becomes more and more obvious as time goes on. The weird thing is that much of this has come to my attention because of our girls. They notice things that don't phase me because I saw and heard so much sexism in schools, in the workplace, and everywhere else.

All this talk of sexism and double standards reminds me of a joke my dad once told me:
Question: "What's a slut?"
Answer: A slut is a girl with the morals of a guy.

Parents wouldn't threaten their boys with physical harm from a third person to keep them from doing certain things yet it seems to be perfectly acceptable to threaten girls with rape if they don't dress right. I took the post down from Facebook because somebody interpreted it as me promoting violence. The responses that I received were "meeting violence with violence perpetuates the cycle of violence, not consent and peace" and "might doesn't make right". When I posted the above, I thought those things were implied. To me, the above showed how ridiculous it is for somebody to bring up rape with regards to a daughter dressing like a slut. If the only reason to dress "appropriately" is to avoid being raped, then that completely misses the point.

When I was in college, I dressed in a way that many people would consider slutty. Why did I do it? In many cases, it was to be comfortable. I live on the Gulf Coast where it can get rather hot during the summer. Short shorts and tank tops or crop tops were a heck of a lot cooler than wearing long shorts or pants. Really, I don't know why anybody should have to justify how they dress to another person. If a woman dresses in a way that is considered slutty and is raped, then it somehow becomes her fault. If a parent really did beat the crap out of a kid for hurting his/her daughter, the law would completely ignore what the child did to "deserve" it. However, if a woman is attacked, it is somehow blamed on her for not dressing or acting in a way that fits societal expectations.

As the mom of four girls, these types of things really bother me. In our house, there are no real divisions of labor. The only thing that my husband can't do is nurse the babies or give birth. I can say that but I must add the caveat that, when I had my babies at home, my husband prepared for it as much as I did. He read information about how to support a woman during labor and delivery. He helped me keep the house clean and he did everything he could to make my life easier. He may not be able to actually breastfeed a baby but he did everything he could to make it easier for me to have a successful nursing relationship with our children. There were days when he would come home from work and cook dinner, do the laundry, and clean up the house. What was I doing? I was nursing the babies and caring for them.

Our girls have no concept of what it is like to live in a house where people are assigned duties or judged based on gender. When they ask me questions about stuff that is sexist, I don't always know how to answer because I have become so accustomed to those sorts of things. When people find out I have all girls, it seems that the next question is "So are you going to try for a boy?" Um, no, I have never tried to have a specific gender. I am happy with my children just the way they are. I am not disappointed that I have all girls and I really don't care about family names. In this day and age, people can change their name just because. I don't like it that people have made it their business to complain about me having all girls.

Another factor that has all of this on my mind is a recent post over at Parenting for Social Change. The most recent post was about The Mommy Wars and how "women's" work is typically devalued. I can homeschool four children and work part time from home but the perception of others is that I am not doing enough or that I need to do more. I have been able to put others out of my head but now I must silence my own negativity and doubt. I am doing enough. I don't need to go back to school or add a bunch of stuff to my resume. I love being a mom and nothing brings me more joy than being able to watch our girls learn and grow. I learn as much from them as they learn from me.

I don't consider myself an activist but this is one area where I think my girls are really benefiting from our homeschooling journey. Since they are not exposed to many stereotypes or forced to agree with them, they see many things for what they are. Our discussions of pre-judging people based on gender has led to lots of discussions about pre-judging others based on race, class, age, education, and many of the other things that are used as an excuse to treat others like crap. At the end of the day, we are all part of the same race, the human race. I love that my girls are so young and so aware of these sorts of things.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2012-01-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

Recently, I was faced with a situation where it didn't seem like there was a "good" decision. As a result, I had to weigh the pros and cons of all of the decisions and go with the one that seemed to be the lesser of all evils. I absolutely hate it when I feel like that. I think lots of people face these kinds of situations, which is why you have lots of people making decisions that appear to be bad from the perspective of outsiders.

I am not sure why I am writing about this other than to get it off my chest. I am not going to share the specifics of the decision that I felt I had to make because I am sure that lots of people would be more than eager to tell me what I did wrong. Yes, I know, I should have been a lot more proactive at the outset but the problem is that being proactive would have required me to make other decisions that would run contrary to some of my core beliefs. I do not live in a vacuum and I must take other people into consideration when I make decisions for myself or my family. That is the hard part.

Every time I think about the decision making process, I get a bit annoyed because it seems like a lot of people want to give you information to sway you to doing what they think is best rather than doing what is actually possible or realistic based on individual circumstances. The one example that comes to mind is homeschooling. Lots and lots of people rail against the public school system. Lots and lots of people talk about how bad and horrible schools are. Lots of people will tell you that schools are nothing but prisons and that all they do is damage children. I know that lots of people say these things. I used to be one of them and I used to be a part of quite a few crowds that spent lots of time trying to convince all of the people that they met that schools are evil. Because schools are evil, teachers and anybody else that works within the school system are evil. I am not going to comment on whether schools are evil or not. Really, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. At the end of the day, what matters is what each individual family thinks and feels. What matters most is whether or not each individual family is happy and is thriving.

Maybe I am oversimplifying things but I think one of the questions that is often overlooked is, "What do I, as the parent, need to do in order to make our family life as happy and wonderful as possible?" I think the overall happiness level of the family has the power to override or counteract an awful lot. I am sure that there will be residual effects from the decision that my husband and I had to make but I think in the long term and short term the effects will be mostly positive. Yes, I did something that I swore I would never ever do but I didn't see any way around it. In ideal circumstances, I could have and would have done things very differently. The point is that circumstances were not ideal. The point is that I spent lots of time agonizing over what to do.

Hopefully, as we move forward, we can figure out how to make some changes so that this type of situation will not arise again. If I could dictate circumstances, then, yes, those changes will be made. Since I cannot control everything, then I have to be okay with the fact that I may or may not be able to do what I would like to do. One of the things about the decision making process is that it is best done when one is willing to continually receive and evaluate information and make changes accordingly.

I see the decision making process as something that is fluid rather than static. Some people have drawn a line in the sand and said "I will never do <fill in the blank>." There are some things that I would like to say that I will never ever do but then I am reminded that I am not a fortune teller. I am also reminded of my journey through life. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I never dreamed of having a home birth. If you had told me then that I would go on to have three more children and have them all at home, I would have probably laughed at you. When I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I thought that hospital births (and maybe birthing centers) were the only possibilities. As I gained new experiences and new information, my mind changed.

Another example is me studying to be a teacher. When I was in college, I wanted to work with kids. I have always loved kids and my first choice of careers was to be a child psychologist. I decided to study education instead. I saw it as a way to help kids learn and to really make a difference in the lives of children. I had a few teachers in my life growing up that really made a difference and that is what I wanted to do. Fast forward a bit to my student teaching experience. It was horrible. I didn't like the school and the other teachers didn't like me. I wasn't authoritative enough. I wasn't teachery enough. At the time, I didn't understand what the problem was. Now that I am older and have had a lot more experience, I realize that the problem was that I wasn't pushy enough. Teachers need to be kind of pushy because so many students don't really want to be there. I am not going to comment on whether that is good or bad. It is what it is. My children will always have the option of going to school. Our decision to homeschool is a decision that is constantly under review. If our circumstances ever change or if one of the girls ask to go to school, I will happily let them go. My goal isn't to hate anything. My goal is to have a happy, healthy family.

The whole point is that I have tried to see pretty much everything from a more balanced perspective. I have tried to move away from drawing lines in the sand because I feel that drawing those lines impairs my ability to make well thought out decisions. So, when it comes to making decisions, be wary of taking things off the table. You never know when you may find yourself in a situation where the best solution is the one that you have already ruled out.

Happy New Year: An Update of Sorts

2012-01-17T12:10:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am a bit late with this. January is already half way over and I haven't written anything since November. The holidays were a whirl wind and I didn't accomplish much of what I set out to accomplish. The kids and I were sick for a good chunk of December. My youngest has some health problems and has to go in for a procedure. If you are reading this, please send healing energy, prayers, good vibes, or whatever other good mojo you happen to believe in at the moment.

I have a few posts that I have started writing but I lost momentum before finishing them. I hope to get them finished and posted sooner than later. The course that I teach online has started so I will be spending a lot of time with that. A lot of different things have come up during the holidays. They are nothing major but they definitely caused me to stop and think.

Everybody starts out the year with a New Year's resolution. I don't really have a resolution other than to make it to next year alive and in one piece. Our girls and the other kids in our lives are steadily growing older. Some of my nieces and nephews have children of their own. That is weird for me because I spent so much time with them over the years. One thing that I have learned from that is to cherish every second. One day, I will wake up and my kids will be grown. All of the little frustrations that come with having small children will be long forgotten and life will look nothing like it looks today. Time flies by so fast that, if you are not careful, you will miss all of the special little moments that frequently happen. My life my not be full of flash and excitement but it is definitely full of some really awesome small moments. When one of my girls comes up and hugs me and tells me how much they love me, that is an awesome moment. When my nieces or nephews call me or come hang out with me, those are special moments.

When I am not writing, know that I am with my kids and my husband enjoying all of the ups and downs of being a family.

Gaslighting

2011-11-18T09:06:00.000-06:00

I recently read a fabulous article by Yashar Ali called "A Message to Women from a Man: You are Not "Crazy". I absolutely loved this article because it points out how women are routinely dismissed as crazy. I think the best thing about it is that it was written by a man. One of the things that I came away from the article with was a new term. Every time I learn a new word that describes something that I did not have a word for, I am happy. The new term that I learned was gaslighting.

According to the article, "Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy." I had no idea that there was a term for such thing. I thought it was just mental manipulation. It is a form of mental manipulation but it is worse than just a one time deal. It is the repeated attempts to dismiss another person so that the other person begins to question their own sanity.

After reading the above article, I was inspired to write about it. At first, I was simply going to write a response to the article but then decided that it might be a good idea to dig a little deeper into the concept of gaslighting because it is something that I think is done quite frequently, especially to children. Most of the articles that I read said that gaslighting is most frequently done to females within the male/female relationship. As I read the different sources, I found myself thinking about children. I found myself thinking about the times when I was a child that I was dismissed or made to feel crazy. Sometimes it was by parents, sometimes it was by teachers, and sometimes it was by other adults that were a part of our lives.

I am not sure where typical parenting ends and gaslighting begins in some cases. I am not even sure how to verbalize it because it seems so far out there. One of the articles that I read called "The Sad Art of Gaslighting" by Laura Kendrick states, "You know you’re in a full blown Gaslight Effect when you find yourself second guessing your own reality; when you’re unsure of what you really think and feel. Why? Because you’ve allowed someone else to define your reality for you. Invariably, this leads to being told what to think and how to think. And then in turn, you’re told who you are. You’re molded into an entity that someone else deems worthy of his or her love, affection; attention."

I am not going to claim that this is done by all parents and all adults but it is really worth thinking about. I know that when I was a child, I found myself second guessing my own reality a lot. I can't nail it down to one particular source because it seemed that my parents wanted me to be one thing while people at school wanted me to be something else entirely. I struggled with fitting in because I always felt like I was missing something. Even now, I sometimes think that there is something big that I am missing. I wonder if it is because of gaslighting or something else.

I have been a part of several different communities and it is weird how some communities want people to deny their own reality. Since I am an active part of the homeschooling community, that is where I see it most. There are a lot of homeschooling advocates that actively ridicule parents that choose to send their kids to public school. There are a lot of people within the homeschooling community that ridicule parents that do not subscribe to their particular homeschooling approach. It has been really difficult for me to navigate those waters. At first, I jumped on the anti bandwagon because I was immersed in what seemed like nothing but negativity towards public schools. Public schools are by no means perfect but neither is homeschooling. Both approaches have their advantages and disadvantages so, to me, it is a matter of assessing your own reality and seeing which one works best for your individual family. I sometimes find it difficult to make an honest assessment because of the defensiveness that is seen on both sides of the issue. Really, I think there is a lot of gaslighting that goes on. I don't know if it is deliberate or if it is an attempt to make one feel better about his/her own choices.

In one particular article, called "Gaslighting," which appears on the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website, it says, "Or the crazy-making can just be a side-effect and the gaslighting is done in order to preserve the Narcissistic Mother's vision of herself as perfect, without her actually having to do the stuff that would make her perfect." As I read that statement, I wondered how many people gaslight others to simply maintain the idea that they are somehow perfect. I see it as a common thread within certain communities. Certain communities seem to think that they have all of the answers and try to dismiss those that do not agree with them.

Sometimes, it isn't even a matter of agreeing or disagreeing but is a simple matter of asking questions. There is an article on Psychology Today that touches on how a simple question can end up with a person being put on the defensive. It is called "Are You Being Gaslighted?" by Robin Stern. The article talks about how gaslighting is typically done in stages. One of the stages is defense whereby you feel the need to defend your own actions against the person that is gaslighting. The article states:

The next stage is defense: where you are defending yourself against the gaslighter's manipulation. Think about it - you tell your boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments --- you ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed..... well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn't answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that - or redirect the conversation - you start defending yourself - telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed -- or, that the stress doesn't interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation.... going over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.

Maybe I am an anomaly or maybe I am crazy but there are some people that I talk to and wonder "What the hell did I do wrong?" I wonder "How did the conversation go from us talking to me getting bitched out for trying to ask a question or have a meaningful conversation?" After those types of conversations, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I have learned over the years that if I feel that way after talking to somebody, then perhaps I need to stop talking to that person or minimize contact or keep them at a distance. I have also gotten better at redirecting conversations or simply walking away. There is no need to defend myself because somebody that truly cares will not manipulate the conversation and turn into how bad of a person I am. Getting ready to talk to those people is almost like studying for a test because you know that whatever you say will be twisted and manipulated into things that will be used against you.

It is weird because I know what I think and feel but I am afraid to share that on most occasions because I know that what I say will be dismissed because it does not conform to some imaginary standard. Because I am a mom that participates in a lot of discussions about homeschooling, I have seen lots of people routinely manipulate others and make others feel bad. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I have been a part of that. I am actively working on changing that. I am actively trying to figure out how to state what I think and feel without making others feel bad for not thinking and feeling the same thing. I know that I have questioned myself on lots and lots of occasions because other people have repeatedly told me that I am seeing things incorrectly. There is only one way to see things and that is their way. I see this repeatedly in discussions about education.

In the article by Kendrick mentioned above, she says that you second guess yourself "Because you've allowed someone else to define your reality for you." Again, I can't move away from thinking about kids. From the moment a child is born, the parent is the primary player in defining reality for the child. The child has no choice and no say in the matter. How many times do you hear parents tell their children "Oh, you are not hurt." or "That's not scary." or "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about." or "Stop being a baby." or "Aren't you overreacting?" or, or, or. Parents routinely tell children that their perceptions about reality are wrong. If a child has a bad experience in school, the parent may diminish it and use it to punish the child. How many kids have made claims that a teacher has it out for them? How many parents actually listen? How many kids resist strangers but are forced to talk to them or at least be nice to them anyway?

Children are routinely forced to see the reality that adults choose for them to see. Adults very seldom present both sides to a child and merely present the side that they want their children to see. At one point Kendrick states, "Gaslighting I think, is all that I just mention, with refined manipulation added. And this is manipulation that’s defined by greed and selfishness. It creates cognitive dissonance and it’s this “in between state of cognizance” that women–people, find themselves most vulnerable." I think the greed and selfishness may be at the heart of what distinguishes parenting that is gaslighting and parenting that is not. I am not quite sure how phrase it but there is a tendency among some parents to focus on themselves and what they want without considering what the children want. If your parenting is centered around the parent, then there is a good chance that you may be inadvertently gaslighting your children.

I am not saying that this happens in all families. I am simply pointing out some things that popped into my head as I read the various articles. I am sure that most people have stories of a boss or a coworker that tried to gaslight. Some people may have had friends (romantic or otherwise) that were gaslighting them. It is actually pretty rampant. When I was trying to make sense out of it, it occurred to me that the reason that gaslighting is so prevalent is because the US is full of people that are narcissistic. According to Wikepedia, "narcissism" often means inflated self-importance, egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others." I found an article on Psychology Today called "A Field Guide to Narcissism." that explores narcissism a little more in depth. There are plenty of articles out there that talk about how narcissism is on the rise. If that is the case, then it makes perfect sense that gaslighting would also be on the rise.

I want to point out another quote from the Kendrick article about the typical gaslighter: "They think THEY are, in fact, the center of the universe. In reality, this blustery bravado masks rampant insecurity. Inside, they’re just scared little boys and girls , very much afraid to be hurt, yet they think they’re too smart, too superior to actually feel the pain they’ve so deeply buried." I wanted to highlight this quote because it might be worth checking your own baggage to make sure that you are not inadvertently gaslighting others in order to hide from your own insecurities. If you are a parent, I think it becomes even more important because kids need to be able to be able to grow up and feel secure and it is impossible to feel secure if people are continually questioning you or making you feel like you are nothing without them. At another point in the Kendrick article, she says that gaslighting is often "manipulation passed off as love or affection…or concern". She goes on to list some things that gaslighters say:

No one will love ever love you like I love you
(How many parents tell their children that nobody will love them like mommy or daddy does?)

You’re nothing without me (How many adults make children feel as though they owe the adults for everything because without a parent, teacher, coach, etc. children are nothing.)

I ONLY want to take care of you
(How many adults tell children that they are doing what they do because of love?)

I only want what’s best for you and only I know what that is
(Do I need to say anything here? I think every parent on the planet claims to only want what is best for their children.)

You have changed and grown so much since knowing me. I make you think and you are better because of it
(Parents may not say it directly but there is a tendency among some parents to take credit for a child's successes while blaming an child's failures on the child or others.)

The article that inspired this post focuses on gaslighting and women but I think it would be worth exploring it more in relation to children and even men. I think men are often silent victims. It is okay for a woman to be a victim but it is not okay for a man because being a victim implies weakness and what man wants to be seen as weak?

Power and Authority

2011-11-17T00:29:00.000-06:00

I have been reading and listening to a lot of ideas and for some reason they all seem to be connected. I think the common theme has to do with power and authority but I may change my mind later because it is all still stewing and cultivating. I think I am going to share some of the things that I have been reading and hearing and see if I can put it all together into something coherent. It is weird how things that seem completely different can be connected.

First, a friend of mine posted a Youtube video of George Carlin called "Genius: The Public Sucks"

As I watched this video, I found myself agreeing with him. Some people may think that agreeing with him means that I have given up hope of having a better world. That isn't the case at all. For me, I see it as a call to action. One of the things that Carlin says is that politicians come from American schools, American families, American businesses, etcetera. If you want better politicians, then you have to do something about the people that are feeding the political systems. Right now, the public sucks. Yes, there are lots of good things at the individual level. Individuals are awesome. Together, we suck!

One of my favorite writers these days is Teresa Graham Brett who writes at Parenting for Social Change. She has written a book of the same title but I have not had a chance to read it yet. I bring up her site because I think she is one of the few writers that I have found that says things in a way that I understand and can really support. There are a lot of people that write about similar topics in a similar vein but, for me, there is something missing. I haven't seen that in Brett's writings so far. So far, the idea of focusing on parenting as a way to change society really resonates with me. For the longest time, I was trying to figure out how to articulate what I was thinking because I had not yet come across anybody that I could really understand.

At the core of it is the idea that society will never change if we don't rethink how we treat our young people. One of the things Carlin says in the above video is "garbage in, garbage out," which captures the idea that if we treat our young people like crap, they are going to grow up with problems. Kids are going to grow up into adults that perpetuate the same crap over and over. Brett wrote a post over at Kindred Community that speaks about adultism. The title of the article is called "Adultism: The Hidden Toxin Poisoning Our Relationship with Children". The article begins with the following quote:

"In our own lives, even if we fight against racial injustice, even if we fight for world peace, even if we fight for a sustainable world, if we are using our power over the children in our lives, we are perpetuating injustice and oppression. We are setting children up to accept a world that is based on the more powerful controlling the less powerful."

To me, that speaks directly to what Carlin is saying. If you want better politicians, better families, better working conditions, better anything, you need to look further than just the surface. I hear a lot of people talk about politicians being out of touch. Really, they aren't out of touch as much as they are perpetuating the common idea that having power means that you use that power to control those that are less powerful. That idea is perpetuated through out society. Institutions are created that simply perpetuate that idea. Whether you are talking about education or medicine or even the arts, there is this notion that the person with the knowledge or skills or talent has some kind of power that should be used to shut others out. There is this "I am better" attitude. The sad thing is that the people that don't have the power fight to get power only to repeat the same behaviors. How many of us were children that saw and felt the injustices? How many of us simply accepted those injustices and then had kids of our own so that those injustices could be perpetuated without question?

It is weird that I am seeing this theme in literature that has nothing to do with parenting. It has nothing to do with anything that even hints of parenting. The friend that posted the Carlin video also posted a link to an article about Taylor Swift. It is called CMA 2011 Preview: We Were Wrong About Taylor Swift. I point out this article because it has the same theme as what Brett and Carlin say. One of the quotes in the article says: "This is important to all of us. Try saying that when you have a daughter, or a sister, or a niece, and you try to turn on the boob tube or the radio and find positive role models for them in adult culture. It is difficult to impossible. Our society is structured to turn our daughters into whores to keep an over-consumptive economic system in place. Bad culture creates bad people; the asshole on the help desk, or working at the restaurant." How much clearer can it be said than this: "Bad culture creates bad people"

And further down in the article it says, "So why not be inspired by a little girl’s dream that became a reality in Taylor Swift? Why not celebrate honest, true songwriting? Why not celebrate young women who actually fucking respect themselves for a change?"

Well, the answer to these questions go back to the idea of adultism. Adults do not celebrate truth in children. When children tell the truth, they are often punished. When children, especially young women, respect themselves, they are labeled as bitches or are completely dismissed. That plays into an idea that I read in an article this morning. It is an article in the Huffington Post by Yashar Ali called "A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not "Crazy". The article focuses on ways that women are routinely dismissed. It says, "Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they're crazy." This is done to women all the time. Really, it isn't just women that are treated this way. It is all people. How many times have you had a reaction to something only to be told that you are blowing it out of proportion? How many times is an honest reaction called judgment? It is difficult to navigate because on one hand people talk about wanting the truth but then can't handle the truth when faced with it.

We live in a society that claims to value honesty but routinely punishes people for being honest. I actually wrote a post about Lying and Trust in August of 2009 and then re-posted it in June of 2011. If people are honest about their emotions or feelings, they are dismissed or called names or labeled as mean or something worse. People claim to want honest politicians but who would elect somebody that aired all of their own dirty laundry from the get go? People want honesty but can't handle it when people are actually honest with them. I run into this a lot because I have a hard time lying. I have a hard time sugar coating things. I am probably one of those people that routinely give out too much information. I don't want to air my dirty laundry but I have a hard time figuring out how much is too much information and how much is not enough information.

As somebody that homeschools, I see a lot of people claim that homeschooling is some kind of cure to combat the evil school systems. I tend to not agree with that because I have seen people that use homeschooling to exert even more control over their children. They want more power and control over their children. They don't like the idea of a teacher telling their children what to do because they see that role as uniquely theirs. I have a difficult time articulating that I do not homeschool so I can have more control over my children. I homeschool so that I can give my kids rights. I want them to be able to eat when they are hungry, potty when they need to potty, and make basic decisions about their own lives. I have no desire to control anybody. I have no desire to have any power. There have been times when I could have very easily taken on a role of power or influence. My problem is that I hate what power does to people. I don't like it when people see me as an expert on something and put too much of an emphasis on what I am saying. As a result, I usually step aside or rethink my approach. It is hard to explain to people that I am neither a leader nor a follower. I don't like to lead or follow. I would much rather walk side by side.

Whether you are talking about schools or homeschooling, nothing is going to change as long as people continue to accept things as they are. You can look at schools in isolation of everything else and assume that they are the problem. You can look at business or politics or religion or anything else in isolation and assume that it is the problem. The truth, as I see it, is that you cannot look at any of these things in isolation. You must look at them together and look for the common threads. You must look at common themes in society and look for the origins of those themes. Most people pick up the common threads and common ideas as children. They spend a lifetime being told certain ideas. If those ideas are questioned, then the person is gaslighted into thinking that they are crazy.

I have a difficult time sorting all of this out because I see pretty much all choices as valid as long as the choice is made in order to honor yourself and each other. If you are coming from a place of superiority, than that is going to come through in everything that you say and do. I think that is something that I have a hard time communicating because some people have a problem when I try to say that there is no such thing as a one sized fits all solution to anything. Among some homeschoolers, it is almost taboo to say anything good about schools. Among parents that send their kids to school, it is almost taboo to say anything bad about schools. Another article that I saw posted today was "Why I send my children to public schools" by Robert Niles. I read it and I agreed with it for the most part. There were some things that bugged me but only because they propose a one sized fits all solution to a group of people that are anything but one sized. I don't think that you can say schools are for everyone when so many kids slip through the cracks. I don't think you can say that schools are great and wonderful and awesome all the time if you are going to point out that there are so many things that are wrong with society. I find it interesting that the author writes that the problem isn't with schools but is with child poverty. I may write more about this article later. For right now, I am simply putting this out there to think about. I think it goes along with the idea of power and authority but I am not quite sure how. I think part of it may be the emphasis on public schools as places where kids can go so they can get into world class colleges and do bigger, better things. It brings up a good point about money and how families with money are going to have kids that will probably succeed. The kids from families that have money are going to have power and authority no matter what method of education they choose.

As I write all of this, I find myself wondering what the answer is. For me, the answer is to become the type of parent that throws most of the traditional wisdom out of the window. Throwing traditional ideas out the window does not mean that you have to homeschool either. I think a person needs to recognize the inherent value of the human person and include children in that definition. If you don't question the pecking order, it doesn't matter whether you homeschool or not. If you don't question the pecking order, nothing will change.

I have four daughters and I do not want them to perpetuate the ideas that are so predominant in society. I don't want them to buy into the idea of being a whore. I don't want them to be dismissed because they are children or because they are female or any other reason. Part of not dismissing others is questioning myself and trying to evaluate how I am using my own power and authority. Part of it involves me figuring out where I fit into the bigger picture. It is very difficult for me because it means that I have to question my own authority as well as the authority of those around me. Brett recently posted a YouTube video about questioning one's own authority:

I love this video because it talks about music and how music is so great about communicating injustices. She focuses specifically on punk rock music but I think that all music does this whether you are talking about country or rock or punk or pretty much any other genre. My favorite type of music is honest music that you will very seldom hear on the radio. One of my favorite artists is Tom Petty and his album "The Last DJ" got very little air time on the radio.

The article about Swift does a nice job of exposing the fact that society props people up only to tear them down later. It says it better than I could. In talking about Swift, the author states, "this was the first time I found true respect for Taylor. But not as an artist, as a human, because the next almost inevitable event that was going to happen to Taylor Swift was her absolute demise, as the same public that had propped her up on an unrealistic and undeserved pedestal was poised to tear her down, like they do so often with falling stars. It’s a classic narrative: pop star hits it big, pop star reveals they’re human, pop star is humiliated, and spit out of the asshole of the corporate culture machine to be the punch line of jokes until their swallowed by obscurity as quickly as they rose." This story isn't unique to pop stars. It is a common theme through out society. Hide your humanity from everyone around you because showing your humanity will certainly get you ridiculed. The problem with hiding your own failings and your own humanity is that it will eventually come out. Some people get humiliated and rise again while others get humiliated and disappear into oblivion. Maybe that is why I am sometimes afraid of pursuing too much. Maybe that is why I have this inherent fear of success. By not doing anything big, I can continue to be human. I can continue to be my imperfect self without worrying about who will catch me being a human being.

I think it all boils down to power and authority and how it is used. As I re-read the different articles that I have linked, that is what stands out. As I watch Carlin and Brett, I realize that it is about power and authority and how that power and authority is used. The 99% are speaking out directly about the abuse perpetuated by the 1%. Those abuses will not stop occurring as long as people refuse to think about how young people are treated and how power is routinely used.

Here is a video that I have not yet had a chance to watch but want to include it here so that I can find it later. It is a Ted Talk by Philip Zimbardo. Zimbardo is the one that conducted the prison experiment where otherwise good people did bad things. This video is supposed to be about why ordinary people do good or evil. It is a 23 minute video, which is why I haven't had a chance to watch it yet. I suspect that he will be touching on power and authority somewhere in here!

I am going to end with the following quote by Lord Acton:

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men."

Bullying

2011-11-09T18:15:00.000-06:00

There is a little story that is floating around on Facebook about bullying. Here it is:

"A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform. She had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stamp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty is was. She then told them to tell it they’re sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. And that those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bully’s another child, they may say they’re sorry but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home. Pass it on or better yet, if you're a parent or a teacher, do it with your child/children."

I like the anti-bullying sentiments. For some reason, when I read this, I get pissed off. I have been sitting on it and thinking about why something with such a good message would irritate me. I think I have finally figured out why.

I think it annoys me because it focuses on children bullying each other and it does nothing to address WHY one child might bully another child. It does nothing to address many of the underlying causes of bullying. I know that this post is going to be very unpopular and will piss a lot of people off. You know what. I don't care.

Kids learn to bully from their parents. Kids are routinely bullied by parents. Seriously think about this. Most parents teach children by bullying them. I was doing some digging and came across an anti-bullying website. At the beginning of the page, it answers the question of "What's Bullying?" As I read it, it occurred to me that if you take it out of the bullying context, it describes exactly what most parents are told to do when rearing their children. Here is the paragraph in question:

Bullying is when someone keeps doing or saying things to have power over another person.

Some of the ways they bully other people are by: calling them names, saying or writing nasty things about them, leaving them out of activities, not talking to them, threatening them, making them feel uncomfortable or scared, taking or damaging their things, hitting or kicking them, or making them do things they don't want to do.

Have any of these things happened to you? Have you done any of these things to someone else? Really, bullying is wrong behaviour which makes the person being bullied feel afraid or uncomfortable.

(Taken from www.nobullyz.org.nz at the page "What is bullying?")

When I saw the definition of bullying phrased like what I have posted above, it makes it even more obvious that traditional parenting is nothing more than bullying. Pretty much everyone tells parents that they need to control their children. People have made millions of dollars coming up with ways to control children. People have spent lots of time coming up with behavior management techniques for parents and teachers. Some of the behavior management techniques might be considered more positive and therefor benign while other techniques might be more negative and involve things like punishments and removal of privileges. Either way, the bottom line is that adults are trying to control children and force children into behaving in ways that are seen as acceptable. Most parenting books will tell you that your children will not like whatever it is that you are doing. If your child is in time out and is upset, the experts tell you to ignore it. After your child has served his/her time in time out, the experts tell you to explain to your children why they must do what you tell them to do. In other words, the parent is supposed to control the child and make the child comply through whatever means necessary as long as those means are not abusive and the definition of abusive is so variable that it is almost meaningless.

In the excerpt that I have included above, it says that some of the ways that people are bullied is by "calling them names, saying or writing nasty things about them, leaving them out of activities, not talking to them, threatening them, making them feel uncomfortable or scared, taking or damaging their things, hitting or kicking them, or making them do things they don't want to do."

Hmmm, let's see how this equates to traditional parenting.

Calling them names: How many parents call their children names to motivate them? Really think about this one. How many times have you heard a parent express the idea that their children are lazy, ungrateful, unappreciative, or some other negative trait. There is a list of phrases that are commonly used by parents and many of them involve some kind of put down. Even if a parent does not directly call a child a name, they often times ridicule them by saying things like "Don't screw it up" or "You'll never succeed if you don't work harder" or "You are just like <person everyone dislikes>". The list of stuff parents say to kids that is nothing more than veiled bullying is astounding when you think about it. I honestly try not to think about it most of the time because it is really difficult to live in a world where people speak out against kids bullying other kids but seem to accept the idea that adults can bully kids at will without every being questioned.

Saying or writing nasty things about them: Let's see. There are lots of ways that this happens. See some of the things that I mentioned under name calling. More importantly is the fact that parents often times negatively about their children. Whether or not your child is present to hear what is said doesn't matter. What matters is HOW you think about your child. If you go around thinking nasty things about your child, then it is inevitable that you will say and write nasty things about them too. In a lot of places, it is rather acceptable for parents to sit and compare notes about how terrible their children are. I try really hard to avoid that crap because it seems that telling other people negative stuff about your child will color how those people treat your children. If an out of town relative only hears negative stuff about a child, then they are likely to treat that child poorly when they see that child. It has the same effect as what kids on the playground do. They talk bad about kids that they don't like so it will color other people's perceptions and will add more pressure so that the person in question will conform. Isn't that what parents do all the time?

Not talking to them: Parents do this all the time. How many times have you seen parents simply ignore their children? How many times do you hear parents tell children that they will not talk to them unless the child complies with their wishes of speaking a certain way? Go watch one of the nanny shows and see that ignoring your child and not engaging them is the number one way to control them. When you watch the nanny show and a kid gets out of time out, they tell you, "Do not speak to the child. Simply move them back into time out." I am not going to explain this one any further than that.

Threatening them: How many times have we all heard parents say, "If you don't do what I tell you, then I am going to <insert threat of choice>." The threat is usually something unpleasant such as spanking, removing privileges, time outs, or something else. Isn't that typically what bullies do? Don't bullies typically threaten their victims with some kind of violence or humiliation? How many times do we hear parents say things like, "You had better stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" or "You had better pick up your toys or I am going to throw them away." I think you get the picture. And what is worse is the fact that most parenting wisdom tells you to be sure that you carry through with any and all threats because not following through will cause your children to think you are soft or inconsistent and we don't want kids to actually see their parents as people that have empathy. <sarcasm>

Making them feel uncomfortable or scared: Is this one that really needs to be explained? How many times have parents forced kids to do things even though they are scared or uncomfortable? How many times are people told to face their fears without any kind of help or support? How many times are kids left alone in dark rooms and told to go to sleep? The cry it out methods that are promoted by some are basically "experts" telling parents to ignore their children's cries.

Taking or damaging their things: Yep, this is another one that parents routinely do. If a kid doesn't clean up their toys, may parents will simply go through the house with a garbage bag and dispose of the toys. If a kid doesn't behave, parents will routinely take away games or TV's or other stuff to prove that the parent is in charge and the child must comply.

Hitting or kicking them: Kicking would be considered abusive but hitting is done rather frequently but is renamed spanking. I have had lots of people try to tell my why it is okay to spank. I have had people give me examples of when it is okay to spank as if spanking was the only way to keep the child safe or "under control". You know what, nothing that anybody says will ever convince me that it is okay to hit/spank a child.

Making them do things they don't want to do: Parents routinely do this to children under the assumption that kids won't do anything unless they are forced to do it. The common wisdom is that kids must be forced to do certain things for their own good. Rather than questioning the wisdom behind certain things, people would rather force their kids to do those things.

I can only imagine what some people may be thinking after reading the above. I am sure that some people are pissed off because I had the audacity to call out traditional parenting methods as bullying. I am okay with that because I don't think that bullying among kids will stop until parents reconsider their approaches to parenting. I am not saying that parents need to be permissive and let their kids do whatever they want whenever they want. What I am saying is that people need to recognize that traditional parenting is very similar to bullying. I can't tell you what to do instead of bullying your child because it will vary based on your personality and the personality of your child. I know that I have found lots of alternatives to traditional methods because I saw a lot of the other methods for what they were. Once I recognized that traditional parenting was the same as bullying, it became rather easy to stop and look for alternatives. It is amazing how creative you can be when you start taking things away as options.

Maybe I am overly sensitive and maybe I don't know what I am talking. That is how I feel most of the time anyway. There are so many materials out there that teach parents how to bully their children and make them submissive. I am not sure when all of this hit me but when it did I abandoned time outs and pretty much anything that even hinted of bullying. I guess now I focus on parenting mindfully. Some could call it permissive parenting but that is not what it is. My kids do what I ask them to do and are pretty good kids but I do not discipline them, force them, or bully them. Most of the time, we talk about things and I tell them how the world works. I honestly don't think that there is a way to describe what I do that people will understand because in order to understand it you first have to acknowledge that kids are people that have rights. In order to understand it, you have to realize that most of the parenting techniques that are routinely used have the same paper crumpling effect that children bullying each other have.

I wonder what would happen if the same exercise was done to parents and teachers. I would love to see the above exercise changed to this:

"There was a little girl that had the chance to speak at a parenting class. She had the adults take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stamp on it and really mess it up but do not rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty is was. She then told them to tell them it was done for their own good. Now even though they said that they did it out of love and tried to justify it, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. And that those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when an adult bullies a child, they may say they did it out of love and they may have a bunch of reasons but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the adults told her the message hit home. Pass it on or better yet, if you're a child, do it with the adults in your life."

Yea, the above scenario will never happen because most adults would scoff at the idea. Unless the adult's behavior is clearly abusive, then most people will turn their heads and walk away. Most parents get together and talk about the best ways to control children. Forget about actually giving the kids a voice. Forget about seeing the children as people. Forget about reconsidering schedules that are packed so tight that a kid can't breathe. Forget about making sure that kids get plenty of food and rest. Forget about letting kids play and have fun. It is all about the parents. Forget about what the kids want to do. It is all about impressing other parents with how "good" of a parent you are. It is all about being able to take your kids out and put them on display. Kids are no longer considered people. They are miniature little resumes that people use to judge each other. If you don't have kids, there is something wrong with you. If your kids don't go to the right schools or use the right homeschool curriculum, there is something wrong with you. If your kids are not perfect, then that means that you are not bullying them correctly. If you were bullying your kids correctly, they would be compliant and well behaved all the time. Yes, I am aware that I used the term bullying rather than parenting. In a lot of cases, there isn't much difference.

As usual, I have gotten rather long winded. I have been trying to figure out why the little story going around on Facebook has bothered me. Once I figured it out, it let out a flood. The sad thing about the story is that it will be used to teach kids about the effects of bullying but it will not be used to raise the awareness of adults. It will not be used to show that bullying of any kind is wrong and has lasting effects. Kids bullying kids will not stop as long as adults continue to bully kids and each other. Being an adult does not make you immune to bullying. A lot of people grow up only to continue to be bullied by their parents. A lot of parents continue to bully their children once their children are fully grown. That bullying is in the form of nitpicking spouses, disliking their chosen profession, or talking about them behind their back. I know some people that are fully grown adults but are afraid of their mothers because their mothers are so critical and hard to please. The mothers find a way to make their children feel insecure and crappy. I would venture to say that a lot of the moms don't even realize what they are doing. Lots of bullies don't realize what they are doing. That doesn't change the fact that it is bullying!

Living a Life of Celebration

2011-11-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

This post has been slowly transforming over the last several days. It started out as me thinking about the upcoming holidays. It started out as me wondering why people complain about Christmas stuff being put out after Halloween. That led to me wondering about other holidays and how many of them have become so commercialized. It seems like the point of most holidays these days is to get consumers to buy stuff. While sitting on this post due to sick kids, it occurred to me that I don't want to focus on any particular holiday but would rather focus on living a life of celebration. Instead of giving thanks on Thanksgiving, give thanks year round. Instead of focusing on giving gifts and the stuff typically associated with Christmas during the Christmas season, do it year round. Don't wait for a special day to let somebody know how special they truly are. Do we really need a holiday to give thanks, celebrate a miracle or birth, appreciate our freedoms, remember those who have died, appreciate mom or dad, or any of the other things that are compartmentalized into one little day?

This whole line of thinking started the other day when somebody commented about the Christmas decorations being out in stores already. Halloween was only a few days ago yet the stores are gearing up for Christmas. There are advertisements for Christmas toys and Christmas stuff on TV and we are starting to hear Christmas carols in stores and on the radio. It is also the time of year when people start complaining about it. Halloween was a couple of days ago so lots of people think it is too early to be thinking about Christmas. I suspect that it is probably a bit annoying and in your face to those that do not celebrate Christmas. I get all that but, for me, I kind of enjoy all of the Christmas stuff.

I forget who I was talking to about all this. I think it may have been my oldest daughter. Anyway, I asked why the early celebration was such a big deal. For us, we don't need a holiday to appreciate each other or our family. For us, we don't need a holiday to give each other gifts. We give each other gifts year round just because. If seeing red and white and green stuff in the stores, makes you stop and think about your family, I am all for it. If hearing a Christmas song makes you think about what you are going to give somebody else, then I am all for it. Really, I think the spirit of Christmas and all of the warm fuzzy feelings associated with it should be thought about all year rather than just a month or two out of the year.

Here is another thing that I wonder about with regards to people that complain about Christmas stuff and claim to be Christian. If I have my information correct, Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus. If somebody is as awesome as people claim Jesus is, then why wouldn't you celebrate his birth year round? Shouldn't every day be one big party giving thanks to the fact that he was born? Of course, I think that is a bit much to expect because people don't seem to even appreciate each other. I know that my husband and I spend all year being thankful for each other and for our kids. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about how blessed I am to have my husband and my children.

As I was thinking about the premature celebration of Christmas, it got me to thinking about all of the other celebrations and rituals that are done at specific times. Why does Thanksgiving have to only be once a year? Why can't individual families celebrate it on a weekly or even daily basis? Why is it that giving thanks is relegated to a particular day out of the year?

Think about all of the other holidays and special occasions where a particular person or event are commemorated. Mother's day and father's day are terrible in my opinion. Why? Because they send the message that you only have to appreciate your parents once a year. For me, I think it is better to appreciate your parents as often as possible. Birthdays are another day that should be celebrated year round. I know that sounds silly but why wait until your birthday to think about getting older? Why wait until your child's birthday to give him/her presents? A lot of parents, like me, get really reflective about a child's birthday. I have been trying to be more reflective whether it is close to a birthday or not. I can celebrate my children and their births every single day in small ways in addition to the celebrating that is done on the actual birthday.

Think about all of the different celebrations that are religious or not. I am going to list a few.

Veteran's Day: Why do we need a special day to commemorate veterans? I think veterans should be honored every single day. If you see a veteran, thank them. If you can help a veteran, then help them. Don't wait to show your love and appreciation to them. Do it now.

Labor Day: Why do we need a day to honor those who work their butts off day in and day out? It seems like Labor Day has little meaning other than to mark the end of summer. I actually had to go look up the significance of Labor Day because I couldn't remember the specifics other than it is a day to celebrate those that work. According to Wikipedia, Labor Day "celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers." For some reason, I find that hilarious in light of the current political climate. It seems like Labor Day and most other holidays have become commercialized in order to exploit the economic and social contributions of workers. That isn't my point but it is definitely something to think about.

Memorial Day: Again, this is another one that I had to go look up to verify its significance. I knew it had something to do with soldiers that had passed but I wanted the specifics. According to this Memorial Day History website, "Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service." That is not what Memorial Day is typically celebrated as. Most people look at Memorial Day and think of school being out or the beginning of summer. There is actually very little talk about what Memorial Day is really all about. So, take time every day to remember those that have died in service to their country.

Fourth of July: Everybody knows that the 4th of July is the day that we celebrate the United State's Freedom. It is like the birthday of the United Stated. I would like to propose that people spend more time focusing on history and less time on partying it up. You don't have to wait until the 4th of July to think about freedom or allegiance or patriotism. Perhaps this country wouldn't have gotten so screwed up if people had spent more time thinking about what it means to be free. Perhaps there would not be so much corporate greed if people actually knew more of the history behind what was done in the original 13 colonies. I wrote a post not too long ago about the restrictions that were originally placed on corporations historically speaking. The Fourth of July seems to have become a time to shoot fireworks and celebrate summer rather than an event that truly pays homage to the history of our country and how it came to be.

Valentine's Day: The common thread of Valentine's day is to show love with hearts and flowers. It is usually seen as more of a couple's holiday. Forget that, show your partner, girl/boyfriend, best friend, or whomever else you love that you love them or think about them. Random acts of love and kindness are always appreciated. Why do they need to be relegated to an actual day? For us, we celebrate Valentine's Day after it actually occurs so we can get all the cool stuff on discount.

I know that I have left off quite a few but the ones above are the ones that stand out the most for me. Most holidays have become commercialized and contorted and really ignore the original intent, which was to honor a specific person or event. Perhaps people could appreciate these days more if there was more of an emphasis on giving thanks and appreciation through out the year. This isn't about religion either. This is about living a joyful life. This is about waking up every single day and appreciating the fact that you woke up. This is about not waiting to tell people how much you love or appreciate them. This is about not letting marketers and stores and commercialization take over you life. This is about finding ways to celebrate your life and those that are in your life. You don't need a special occasion or a holiday to celebrate. The fact that we are all alive should be reason enough to celebrate.

Dealing With Negativity

2011-11-02T18:25:00.000-05:00

One of the biggest challenges that I have had to face is how to handle negativity. I have had this post in my little folder for quite some time because I started out talking about avoiding negativity. I wasn't happy with it but couldn't quite figure out why. Today, it hit me that I don't think it is a good idea to necessarily avoid any feeling or emotion. What I do think is necessary to do is realize the transience of some emotions or feelings. What I do think is necessary is feeling your feelings and then letting them go. Negativity is one of those emotions that a lot of people tend to hang on to and refuse to let go.

For the longest time, I didn't realize how negative I had become. Maybe it was a bit of depression or maybe it was the fact that I had simply become accustomed to the idea of identifying everything that is wrong so it can be fixed, criticized, analyzed, or held on to for later. That seems to be pretty common so it didn't occur to me that I should knock it off. I never realized how negative I had allowed myself to become until I actively tried to remove negativity from my life. I feel like I have lost a lot of time getting caught up in negativity. It isn't always easy to mover past negativity but it does wonders for mental health and it improves relationships and it makes life much easier.

Finding the positive does not mean that I do not experience negativity. It does not mean that I don't get pissed off and it doesn't mean that I ignore my feelings or suppress them. What is means is that, when I do experience negativity, I try not to wallow it in. There is a big difference between getting irritated because you got cut off in traffic and letting the fact that you got cut off in traffic ruin your whole day. For me, it is more about figuring out how to experience something negative without letting that negativity define you, consume you, or ruin an otherwise positive experience.

I would like to talk about some of the ways that I try to keep negativity at bay.

Reframe the way you talk and think about things:

There are a million different ways of saying the same thing. Instead of saying that somebody is obsessive, you can say that they have a strong sense of order or that they like to stay with the task until it is complete. Pretty much any negative can be restated using affirmative statements. Instead of saying that you don't like something, state what you DO like instead. If you feel like you have writer's block, see it as your mind telling you that need to do something different to get a fresher perspective. Sometimes, a little break goes a long way.

If something negative does happen, reframe it as something small and insignificant rather than as something that is huge and insurmountable. Life is full of ups and downs and focusing on the downs can make a person lose sight of the ups. To go back to the analogy of getting cut off in traffic, you can see that as part of a long commute or you can focus on it for the rest of the day and let it ruin your day. Every day is full of ups and downs. Even days that are horrible have lots of little good things in them. Another way to think about this is to think about living in the moment. One bad moment in the midst of some really good stuff isn't going to seem as daunting as a day that has been ruined by something bad.

Remember that each one of us has a story:

There is a good chance that even if we completely disagree with somebody, there is a valid reason behind what he or she thinks or believes. Instead of dismissing people or making fun of people because they are different, it helps to get the whole story. Even if you don't get the whole story, trust that people are basically good and that what they are doing is being done for a good reason even if that reason is not known to me. That can be rather difficult to do because it is so much easier to make snap judgments. Even if I don't agree with you or like your behavior, I can at least try to understand you. If I don't want to bother with understanding, then I can skip straight to acceptance. Acceptance is a weird thing because once you accept another person as is, then there is no need to change them. There is no need to argue with them and there is no need to criticize. They are who they are and it does me no good to invest time and energy into something that is going to frustrate me and lead to negativity.

IF the person is close to you or is worth pursuing a relationship with, then understanding may be helpful. We watch a lot of Kai Lan and one of the things that is always emphasized is trying to find a reason why. One of Kai Lan's friends will get upset and start being a jerk. Kai Lan and her friends will start singing a little song about trying to find a reason why the other person is behaving that way. So they go through this process of identifying what happened. Once they figure it out, they try to fix it while telling the person that was being a jerk that they need to speak up rather than be a jerk.

Each one of us are where we are because of a lifetime of decisions. Sometimes, we make decisions without realizing the full impact of what we are deciding. It is impossible to look that far into the future. It is easy for me to look back on the past and see where I made mistakes. It is easy for me to look into the past and ridicule myself for being so shortsighted. How does being critical of myself or anyone else help me to learn and grow? All that does is reinforce my current thinking. All it does is reinforce negativity. Rather than reinforcing negativity, I try to step away from it. Rather than ridiculing myself for decisions I made in the past, it is better to look at why I made those decisions and how I can learn from that as I go forward.

Surround yourself with positive people:

Find people that bring out the best in you and be around those people more. Find people that tend to have a sunny disposition and know how to laugh and have fun. Find people that tend to be positive and support you. I don't have a lot of friends but the few friends that I do have are friggin' awesome because they really make me feel like I am awesome. They do not criticize me. They do not make me feel broken. They do not make me feel like I need to do anything to earn or keep their friendship. They do not routinely criticize other people and they are able to enjoy the moment. Whenever I see them, they always act genuinely glad to see me.

When I am around too many negative people for too long, I find myself becoming too negative. It is way too easy for me to jump on the gossip wagon. To keep that from happening, I try to stay away from people that gossip too much. I am not going to say that I don't gossip, but I will say that I am trying to stop it because it serves no real purpose. Most of the time, gossip leaves me feeling icky because it makes me wonder, "If that is what they are saying about that person, what the hell are they saying about me when I am not around?" Some of it goes back to the idea of asking myself, "How would I feel if I knew people were talking about me like that?" If I wouldn't want other people talking about me like that, then why is it okay for me to talk about others?

Become more self-aware:

This sounds like a no brainer but it is something that I have been working on because for the longest time I was unaware of my own negativity. I would justify being critical by claiming that I was just speaking the truth. I would justify a lot of stuff by claiming that it wasn't my fault. You know, I wouldn't have a bad attitude if other people didn't piss me off so much. I am sure that many of you are either like this or know people like this. I struggle with this one a lot and it requires a lot of self awareness for me to not let things get me down. It takes a lot of effort for me to stop my tendency to let one little bitty thing interfere with the whole day.

A good example of this would be those days when you wake up and decide that it is going to be a bad day because you heard the wrong song on the radio or there were no clean towels or something else was "wrong" at the beginning of the day. I have to ask myself, "Why the hell am I letting that one little thing ruin my whole day?" Why? Instead of giving that one little thing the power to ruin my day, I try to ignore it or find a way to turn it into a positive. Instead of focusing on it, I try to move beyond it and tell myself that it is going to be a good day anyway. I try to use my stubbornness to hold onto the idea of good rather than what I used to do, which was hold on to the bad.

<Note: I have had this post sitting on my virtual desk for quite a while and came across it the other day. It is funny to read some of this because today was one of those days when I woke up thinking, "Ugh, today is going to be one of those days." I am so glad that I found this because it reminds me that it doesn't have to be one of those days. I can figure out how to move forward positively. I can tell myself that it is NOT going to be one of those days because I won't let it.>

Sometimes, being self-aware is difficult because it means that there are times that I have to be honest with myself and admit that there are things about myself that I don't like. It is sometimes hard to take personal responsibility and admit that I am at fault for some of the things that are going on that I don't like. I have to be honest with myself and stop making excuses. It is hard to admit that my bad day is not the radio's fault or the universe's fault for playing the wrong song. Sometimes bad stuff happens in the course of the day. I do not have to let that bad stuff set the tone for the whole day. I do not have to let that bad stuff have any power at all. I can live moment to moment and day to day and let each bad thing melt away into something good.

Stop being critical:

For the longest time, I completely denied that I was critical of anybody or anything. Wrong answer! I am very critical of everybody and everything. I would like to be able to say that I am not critical of anybody or anything but that simply is not true. What I can say is that I am working on it. Whenever I find myself being critical, I can flip it around and try to think of all the reasons that the person that I am being critical of may be doing whatever it is that he/she is doing. If I am being critical of a thing, then I can ask myself, "Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? If I died tomorrow, would it really matter?"

Part of being critical is finding the bad in most of the things that you encounter. If somebody claims that it is sunny and beautiful and your first inclination is to argue with them or turn it into something negative, then perhaps you are a bit too critical. Another way that I have tried to stop myself from being so critical is to turn things around on myself. I will literally ask myself, "Who are you to talk? Are you perfect?" Since I am not perfect, I have no business criticizing others. It doesn't keep me from doing it but it is definitely something that I am actively working on at the moment.

Be more spontaneous and fun:

Think about the people that you enjoy being around the most and then think about why you like being around them. I enjoy being around people that are spontaneous and fun.

Do things that make you feel alive:

I think that each and every one of us simply wants to feel alive. Some people go through each day on auto pilot and never really feel alive. I don't know what makes you feel alive but I know that I feel alive when I am doing something. It could be playing with my kids or writing or even sitting on the porch soaking in my surroundings. Part of identifying what makes you feel alive is being self-aware. Pay attention to how you feel when involved in different tasks through out the day. Which one make you happiest? Figure it out and do more of it.

Stop making excuses:

I think a lot of people are going to read what I have written above and make excuses as to why those things won't work for them. I can hear it now.

"I can't stop being critical. If I don't step up and tell people what they are doing wrong, then nothing will ever get done around here."
"How can I surround myself with positive people in this cess pool?"
"I don't have the time to be spontaneous and fun."
"Nothing makes me feel alive because I am surrounded by idiots."

I am not going to continue giving examples of excuses because some people seem to be afraid of being happy. They seem to be afraid of things going right. It is like they sabotage themselves so they will have something to complain about. I know several people like this. When they complain, I try to suggest alternatives but am always met with excuses about how the alternatives are wrong or simply not feasible. When I try to point out the good things, they counter with bad things. For that matter, with one person, I can't even share good things about my life because even that will piss them off because they see it at me bragging. Or, if I share something good, then they use it as an opportunity to point out how bad their lives are. The bottom line is that there is always an excuse or some kind of justification for being unhappy or negative.

I am sure that there are other things that could help one avoid negativity. If you are like me and have identified negativity as one of the things that is standing in your way, then you can do some of the things that I mentioned above. I still occasionally get more negative than I should but at least I am aware enough to let it go without holding on to it. Really, I don't think there is anything wrong with any emotion. Negativity has its place. The problem is that some people like to pick one feeling or one emotion and hang on to it to the exclusion of other feelings or emotions. For me, I want to be able to experience the full range of emotions. I want to let my emotions, both positive and negative, come and go without trying to hold on to them or suppress them or fight with them. There is no need.

Since a lot of parents read this, I want to add that it is not only important for us to experience the full range of emotions, it is even more important for me to give my kids the opportunity to experience the full range of emotions without feeling bad or guilty about it. When my 2 year old says, "I hate you mom," I don't sweat it because it is her experimenting with her words and her emotions. Over time, she will learn that it is not nice to say those things. Until then, I recognize that she is likely to come up to me two minutes later and hug me and kiss me and profess her love for me.

To Speak or Not To Speak: That is the Question!

2011-11-01T12:15:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote a post about the idea that nobody really wants to be fixed and how it is sometimes best not to speak up if you know what you are going to say is going to hurt somebody else. I didn't expand on that in the post because the post was already getting too long. I felt the need to write more on this topic because it is one of those topics that often poses a problem for me because I see conflicting interests. On the one hand, I don't want other people to criticize me or try to fix me but, on the other hand, I feel like there are times when I would like feedback in order to improve. On one hand, I want my children to be free to be themselves, but on the other hand, I want them to realize that we do not live in a vacuum and that it is sometimes necessary to consider others. As a result of these conflicting ideas, I am always wondering whether or not I should speak up.

To rephrase it from a more rights based question, you could ask, "Where do my rights end and yours begin?"

I have no idea how to answer the above question so I don't think that I will even try. I am going to put it out there for other people to think about.

I am going to go back to the idea of making other people feel broken. In that vein, how can we help others without making them feel broken? How can I help my kids be a part of the world without being consumed by it? For that matter, how can I be part of the world without completely ignoring who I am? When is it okay to say something to somebody else?

As I read my post about fixing people, I simultaneously asked myself, "Does that mean that I should never say anything to my kids or my spouse for fear of making them feel broken?" Of course, the answer to that is a resounding NO. I think not saying something to somebody you love if you can help them is just as bad as the tendency to fix them. I feel like I am contradicting myself because on one hand, I give me kids lots of freedom and choices. On the other hand, I give them lots of information about societal expectations. I give them lots of information about how to achieve their goals. I give them lots of information about going out and having fun while still being mindful.

I have been toying around with all of this in my head and I think I have boiled things down to two basic criteria. I think one could ask: Is this going to help the person achieve his or her personal goals?

Is this going to help the person achieve his/her personal goals? In other words, is this about helping them do what they want to do or is this about me trying to push my goals and ideas onto them? If it is about your goals rather than theirs, then perhaps it would be good to keep quiet. If your child has no desire to go to go to a certain place, then there really isn't much point in telling them how to behave in that place. A good example would be how my 7 year old loves to go to church. When she expressed an interest in going to church with her dad on a regular basis, we made sure that she understood how to behave properly. We were not working on the assumption that anybody was broke. We were coming from the point of view of "We have information that will help you to be able to go to church and have a pleasant time."

I recently wrote a post about a negative experience that happened at church when my oldest and I went to support our 7 year old. Some guy took it upon himself to harass my oldest daughter about not being in the church choir. That was the perfect example of how to make somebody feel broken. You put them on the spot to tell them about something that they have absolutely no interest in hearing about and/or try to pressure them into doing something that they have no interest in doing.

Something that is done to adults all the time has to do with marriage and/or kids. I don't think I have to explain the situation of two people dating and getting bugged to get married. For that matter, how many single people are bugged about finding a mate. Geesh, you do not need a partner to make you whole. There are lots and lots of people that stay single their whole lives. One of my favorite people in the world never married and has always been single. She is a wonderful person and it bugs me that people question single people. Another example is a lady I know that is a widow. She has never dated and has no interest in dating yet people want to speculate and joke about her being gay because she is not interested in the dating scene. Why is it that people want to talk about being broken rather than keeping their mouth shut?

I have quite a few friends that have no kids and have no intention of ever having kids. Lots of people bug them about having kids. Why? Why is it anybody else's business as to whether or not a couple decides to have a child? The minute a couple says that they have no interest in having children, the subject should be dropped. There is no need to tell them anything more. When people insist on pushing the issue, the couple is basically being told, "You are broken because you don't want kids." No, they are not broken. There is nothing wrong with realizing that having kids is a hell of a lot of work and deciding that you don't want to do it. Frankly, I wish more people would think twice about having kids but that is another story that will probably never be touched upon here.

A question that I think is related to the first one is: Is this going to help the person to not be a jerk? I have re-written this question several times because I am not sure how to communicate the idea that I do not want my kids to be disruptive jerks. That sounds really, really mean but the sentiment behind it is that I think everyone should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without having kids (or any person) running around and screaming and creating a safety hazard. I am all for individuality and self-expression but your self-expression should not completely disregard those around you. The problem with this whole line of thinking is that it is a slippery slope. People justify all sorts of human rights violations using this line of thinking, which is why I am having such a difficult time articulating it. Maybe one could say that I don't need any big explanation and should say that I am trying to help my children learn basic manners. Maybe I should simply say that I want my entire family to be mindful of others. To that end, I will give them information to help them do that.

One might argue that not being a jerk is my goal and that I am projecting that onto my children. One may say that helping my kids to not be jerks is making them feel broken. Perhaps one could say that being a jerk is necessary because that is the only way to get ahead in life. I don't know how to respond to that and that is okay. The more I type on this, the more convoluted things become in my head because I am trying to think of simple ways to express ideas that have lots and lots of stuff wrapped up in them. Maybe a better way of expressing things is that there is a time and a place for everything. If you are at in the right place at the right time, then you can do whatever you want. Maybe my goal is to help my kids figure out the time and place for certain behaviors and actions. If you want to run around and act like a weirdo, stay home, go to the park, or go to a weirdo convention. If you want to pray and be quiet, then go to church. There is room for all of us to be ourselves, we just have to figure out how to do it in such a way that we are respectful of other people

I know many of the scenarios above are more about the idea of being broken. I have shared them as a way to demonstrate when I think a person should just shut up and not say a word. Don't voluntarily offer somebody information about something that you do not know all of the back story to. Don't voluntarily offer somebody advice when there is no way that could possibly know the reasons behind the choices that they make. You might say that none of this applies to children because children need information. I say bullshit. Parents do not need to pressure their children into getting married or having kids or dating or being single or pursuing a certain career or anything like that.

Why does it seem so important for parents to create kids that are perfect or hold some kind of prestigious position? I want my kids to succeed but I want them to be in a position where they feel like they have gotten to define success for themselves. My kids get to define success for themselves. On one hand, I feel very successful because I have an awesome job that lets me work from home, I have awesome kids, and I have an awesome husband. On the other hand, I sometimes question my success and have doubts because I am not working at a full time job and sending my kids to school. I am not living in a big fancy house and I don't drive big fancy cars. I can make a nice long list of the things that I don't do that I have been questioned about. For the most part, it is pretty easy to dismiss all of those things as not for me. However, whether I like it or not, it is still there. Every now and then, I find myself questioning myself.

It is what I like to call seeds of doubt and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to make sure those little seeds are not watered and do not grow. The problem is that every time somebody questions me or mentions that I need to be doing more than what I already do, it is watering one of those little seeds. The more people bring those things up, the more chances there are of those little seeds sprouting. Once those seeds sprout and start growing, it makes it really difficult to follow my chosen path because those little seeds of doubt have sprouted into weeds of doubt that threaten to take over and cloud my judgment. Those weeds of doubt are what causes people to discard their passions or get into the family business or make decisions that they may not have otherwise made.

An example is the person that has a passion for music but is afraid to pursue it because he/she has been told his/her whole life that being a musician isn't the responsible thing to do. Instead of following the dream, they settle down and get married and put the music on the back burner. The marriage suffers as does everything else because the person is secretly longing to follow their bliss. What I want to do is make sure that the people around me get to follow their bliss. I do not want my children to feel like they have to work in some high powered job. I don't want my kids to feel like they have to get married or have kids or anything else. If they get to follow their bliss, then my thinking is that it will lead to great things but the only way for it to lead to great things is for me to not plant doubts. The only way for it to work is for me to learn to keep my mouth shut unless what I am saying is going to help them follow their bliss.

I have spent so much time giving examples of when not to speak that I realize that I have not gone anywhere near the When to speak part. I think that one is a bit harder because it is difficult to flesh out what is on my mind. If you know that somebody has a specific goal in mind and you see them doing something that is going to interfere with that goal, then you should absolutely speak up. The best example that I can think of is my participation on some of the unschooling discussion boards. Sometimes, I worry that I am speaking up too much because I tend to piss people off. Perhaps I am trying to justify being a jerk but it seems to me that if you want to do something specific then you need people that are willing to help you do it and point out mistakes along the way.

When my husband was preparing for a guitar performance, I pointed out his mistakes and tried to tell him the truth even when it was uncomfortable. To tell him that he was doing awesome when, in fact, it sucked would be doing him a huge disservice because it would be setting him up for potential failure. Keeping my mouth shut would not be honoring his wishes and desires to improve and play with others again. If we are out and about with the kids, we give our kids feedback about how to behave in public because we want to have fun and we don't want to infringe on other people's ability to have fun. There is also the tiny little fact that some places can kick you out if you get too rowdy.

I see a lot of people make comments about how others should be more accommodating of kids and should be more understanding. It goes both ways. You cannot expect other people to be okay with somebody that interferes with their ability to have fun. I love kids dearly but that does not mean that I want to get run over by a kid in the store. It does not mean that I want a random kid to come up to me and yell at me or cuss at me. It does not mean that I want to go on a date with my husband without my kids and listen to somebody else's kid cry all evening. Accidents happen. Sometimes kids are in bad moods. They are human.

The problem as I see it is that people are taking the wrong approach. The way I see it is that kids should be given information. If the kid is too young to understand it or apply it, then it is up to the parent to help the kid out of the situation. If my kid is being a jerk when we are out and about, I see that jerkiness as my kid communicating with me that it is time to go home or that it is time to go get food. It is NOT time for me to ignore my child. It is NOT time for me to shame my child. It is not time for me to make threats or punish my child. Really, I think that is part of where the misunderstanding occurs. People equate not making a kid feel broken with not saying anything. They equate it with anything goes. That's not the case at all. It isn't anything goes. It is you are not broken and I don't need to fix you. It is I have information that will help you be successful with YOUR goals. It is I have information that will help you navigate the world better. It is I have information that will help you to be mindful of others. Sharing information with others to help them on their path is completely different than trying to share information with them to put them on the path that you want them to be on.

Do I have it all figured out? Nope. There are times that I speak up and shouldn't and times when I don't speak up and should. I don't know if I will ever figure it out but at least I am thinking about it and so are my girls.

Who Wants to be Fixed?

2011-10-31T10:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything in a while because I have been busy with other stuff. Plus, nothing really moved me enough to write about it. I have had an idea brewing but wasn't sure where to go with it because I didn't quite know how to approach it. Tonight, it hit me after watching a segment on the news about a book that is about improving your relationship with your spouse. I think it was a book for women but don't quote me on that because I wasn't paying that much attention. What caught my attention was the brief list that they gave of things that women shouldn't do to their partners. The number one item on the list was DO NOT TRY TO FIX YOUR MAN. I laughed a bit because it seems like that should be pretty obvious. After laughing, I realized that fixing other people is the very thing that has been on my mind lately.

It has been on my mind because it seems to be an idea that is rather pervasive. On the parenting forums, parents will ask questions about how to fix their kids. In other places, wives will ask how to fix their spouses because their spouses are not on board with their parenting style or don't live up to their expectations. I have seen people ask about how to fix their parents because their own parents do not treat them or their children the way they want to be treated. It seems like a lot of people are trying to figure out how to fix the people around them that do not live up to their expectations. If somebody does not live up to your expectations, wouldn't it make more sense to change your expectations rather than try to fix those around you?

One of the ways that people try to fix others is to guilt them into changing. Another way is to constantly criticize and point out what they are doing wrong without ever acknowledging that they are doing anything right. I think it all boils down to the idea that if another person realizes that he/she is broken, then they will be more apt to fix themselves. In most cases, I think people probably already know their own strengths and weaknesses. It seems like the weaknesses are magnified and the strengths are either ignored or framed in such a way that they too become a negative rather than a positive.

In an online discussion that I was having the other day, I said the following:

How many people can honestly say that they grew up being respected and treated like a whole person? How many people can claim that they grew up without feeling like there was something broken? Think about it. How many of us grew up hearing about how we need to toughen up, work harder, fix this, fix that, change our attitude, blah, blah, blah. It was always about how to fix things. Even now, the self-help industry is a billion dollar industry because everyone feels like they are broken and need to be fixed.

I am not saying that we are all perfect. What I am trying to say is that nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws. We all have our imperfections. Rather than feeling broken because of our imperfections, we should be able to honestly assess those imperfections and either change them or be comfortable with them. The problem is that society isn't built like that. Society wants to make sure that everyone is hyper aware of the imperfections so that those imperfections can be exploited in order to make money or make somebody else feel better. Those imperfections can be exploited in order to manipulate others.

I don't want to get religious with this but the above paragraph is actually something that my husband and I have talked about before. I don't remember the exact context but I was trying to pick his brain about the idea that kids are born bad that seems to be so prevalent in many religions. I was trying to get him to help me understand the idea that kids are born bad and need parents to mold them and fix them and make them good. I refuse to accept that. The topic of original sin came up and he pretty much said that it is a fancy way of saying that we are all imperfect. If you see being imperfect as bad, then it will naturally follow that you think that kids are born bad. However, if you are like me and see imperfections as normal or endearing, then there is a greater chance that you will think that people are basically good.

I choose to believe that each and every single person is born good. I choose to believe that the average person is not going to deliberately do bad things. I believe that a person's behavior is the result of his/her needs. If a person has a lot of unmet needs, then they are going to do whatever it takes to get those needs met. If a spouse treats you like crap and ignores your needs, there is an increased chance that the spouse is going to stray. If a parent treats a kid like crap and ignores his/her needs, then there is an increased chance that the kid is going to act out and behave in ways that may not be acceptable.

What I am about to say may seem a bit heretical or out there but I think the whole situation with Eve in the garden could be seen a completely different way. Rather than interpreting it as the fallen nature of man, perhaps it could be a lesson in not deliberately exposing other people to temptations. Think about it. Eve was put in the garden with nobody but Adam. If Adam had been with her, she may not have talked to the snake. If she had other people to hang out with, she may not have listened to the snake. What a way to parent? You put a kid in a situation that is full of temptations and then leave them alone. You don't tell them about the potential dangers. You don't tell them to beware of obnoxious little snakes. You just tell them not to eat the fruit. I don't know about you, but that seems like a recipe for failure. Seriously, the Lord's Prayer says, "And lead us not into temptation." Do we really have to beg this guy to not tempt us? I am sorry but I don't really want to be associated with people that are going to set me up for failure and then punish me for failing.

All of this goes along with something else that I have said in a couple of other places. I have said that everyone simply wants to feel normal. I had somebody point out that normal isn't all it is cracked up to be. I should have clarified and said that people want to feel normal as in "not broken". I don't want other people to try to make me feel less than them because I have made different choices. By the same token, I don't ever want to make anybody else feel like they are less than me. I don't want to make anybody else feel broken. I do not like the idea of comparing people based on traits that they may or may not be able to control. The problem is that we compare each other all the time. If a parent has more than one child, there is a tendency to compare children. If you are part of a mommy and me group, there is a tendency for parents to sit around and talk about their kids and compare. If the comparisons were matter of fact and were not used to judge the degree of brokenness, then I might not have a problem with it.

I think about the fact that my youngest walked rather early compared to her sisters. Since she was my fourth and last child, I had a little bit more experience with things. With my first, it seemed like everybody was way too concerned with what she was doing and when she was doing it. Is she sleeping through the night? Is she walking? Is she talking? How many words? Does she have any teeth? Anything that did not fall into the range of "normal" was seen as problematic. All of the parenting books have these little check lists that have really small ranges of normal. If your child does not fall into the "normal" range, then the assumption is that there is something wrong with your child that needs to be fixed. If a child is slow to talk or struggles with speech, then they need a therapist. The list goes on. I see lots of people getting therapy for 2 and 3 year olds because those kids are not developing according to what is prescribed as normal.

I am not saying that some kids do not need extra help. What I am saying is that I wonder what would happen if there was a wider range of normal. What I am saying is that I wonder if parents would be as quick to jump on the fix it bandwagon if they didn't feel that their child was broken. I am not sure how to adequately express my thoughts on this because, while I do acknowledge that some kids may need extra help, I do not believe that kids should be "fixed" so early. I believe that kids should be able to have fun and play and feel normal. I think the tendency for parents to make kids feel broken is causing a lot of harm to their psyche.

It is weird because the idea that my kids are pretty normal kids seems so weird to admit. There are some things that they are really good at and there are some things that they are not so good at. We homeschool so there are no grades or extra curricular activities to speak of. As a family we have tried different things at different times. My oldest took piano lessons. There was karate classes for a while and there may have been a few other things. The point is that I think my kids are pretty normal. Homeschooling may be giving them some academic advantages but then again it may not be just like public school is helpful to some kids but not to others. Homeschooling may not be giving my girls all of the socialization that they need, but then again, public schools may not be able to meet their social needs either. Both choices have their advantages and disadvantages and I get tired of the arguments that seem to focus on which method is the most broken. I honestly don't care which one is better or worse on a grand scale. I care which one is best for my family. I care which one is going to make my kids the happiest. If you make a choice that is different than mine, I am not going to make you feel broken or messed up or any of the other things that people do when they encounter something that is different.

I was recently part of an online discussion and it became rather clear to me after a couple of exchanges that I was making another person feel broken because I was being critical of what was said. That bothers me. It bothers me a lot because that seems to happen to me quite a bit in online discussions. It also bothers me because I see a lot of other people do the same thing without ever becoming aware of it. I think that I was unaware of it for the longest time.

When I did become aware of it, I initially dismissed it on the grounds that if an anonymous/random person online can make you feel broken or inferior, then that is your problem. I would continually remind myself of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." That didn't sit well with me because it seems to be missing something. It misses the fact that if you know for a fact that something is going to hurt another person or make another person feel bad, then perhaps you shouldn't say it. Really, who wants to feel broken? Who wants other people to try to fix them? I know I don't like it when other people try to fix me or give me unsolicited advice.

Now, I try to be more thoughtful about what I say. I try not to give unsolicited advice. Notice that I said try; I am still working on this one. I try not to say things that are too critical or may make another person feel bad about themselves. Part of that has been to try to acknowledge that each and every one of us has a story. If I knew your complete, unedited, and uncensored story, everything that you do would probably make a whole lot of sense. Since nobody can know that level of detail about another person, then I have to trust that the different choices made by other people are okay. It is hard to be critical of somebody when you are focusing on compassion and empathy rather than criticism and contempt. If you breastfeed or homeschool, there is no reason to have contempt for people that do not breastfeed or send their kids to school.

Of course, I can't talk about the prevalence of the idea of needing to be fixed without touching upon the education system and schools. The basis for a lot of what is done in schools is the idea that kids need to be fixed. Kids are supposed to be able to fit into the system and go along with whatever they are told to do. That is all fine and dandy for the kids that fit. I was one of those that more or less fit into the system. I made good grades and I was really good at taking tests. I wasn't popular but I wasn't a complete outcast either. One could say that I was pretty much invisible, which wasn't a bad thing.

Anyway, I am trying to get to the point that kids that do not fit into the system because of learning disabilities, appearances, personality, or anything else that might make them stand out as different do not fair so well. They do not fair well because somebody is constantly trying to fix them so that they will fit into the system. What is the saying about trying to fit a square peg into a round hole? The only way it will happen is to radically alter the square by cutting off the edges and sanding them down so that the square becomes a circle.

I can't tell you the number of people that I have run into that have real horror stories from school. One person that I know dropped out of high school and continually talks about how stupid he is. I think this is completely ridiculous because this person owns and operates his own business. You can't be a successful business owner and be stupid. You may not be book smart but you definitely aren't stupid. This person has no desire to think otherwise because he has accepted the "fact" that he is stupid.

All I can say is WHY? Why the hell was it necessary for teachers and other adults to make this person feel stupid? Because he wasn't a "good" student? Because it made the adult feel more powerful to put down a kid? Why was it necessary to continually remind this person (or any person like him) that he is different/not normal/broken/stupid or any other condescending adjective that comes to mind. This person has pretty much accepted his lot in life.

A lot of kids don't fair so well because they become the target of bullying and end up going to the extreme and taking their own lives. It is very sad and very unnecessary but I think it is a byproduct of living in a society where the focus is on fixing people that are different. Society wants to "fix" anybody that is different. If a person can't be fixed with talk therapy, then they must be fixed with drugs. If a person does not want to willingly change, then those around them will say and do things until said person acknowledges that they need to change. It is all about fixing people.

I don't know about you but I don't like the idea that I need to be fixed. I know that I am not perfect. I know that there are things about myself that I can work on to become a better person. The problem is that some of those "broken" things make me who I am. Without those imperfections and quirks, I would not be me. If I want help changing something, I will likely ask somebody or go to one of the million self-help resources out there. I don't need somebody constantly rubbing my nose in the things that I am doing wrong. I don't need other people constantly pointing out my imperfections. Yes, I know I am fat. Repeatedly telling me that I am fat, giving me dirty looks, or making other snarky remarks is not going to change that. When I am ready to stop being fat, I will do whatever it takes to change. Until such time, STFU.

That brings me to one of my final points. If a person sincerely wants to change, then I am all for that. I will be there to help them. I will give them information. I will even be a hard ass if that is what I think will help them. The bottom line is that changing for somebody else rarely works. How many times have relationships failed because one partner wants the other person to change for them? I know that in some of my previous relationships the person that I was dating wanted me to change or somehow be different. When I started dating my husband, neither of us had any desire for the other to change. There was no pressure to be anybody other than who I was at that exact moment. If you can't love somebody for who they are at this exact moment in time, then perhaps you need to rethink things.

It is a little bit harder to do with your kids because you can't divorce them or split up. However, you can actively work on NOT seeing them as broken. Instead of seeing them through what I like to call the "fix it" lens, try to put on the rosy glasses so that you will see all of the wonderful things about your child. Every single child that I have ever met has something really awesome about them. The problem is that most people do not take the time to find that awesome. People do not take the time to focus on the good stuff. I am not saying that we are all perfect or that we live in a perfect world. We are not perfect and the world can be a pretty crappy place at times. However, I wonder what would happen if we focused on what is good and right rather than what is broken and wrong?

Rather than trying to fix other people, why can't we accept them for who they are? Instead of putting a label on people that are different, lets simply say that those people have a different world view and need more tools to cope with that world view. Maybe I am oversimplifying things. Sometimes I think things need to be oversimplified, even for a short time, just so that it is possible to see through all the crap. The next time you think about criticizing or fixing another person, think about how you feel when other people try to fix you. Think about all those times that you felt weird or thought twice about doing what you love because you were afraid that other people would think less of you. If you can honestly say that you have never felt weird or out of place or pressured or broken because you did not do what was expected of you, then I would like to know how you do it without being a complete asshole.

I have gotten long winded again but felt that it would be a good idea to get it all out while I have the time and the inclination to write.

Reflections of a 21st Century Father

2011-10-29T13:31:00.001-05:00

(Note: This is a guest post by my wonderful husband, aka Mystified Dad!)

The definition of “Being a Dad” in the 21st Century is like being a dad in any other century: the primary role of the father is support his wife and children and love them. That is all good and fine on a definitional level, but it breaks down when you discuss the issue at the level of particulars. We live in an era where technology penetrates virtually every aspect of our lives. It is easier now to be connected to the rest of the world than it has been at any other time in history. News travels fast; opinions can be formed much more quickly, and held more vehemently than ever before. As of this writing I am 41 years old (born in 1970) and the world my kids are growing up in is simply not anything like the world I, or my wife, grew up in and I am happy with that!

What is different about being a dad in the 21st Century? For starters, I don’t adhere to the older model of masculinity, per se. Nor do I consider myself a purely “sensitive man.” I consider myself a man who is a mix of the classical manly virtues (strength, confidence, self-reliance, good character, etc.), and the more sensitive side of the “new man” of the latter third of the 20th Century (sensitive, not afraid of emotions, capable of being attached). I find The Art of Manliness (AoM) to be an excellent resource for men like me (and yes, I do shave like my grandpa…straight razor and all). Frankly, this article at the AoM says it much better than I can: manliness is “striving for excellence and virtue in all areas of your life, and being the absolute best brother, friend, husband, father and citizen you can be.”

Of course, this applies to women as well…we should all strive to do our best. The authors of AoM look at the issue of manliness/womanliness in terms of an adult/child distinction. I’m not entirely comfortable with that distinction because I don’t like the dichotomy of adults and children that I think this distinction makes (think “I’m big, you’re little). I’d really rather look at it in terms of independence and growth. Adults have had more time to grow and become independent and form their character. Children are still searching and learning and they need the freedom to do that with adults there to help when needed. Ideally, adults should strive to do their best, be of service to others, and independent. Children are still learning those things and need time and space to learn them. Since men and women are different, each will live out those virtues differently much the way two musical instruments (e.g. a guitar and a piano) can play the same note and sound entirely different.

Do I succeed? Most of the time, not really (ask my family, I’m FAR from perfect). Do I strive to succeed? Every day and that is what keeps me going. I have a goal to shoot for and I’m blessed with a wonderful wife and four darling daughters that are helping me along the way.

Dear Adults

2011-10-16T07:01:00.000-05:00

Please think before you speak to children. You have no right to harass a child that you do not know. When a child comes to an event to support a sibling, you do not harass the non-participating child for not participating. If you put the child on the spot and ask them a question, do not get mad and lecture them because you do not like the answer that you got.

I try not to get pissed too often and I try to bite my tongue a lot. However, this is one time when I feel like I have to say something. Yesterday, my 7 year old participated in a choir event. My husband and I and all of her siblings went to watch and support her. We wanted to see her first public choir performance. A gentleman decided that he should ask my oldest why she wasn't in the choir. He was very pushy about it and wasn't very nice about it in my opinion. When my daughter responded, "because I don't want to". He took it upon himself to give her a lecture about her attitude. He proceeded to tell her that he has dealt with kids like her before. He said that he offers to bring kids like her candy and snickers when he visits them in jail in a couple of years. I was dumbfounded.

I felt like a horrible parent at that moment because I could not find words to respond. How the hell can this person that has only met my daughter once or twice presume to know who she is? How the hell can this person lecture her about her attitude? He put her on the spot and she didn't quite know how to respond. Heck, I wasn't sure how to respond. We were not there to be harassed or questioned. We were there to support my 7 year old. Why did he feel the need to lecture her about her attitude? I honestly didn't see anything wrong with telling somebody that you are not doing something because you don't want to do it. It is honest. She may have been short with her response but I didn't see/hear any attitude. She was tired. She seemed more like a deer in the headlights than anything else.

After the guy walked off, I apologized to my daughter. I used it as an opportunity to tell her that she is probably going to run into a lot more people like that. We tried to talk about how to handle situations like that in the future. She asked me what she did wrong to end up getting a lecture like that. I told her that I wasn't sure. The only thing that I saw that could have been interpreted as "wrong" was that she was a bit short in her response and she wasn't smiling and perky. I don't know what kind of response he wanted from her.

Would you ask another adult a question like that and then proceed to lecture them and tell them that they are going to end up in jail because they choose not to join a church choir that is strictly voluntary? Why do adults think that it is okay to do that to children? People wonder why kids are leery of adults and have a problem with them. That is why. Adults think that it is okay to put kids on the spot and then get pissed when the kid does not respond how they want them to respond. If you ask a question that is invasive, don't be upset when you get an honest answer that cuts to the chase.

I have so many problems with what this person did. First, if you want kids to participate in anything, you treat them with some modicum of respect. If you want people to come to your church and participate in activities, you do not berate them or belittle them. My children are always given the choice of going to church or not. They are always given the choice of whether or not they want to participate in those activities. Lack of participation does not indicate a lack of character nor does it indicate anything else. Who wants to go someplace where they are treated like shit?

I shouldn't be surprised by this gentleman's behavior because this is the same church where I was told by the priest that my oldest girls were too young to have a sibling. (That was 5 or 6 years ago.) I was pregnant and when I mentioned it to the priest, that is what I was told. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage so his words still haunt me. It is my husband's church so I try to support him and I let my girls choose whether or not they wish to join him. My 7 year old chooses to join him and sing in the choir. My oldest does not. That does not put her on the road to being in jail. That does not make her less than her little sister. All it does is make her different and I wish like hell that people could see that without trying to make my oldest feel like shit for not being like her little sister.

So, please think before you speak to a child. Do not use your position as an adult to berate and belittle children. Do not use your position as an adult to assert your power over those that are younger than you. Do NOT tell a 10 year old that she is going to end up in jail if she does not change her attitude.

The Power of Song

2011-10-12T07:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I feel like I am a dreamer because I have no desire to hate anybody or anything. I have no desire to promote hate or negativity. At times, I feel alone because I don't see a lot of sources on the Internet or in real life that agree with me. When I don't want to feel alone in my thoughts, I turn to music.

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. -Aldous Huxley

Music can change the world because it can change people. -Bono

I think I could spend all day looking up music and lyrics that say what I want to say or express how I feel. At any given time, I can find a song that expresses what I am thinking or feeling. When we are in the car, we listen to music as a family. We have loaded songs onto the iPod that represent every single genre. There are kid songs and sad songs and happy songs and you name it. The other day, I posted "Are We Repeating History?" because I feel like people are missing something. People are forgetting to look at history. People are forgetting that whether we like it or not we share this planet. The ride can be full of strife and discord or it can be full of peace and love. I sometimes feel really alone but then I turn to music. Music makes so much difference.

My husband is a musician and writes songs. In our everyday interactions, you wouldn't think that he would write such powerful stuff. One minute he will write a song that has me rolling on the floor laughing my butt off and the next minute he will write a song that brings me to tears because I know the event the precipitated the writing of the song. Songs are so powerful. If you want to see what is on the minds of people, go listen to what the local musicians are doing.

We have some friends that have formed a band called Westbound. It has been such a pleasure watching them grow. I love listening to their music because they seem to combine all of the genres of music that are associated with feeling and the human condition. Check out their web page and be sure to check out the videos and listen page to get a taste of the music. I can't even begin to describe it other than it has the ability to really suck you in and say the things that you have thought but could never find the words to say.

Whenever I think I am crazy for thinking about everyone coming together, I am reminded of the song Imagine by John Lennon. The lyrics are powerful:

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

There is another little song by Ray Wylie Hubbard called Conversations with the Devil that has some mighty powerful lyrics too. Here is a sampling:

"now the murderers and the rapists they go in this fiery lake

As well as most of the politician and the cops on the take

And all the mothers who wait till they get to k-mart to spank their kids

And instead of showing what to do what's right

They just hit 'em for what they did

And all the daddy's who run off and abandon their daughters and sons

Oh anybody who hurts a child is gonna burn until it's done"

One of my personal favorite artists is John Prine. It seems like all of his songs have something to say. I found a really cool site that lists all of his songs and a link to the lyrics. Check out the John Prine Song Lyrics page for some really powerful stuff. I particularly like Angel from Montgomery.

There's flies in the kitchen, I can hear ‘em there buzzin'

and I ain't done nothin' since I woke up today.

How the hell can a person go to work in the mornin’

and come home in the evenin' and have nothin' to say?

Some other miscellaneous websites to check out that have links to music:

Here is a blog devoted to exploring American Roots Music. I didn't have time to go through it all because it is so full of information about various artists and music.

Here is an awesome compilation of Roots Music from history. The recordings that are available are simply amazing. I sampled some of the songs listed as Post War Blues Records from Small Independent Labels 1940s - 1950s. There is something about those acoustic guitars and lyrics that really grab you.

Here is a list of protest songs that are full of songs that talk about the human condition and the desire for peace and freedom. Most of these songs are from the 60's. A lot of people have said that the protests of today are reminiscent of the protests of the 60's.

Here is a list of The 10 Most Powerful Protest Songs of the 21st Century compiled by Kate Hutchinson.

Dangers of Generalizations

2011-10-11T15:59:00.001-05:00

I have written a couple of posts that touch upon some of the grass roots movements. I have written a couple of posts about labels and a few other things. As I was thinking about this today, I found myself bothered by what I said about corporations in my last post. Why did it bother me? It bothered me because what I said was a generalization. I hope to explain what I mean and further expand on why I think it is not a good idea to make statements that are over generalized.

When you make a general statement, you are taking all of one group of people or things and lumping them together. You are generalizing that all of the members of a particular group fit a certain criteria. In some cases, generalizations are used to dismiss those that do not fit the generalization. A lot of generalizations are made as unqualified statements. The person talking/writing assumes that the person listening/reading know what he/she is talking about when they make general statements.

I was on a discussion forum one time and somebody made a blanket statement about kids that go to public school. I started a rather large debate because I would not come off of the idea that it is not good to go around making general statements about a group of people. The argument was that the kids the writer were talking about did fit the generalization. My response was that she should have said that those particular kids were jerks. The fact that they were jerks may or may not have been caused by the fact that they go to school. I have gotten into similar discussions about general statements that are made about home schoolers. Lots of people want to lump all home schoolers together as religious nuts that keep their kids at home and do not expose them to anything that is outside the parents comfort zone.

I suspect that some people think I am a walking contradiction because I will go from defending public schools to defending home schooling in the same conversation. Likewise, I feel like a walking contradiction with regards to corporations. I do not like greedy and evil corporations but that does not mean that all corporations are evil and greedy. There are a lot of non-profit corporations out there that have incorporated for funding and tax purposes. There are also some for-profit corporations that are small and are run by families or small groups of people. They are privately owned and have nothing to do with Wall Street. I will stand behind those types of corporations because they are not greedy and they have done nothing wrong. For me, it is important to make that distinction because I suspect that some of the non-profits and other little guys may take a beating because people are not making the distinction between the evil bastards and the little guy that is simply trying to make a living.

Generalizations are what is behind things like racial profiling, systematic oppression of a targeted group of people, and a host of other injustices in the world. It can be difficult to look at each individual person, each individual thing, or each individual business because that means that you have to do more thinking. It means that you have to stop making snap judgments about something based solely on a general idea, which may or may not be based on facts or reality.

I was reading an article this morning about how different groups are trying to co-opt the Occupy Wall Street movement in order to gain political power. In the article, it mentioned that the Tea Party started out the same way but was eventually co-opted. Here is the excerpt from the article:

Indeed, many forget that before the Tea Party was an Astroturf movement funded by Armey and the Koch brothers, it was an enraged grassroots movement, led mostly by Ron Paul libertarians. Then it got co-opted and now it is a rotten pawn of corporate elites.

If Occupy Wall Street organizers are not careful, this could also be their destiny.

(From Horn, Steve (October 11, 2011) MoveOn.Org and Friends Attempt to Co-Opt Occupy Wall Street Movement)

I point this out because I see an opportunity for the two sides to come together and work towards a common goal, which is to get rid of corruption and greed in government and big business. That will probably never happen because both sides are so busy making negative generalizations about each other without ever really stopping to realize that both side simply want to take back the nation. Both sides are sick and tired of feeling like other people are telling them what to do and how to live their lives. Maybe what I am saying is just more generalizations that gloss over how different the two groups are. I will give you that but I think that if you are going to make a generalization, it should be done to promote unity rather than promote dissension.

Loving What You Do Including the Ups and Downs

2011-10-11T03:25:00.000-05:00

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend and I told him that he needed to figure out what he loves doing and do that. His response was that you can't do what you love 100% of the time. At the time, I sort of agreed with him because I didn't quite know how else to respond. The more I think about it, the more I find myself asking, "Why can't I do what I love 100% of the time?"

Chose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. -Confucius

I know it sounds idealistic to say that I do what I love 100% of the time but the more I think about it the more I realize that it is entirely possible. I think it becomes possible when you realize that life is full of highs and lows. Everything has a pro and a con. I hadn't originally thought about yin and yang but as I was typing the the previous sentence it popped into my head. I did a quick search on yin yang and came to its entry in Wikipedia. I think the following sentence from the entry gets at what I am trying to convey:

Yin yang are not opposing forces (dualities), but complementary opposites that interact within a greater whole, as part of a dynamic system. Everything has both yin and yang aspects as light cannot exist without darkness and vice-versa, but either of these aspects may manifest more strongly in particular objects, and may ebb or flow over time.

That is precisely what I was trying to find the words to say. Good cannot exist without bad. Highs cannot exist without lows. All of it exists as part of a larger whole. If you focus too much on the lows, then it becomes too easy to forget about the highs. If you focus too much on the highs, then it becomes too easy to get complacent and get blindsided by the lows. For me, it is about living in the moment but realizing that this moment is one moment among many.

Does that mean that everything is easy? Does that mean that there aren't times when I want to run away screaming? Does that mean that there aren't times when I struggle? No, things aren't always easy. Staying up with a sick kid is not easy. I do not like seeing my girls in pain but I also do not like the idea of them being sick and alone. I love my girls. I try to always keep that in mind. No matter how frustrated I may be, I try to look at the bigger picture. Yes, there are times when I want to run away screaming because I have messed something up or I have failed to live up to my own expectations.

Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility involved in being a parent. One of my biggest fears is that I am going to scar my kids for life. When that fear rears its ugly head, I remind myself that every choice has good and bad. I think every parent that I have ever talked to has the same fear. I don't know how many times I have heard parents question their own decisions. I don't know how many times I have heard parents agonize over doing what is best for their children. I know that I have heard my parents talk about some of the decisions that they made as parents. At the time, they did what they thought was best. It was only in retrospect that they were able to see the full impact of those decisions. I can't let that fear of failure paralyze me. I try to conquer those fears by talking to other parents and doing a little bit of research.

As a parent, I try to think about this all the time because being a parent is full of highs and lows. Kids are unpredictable and sometimes I get frustrated because things don't work out the way I want them to. I tell people that I love being with my kids. I focus on all of the good stuff. Even when I am feeling frustrated and trying to deal with a particularly trying situation, I can love what I am doing. I love it because it is part of the larger whole. I love it because I know that whatever is frustrating me is not permanent. Rather than throwing my hands up in despair, I try to remember that this moment will not last forever. At some point in time, the current frustration that I may be feeling will be forgotten.

My mom, my grandma, my brother, and my sister remind me of this frequently. My grandma talks a lot about having 5 kids. I can't tell you the number of times that she has reminded me to enjoy it because they grow up so fast. She will laugh and talk about her little boy being in his 60's. When she lived with us, I remember a day when I was particularly irritated with all of the toys all over the floor. She chuckled a bit and told me not to sweat it. I don't remember exactly what she said but she said that she spent a lot of years worrying about the toys and then one day all of her kids were grown up and she would love nothing more than to worry about tripping over toys.

When I am having a bad day, I can call my mom and she will say, "I know. I raised four kids. Before you know it, they will all be grown up and you will miss them." I can call my siblings too. Even if I don't talk to them about anything specific, it is nice to have somebody that is on your side. Both of my big sisters are now grandmas, which is weird. Both of them talk about how quickly the time passes. My brother no longer gets to see his kids so he is constantly reminding me to not sweat the small stuff. He has given me a lot of little bits of wisdom without even realizing it.

I know that this post is supposed to be about the ups and downs and loving what you do but I think talking about my parents and my siblings fits into that nicely. I love my siblings dearly but I have to admit that they do get on my nerves from time to time. We haven't always had wonderful relationships. Our relationships have ebbed and flowed with good and bad. Whenever we have had a spat, I take a step back and try to remember that sometimes people just need a little space. With my family, I used to get so worked up over things because when things were going bad it would feel like the end of the world. I remember getting kicked out when I was a teenager and it made me so sick because it felt like my world had just collapsed. I felt like I would never ever get to see my family again. It hurt. The situation worked itself out and I eventually went back home. I wish I had known then that things have a way of working themselves out. I don't always know how it is going to work itself out but I know that it will eventually work out.

That brings me to something else that was brought up in the conversation that I was having with my friend. The idea of work was mentioned. Loving what you do does not mean that you do not have to work. It does not mean that you do not have to put forth any effort. It means that you recognize that there will be lots of work and effort involved but you are more than willing to do whatever work is involved. Even though it is work and takes effort, it doesn't seem like it because you realize that it is all about what you love. If you love your kids, you do whatever it takes to parent those children. Being a parent involves lots of effort and work but that work and effort does not make you stop loving your kids. If you love what you do, then it is rather easy to recognize that the work and effort involved is part of the package. If you love what you do, then it is easy to deal with the highs and lows because they work together to form a cohesive whole.

In my post about history, I mentioned that looking at individual facts without looking at the bigger picture leaves things skewed and disjointed. I think the same thing happens when people get too focused on one particular event or feeling in their own personal lives. I almost feel like I am contradicting myself because I do advocate living in the moment and living each moment to its fullest. I think part of being able to live in the moment comes from realizing that this moment is fleeting. If you know that something is going to go away, it is much easier to either fully enjoy it or not let it get you down.

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. -Thomas Merton

Balance your thoughts with action. If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done. -Bruce Lee

Are We Repeating History?

2011-10-10T14:09:00.015-05:00

Every situation is a result of a bunch of other really complex situations. Each and every person has come to where they are through a complex series of events. Sometimes, those events could have been prevented and sometimes they couldn't. Rather than try to talk about any one cause or any one issue, I would rather boil it down to history. Isn't there a saying that says those that forget history are doomed to repeat it? I was originally going to write this post about Occupy Wall Street and corporations but thought better about it.

As I was thinking about this post, it occurred to me that knowing about the past can be applied to so many situations. I am a parent first. Everything else is secondary to that. In order to be the parent that I want to be, I try to stay aware of what is going on in the world. I try to pay attention at all levels. It is sometimes difficult because I hear a lot of conflicting information. I read a lot of information that is meant to incite people and get them riled up. While I don't like to deliberately piss people off, I realize that sometimes that is what is necessary to get things done in this world.

If everybody was happy, there would be no Tea Party. There would be no Occupy Wall Street. There would be no Coffee Party. A lot of the movements that are arising are arising because of discontent among the people. I don't care which movement you support. I support them all. Why? I support them all because I recognize that at the base level they exist because people are not happy. People want change. People want the government to actually support the people rather than self-interest.

If you look at most of the major change that has occurred through out history, you will see that most of the time it happens because ordinary people start doing extraordinary things. People stop being complacent. People start getting pissed off. I know that when I am pissed off, I do not mince words. I may say some ugly things but people hear me. When I am not mad, it is easy to ask for things nicely. When I am not mad, I can be patient and loving and wonderful. When I am mad, all of my good sense goes out the window. I work my ass off not to get mad but I have to admit that there are times when I have tried to be nice. I have tried to ask for what I want. I have done everything but stand on my head and sing a jig. When people are backed into a corner, don't expect them to come out happy. Don't expect them to put on a smile and take more crap. That is precisely why we have the Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street. People are pissed off.

For some reason, I am not pissed off. I am not the least bit surprised by any of this. Maybe it is because of who my parents are. I learned more about history from sitting around chatting with my family than I ever learned in school. My dad has been saying for years that something like this was going to happen.

Another reason that I am not pissed off is because I recognize that all of the movements have an underlying cause. The people are mad. It is interesting to note that the people and the corporations both have the same goal, which is self-interest. When I originally wrote that statement, it made sense. I shared the link and somebody took issue with the idea that individuals and corporations are both out for self-interest. I can see why somebody would take issue with that because corporations are not people. There is no self. How can an artificial construct have a sense of self? Corporations exist to make money. As I write that, I am reminded that a lot of the original corporations were non-profit and were created simply to do projects. Once the project was completed, the corporation was dissolved. That is a long way from where we are now.

I can see that a lot of corporations do crappy things because their goal is to make profits for the share holders while supposedly protecting the individual. Some may claim that corporations open doors to innovations and so on. Some may claim that corporations are necessary to promote growth. If you are a share holder and get lots of money off of corporate greed, then I suspect that you may find ways to justify that greed. Why would somebody find fault with something that is benefiting them directly?

And that is where we have a conundrum. Some people are directly benefiting from corporate greed. Those people are going to justify it as the cost of doing business. The other problem with corporations is that they are not held accountable like the individual is. When you give a person or entity rights without any sort of accountability, then you are creating a situation that is ripe for abuse and misdoings. If corporations want the same rights as individuals, then they need to be held to the same standards that individuals are, which means that they do not get a free pass. Corporations may be made up of individuals but corporations are not human beings. Corporations are not living breathing entities. They are not sentient beings. They are artificial constructs that were created for the purpose of doing business.

In doing some basic web searching, I have found differing accounts of how corporations were treated in the 13 colonies. I read one source that said corporations were severely limited and that a corporation could not be formed unless it was voted upon by the government. If a corporation did anything wrong, it was immediately dissolved and assets were split among the shareholders. You can read more about it at ReclaimDemocracy.org. The name of the article is Our Hidden History of Corporations in the United States. Another site stated that the 13 colonies were very pro corporations since many of the colonies were founded by companies rather than individuals. I can't seem to find that source again but I seem to recall that it was the site of a corporate lawyer that was touting the reasons for forming a corporation.

I don't have the time to dig deeper into this but it highlights what I have been saying for quite some time. It is possible for somebody to pick a side and then do nothing but find information that supports what she/he believes. It is possible for people to distort history to fit their own needs. If you can tie something to the constitution and our founding fathers, it will have a lot more umph than if an everyday person says it. Here lately, there have been a lot of things being attributed to various historical leaders. I have reposted some of it only to find out that what I posted was not indeed said by a certain historical figure.

People are finally taking a stand because they are not happy. The current government is no longer meeting their needs. People want change. They want to be able to make a living wage and have some kind of health care. How many times has this happened during the course of history? How many times have people gotten tired and taken a stand?

It is pretty easy to see why they are doing what they are doing. When it comes to the various movements such as the Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street, I choose not to take sides. Rather than taking sides, I would rather encourage people to really think about things and really look at what the other side has to say without being a jerk. I am seeing a lot of stuff on social media that is making fun of anything and everything, political or otherwise. There is a cartoon that contains pictures of two jail cells next to each other. One is full and is labeled "Occupy Wall Street Protesters". The other is empty and is labeled "Corporations Arrested for Destroying the Economy". I agree with the sentiments of this cartoon but I think it is an oversimplification. Things didn't get this bad over night. The only way for things to change in a relatively short period of time is to speak up and not get discouraged. Another one that is being posted is a picture of people protesting and it points out all of the stuff that the protesters are using that are made by corporations. At the bottom, it makes some disparaging remarks about the protesters. I could go on and on about all of the different stuff that is being put out by both sides.

I have reposted some of these things because I think that they make some good points. The problem is that that people that should stop and think about the other side and they are not doing it. They are completely dismissing what others are saying because they disagree. That saddens me. I have friends from all walks of life; liberal, conservative, rich, poor, blue collar, white collar, you name it. I love being able to experience such diversity but I fear that all of this divisiveness is going to split us apart rather than bring us together. It annoys me when I see conservatives posting bad stuff about those that are Occupying Wall Street and are doing something to support a cause that they believe in. I get equally annoyed when I see liberals making fun of conservatives.

Please do not think that I am pro corporations. My thinking is that corporations are made up of individuals. How is it that individual people can come together to create something as big and evil as the corporation? There have been sociological studies that show that good people do bad things when they are abdicated of being responsible for their actions. That is where I am coming from when I talk about corporations. I am on the side of the people but a lot of those people are directly involved in the very things that they are against. I am trying to reconcile that in my mind. The key is that individuals involved in corporations are abdicated of personal responsibility, which means that there is a breeding ground for wrong doing. This ties into a lot of my thinking about sociology and how good people get caught up in bad things when they are not encouraged to think for themselves and look at the bigger picture.

Whenever one group of people starts trying to silence another group, you are eliminating freedom. There are two quotes that I try to keep in mind whenever it comes to saying anything against a group that I may not agree with for some reason.

The only way to make sure people you agree with can speak is to support the rights of people you don't agree with. -Eleanor Holmes Norton

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. -Voltaire

In all of my reading, I came across the following tid bit. It is a key note address about the stages of change. It is talking about the new math but as I read it, I found myself thinking about how change has occurred through out history. I was trying to do some research on the stages of change when I found it. It is called The Stages of Change and is by Dr. Zalman Usiskin and was given as a key note address at the 1999 Local Systemic Change PI Meeting. I want to pull out the following, which says:

It may be easy to decry the cycles as indicating that we do not learn from history — and I have often felt this way — it also may be the case that we have little recourse but to expect that the cycles will occur. If that is the case, then if you want lasting change, do not pin your project to these ideas. Instead, combine the best from both sides of the issue.

The cycles that the article is talking about is cycles in education, which closely resemble cycles seen in other arenas. When I stumbled upon this article, I was trying to find more information about the rise and fall of civilizations. I was trying to figure out why I think some of the things that I do. One of those things is the apparent cyclical nature of historical events. History is full of events that are not that different than what we are experiencing now.

Here is an article call Why Change Happens: Ten Theories by Sara Robinson. The theory that I was thinking about is the one that says that says, "Change happens according to predictable patterns, which can be discerned by studying history. These patterns are usually seen as cycles or waves, with periods of great change alternating with periods of rest and recovery."

When I began writing this post, I was certain that the reason that the US is where it is because people failed to study history. I was convinced that people are simply repeating history because they do not know anything about history. I know that I am not a history buff and I can remember very few dates. I remember a lot of vague details and I have a general sense of things but specific dates and specific events escape me. I have read a lot of tid bits here and there over the years. I have talked to a lot of other people who have also read lots of tid bits. Most of what I know is not what I learned in school. Most of what I learned is a result of me being curious about something I heard on the news or heard somebody else talk about.

I mentioned the idea of writing about history repeating itself to my husband and we both agree that part of the reason that a lot of people have a problem with history is because it is usually broken down into such small bits. It is little bits put under a microscope without getting an overall sense of the big picture. A lot of unethical things are done because people are not looking at the bigger picture. A lot of human rights are violated because people are not able to put all of those little pieces together to get an overall sense of the big picture.

Corporations didn't become greedy and evil over night. People didn't become complacent over night. All of this has happened because it is easy to dismiss the idea that one small change will make that much difference. Corporations became evil and greedy because small laws were changed to lift restrictions. Small changes were implemented to promote growth. When you add up a bunch of small changes, it makes a big difference. One subtle change makes way for something bigger than anybody could have ever anticipated. That is why it is so important to remember history. Whenever a historical figure or entity has been allowed to operate unchecked, things go awry until they are put in check again.

I think this has been building up during the last several generations. It happened because people were too comfortable. It happened because people slowly got used to letting others make their decisions for them. By the time people realized what was happening, it was too late. The only way to take back that power is for individuals to stand up and do something. Stop letting other people make your decisions for you. Stop taking everything you read at face value. Dig a little deeper. Look at the bigger picture. A lot of people choose not to do anything because they think that one person will not make a difference. I think that is the attitude that led us to where we are right now. Too many people have thought that it is okay not to care because he/she is only one person. Do the math! One multiplied by a large number is a large number.

History doesn't repeat itself - at best it sometimes rhymes -Mark Twain

Occupy Your Mind

2011-10-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

I have been following the Occupy Wall Street movement. I have also been seeing other people take the concept and apply it to other situations. One of them is #occupyedu: challenge schools to change. I think these are great causes, however, as I read about it all, I am wondering about things at the individual level. Sure, I want to get rid of corporate greed. Sure, I want to see improvement in education. I am wondering if any of this is even possible if people don't step up and occupy their own minds first!

I am not sure how to explain what is on my mind. While I was reading an article about the various Occupy movements around the country, this question popped into my head, "How many of these people are occupying their own mind?"

What do I mean by that? People need to think for themselves. That can sometimes be difficult when there are outside pressures trying to tell you that you need to buy the biggest house that the bank will finance (forget looking at what you can actually afford). It is difficult when people are pushing young people to go to college and take out large debts with the promise of a bright future and a guaranteed job. It is hard to think for yourself when common wisdom tells you that all kids need to attend public school so they can be properly socialized and receive a standardized education. I get that there are a lot of societal pressures to conform. I think a lot of us have had our minds occupied by society and societal pressures.

There is a website called We Are the 99 Percent, which contains stories of people that are struggling due to current economic conditions. There is an "Allow us to Introduce Ourselves" page that introduces the shared struggle that many are facing because of lost jobs, lost homes, and a host of other problems. One of the lines that sticks out is, "You do all the things you’re supposed to do." That line stuck out because it demonstrates what I am talking about. People do what other people tell them they are supposed to do without question. When it doesn't work out, then you have a scape goat. Please do not read this as me blaming the individual.

This mindset is something that is learned from early on. From the moment we are born, we are instructed to follow the rules and do what we are told. There is very little room for independent thought. Kids that question authority are seen as defiant or as trouble makers and it doesn't get any better as we age. If you have done everything that you are supposed to do and it works out, then there is no need to question things. It becomes too easy to tell those that do what they are supposed to do that they didn't do it right when things don't work out. The truth is that there is no one right answer.

I very seldom do what society expects me to do. I have college degrees but have chosen to work from home and homeschool my kids. When my husband and I got out of school and went to buy our first home, there was a lot of pressure from the real estate people and others to buy a big fancy house. The focus was on appearances and getting a house that would reflect our status as budding young professionals. It wasn't easy but we pretty much told everyone else to go to hell and we bought a cheep house in an area that a lot of people look down on. I have had people tell me in a condescending tone, "Oh, I could never live there." That's fine by me. I didn't choose my house based on status. I didn't let the real estate agent or mortgage company push me into something that I couldn't afford. I am not going to say that it was easy. It wasn't. The real estate people and everyone else had a pretty good sales pitch but I refused to buy into it.

My credit cards were a different story entirely. I got sucked into the credit card scam as a college student. The credit card companies used to camp out on the college campus and give out free stuff to people that would apply for their cards. Yes, I applied for them and got them. Biggest mistake I ever made. I have had to default on some of them. I am not proud of it but that is what I had to do in order to buy groceries. Of course, the flood that I wrote about in an earlier post didn't help matters either. When you are waiting on insurance money and living off of fast food because you don't have a kitchen or even a clean place to prepare food, it becomes way too easy to use the credit card. The worst part is that the credit card companies kept raising my credit limit. I would like to think that under normal circumstances I wouldn't have gotten sucked in and made such poor choices. The bottom line is that I was not occupying my own mind. I was letting other people, especially corporations get into my head by offering me things that I thought I wanted or needed.

How many other people are willing to admit that they have gotten caught up in those kinds of things? How many other people are willing to admit that they have let other people occupy their minds because they wanted to be accepted? How many other people are willing to admit that they are part of the problem? I know that I am part of the problem. I have a mortgage that is through a large corporation. I do not buy local nearly as often as I should. I occasionally get caught up in the desire to have more. I have made snap judgments about people that I don't really know because they are different than me. I have gotten caught up in group think a time or two.

So, I figure the best way to work at ending corporate greed and all of the other crap is to start with myself. I refuse to live in a neighborhood that has a home owner's association. I refuse to let other people make decisions for me. I refuse to get caught up in a cause unless I completely understand what it is all about. I try really hard to remember that greed and corruption are nothing new. Greed and corruption tend to get out of hand when people get complacent. When times are good, people tend to take things for granted. It is only when things go bad that people start questioning. The bad economic conditions will not last forever. I would hope that the people that are occupying Wall Street and are pushing for changes in other areas will remember their struggles and continue to push for improvements after things change.

Maybe I am an optimist but I am pretty sure that this will not last forever. If you look through the history books, it is full of greed and corruption. It is cyclical. Things get bad. People push for change. Change happens and then people get comfortable and complacent and then greed and corruption gets out of control, which leads to people pushing for change all over again. When I did a little digging about history, information about the Gilded Age kept coming up. Here is a PBS piece about the Gilded Age and it is eerily similar to what is going on right now. The rich were getting richer and were living in opulence while the poor were getting poorer and were often living in squalor. I bring this up not to dismiss current events but to motivate people and give them hope.

Change will happen but it will only happen if individuals step up and make small changes and stop letting other people occupy their mind. Individuals need to start questioning the idea of more. Individuals need to stop looking to others to fix things and figure out what they can do at the individual level.

A friend of mine posted this as his status the other day:

"I don't understand the philosophy of "more". I don't understand a life that exists primarily to make more money, so more things can be bought. I don't understand how in the world someone can make so much more money than they need, and not give that shit to someone who needs it, or do something that matters, or have any concern at all for your neighbor. Maybe I'm oversimplifying. Maybe I just don't know all the facts (this is generally true...). :-) What I do know is this: food, shelter, essential bills, and the doctor cost money. We all need to make enough to cover those things. Past that? Well, I don't understand it. I don't understand "more". (Thank you John!)

I am sharing it with you because I think the reason that we, as a nation, are in this predicament is due to the fact that so many people live a life that is driven by the philosophy of more without ever questioning it.

I leave you with a plea to start occupying your mind!

All Talk and No Action

2011-10-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

It's been about a week since my last post. I have been trying to think about what to write but have not reached any moments of clarity. A lot of stuff has been going on in the world and all of it speaks to me but I have no idea how to translate it into anything coherent. I have read several articles that get at what is on my mind. I plan to share those articles along with some of my thoughts.

I recently left a group whose goal was to talk about education and find ways to innovate and collaborate within the realm of education. The longer I was part of the group, the more frustrated I became. I became frustrated because it seemed that everyone wanted to talk but nobody wanted to do. I feel like I am doing. I am actively homeschooling my kids. I am actively teaching a college course and am trying to incorporate better teaching practices into my class. I was trying to share some of my thoughts and ideas but it seemed like it was all talk and no action.

Rather than make a plan of action, it was all about talk. It was all about arguing about who was right and who was wrong. It was about trying to get people to agree with each other. I started out really excited and jazzed about my participation in the group. Within a couple of days, the founder of the group disappeared. Another member and I talked about creating smaller steering groups to try to actually start implementing some of these ideas. I created the smaller group and asked the original founder to identify others that might want to work on things at the smaller level. I spent the first day creating documents and busting my butt because this is something that I am passionate about. After a couple days of putting in so much effort, it became clear that the others either did not like my vision or were waiting for me to do all the work so they could come in and take all the credit. Some claimed to be busy with other stuff. I don't know what was going on but it got to a point where I could no longer participate in the discussions.

All I know was that I was getting frustrated and decided that the best course of action was to simply leave the group. If something is that important to you, you find the time to do it. You find the time to make things happen. I have a problem with people that claim that they love something but then make excuses as to why they cannot follow up or make it happen. How long does it take to make a small effort towards participation? If it is your group, based on your passion, wouldn't it take just as long to participate as it would to make an excuse for the lack of participation?

I know that I shouldn't think those things because I have made excuses when it would have been easier to just do it. The truth is that sometimes I just don't want to do things. I wonder if the person that started the group started it with one vision in mind and once things changed and took on a life of their own she no longer wanted to deal with it. That is just me guessing because sometimes it is easier to over analyze things rather than stop and be compassionate and let it all go.

Sometimes, in order to be compassionate, we have to stop and admit our own failings. Tinybuddha has an article that is very appropriate and speaks to this better than I can. It is called "Why We Sometimes Choose Judgement Instead of Compassion". Towards the end of the article, it asks the following question:

"How, then, do we remain so judgmental and critical toward others, nailing them for failings that we dismiss or overlook in ourselves?"

That is a good question. It is one that I find myself asking all the time. One of my goals is to be more compassionate and understanding. To that end, I have had to learn when to walk away from certain things. It is hard to see my own failings when perched atop a pedestal of judgement against others for not living up to my expectations. I think the other part of the problem was the fact that my participation had too many expectation tied up in it. The group founder has been bugging me and telling me that I need to share my ideas more widely. There was a lot of flattery. She said a lot of the same things that my big sister says about me needing to do more so that I can contribute to the betterment of humanity. Every now and then, I get swept up in other people's expectations of me and it pisses me off. Why isn't being a mom good enough? Why isn't raising my four children to be the kind of people that are compassionate and forgiving and intelligent good enough?

One of my favorite parenting sites is Parenting for Social Change. An article was recently posted called "Preparation for the "Real World"" and it really spoke to me. It is all about conditional love and how well meaning adults try to prepare kids for the real world by putting conditions on love. The article states, "Children must diminish themselves in order to fit in. They must be something other than who they really are in order to be shown love and approval. They live in this fear. Fear of being who they are. Fear of being unlovable." As I read that, I began to wonder if my agreeing to participate was done to gain approval and have one more thing that I was doing.

Several people have said things that made me feel like what I am doing is not enough. Homeschooling my girls and teaching a college course is not enough. Rather than being proud of what I do, I feel like I have to diminish what I do so that I can fit in. I want people to love me and accept me for who I am but I doubt that will ever happen because I am not always sure who I am because I let other people influence me with praise and flattery. I think everyone needs to hear positive things but I get the distinct impression that a lot of these people are sharing positive things with me to manipulate me into doing what they want me to do or what they think I should do. As I type that, it bothers me. It bothers me because it means that in a lot of ways, I am still very much a little kid.

I try really hard not to be against things. I try really hard not to put negativity out into the world because the world is not going to change if everybody focuses on the negative. The world is not going to change if people do not actively choose to walk away from things that are negative. Another article that spoke to me was one called 7 Common Habits of Unhappy People by Henrick Edberg on the Positivity Blog. The author lists the 7 habits, explains them, and then provides an explanation of how to overcome them. I am going to list the 7 habits here. I am also going to address how I have gotten caught up in these habits at various times.

Aiming for perfection: At one time, I tried to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife. All that did was leave me feeling inadequate and frustrated. The truth is that there is no such thing as perfect. I can only try my best and keep working towards being better.
Living in a sea of negative voices: This one is huge. I can't tell you the number of times that I have gotten involved in negativity. I hate to admit that there was a time when it seemed that I enjoyed talking negatively about other people. All that did was drag me down.
Getting stuck in the past and future too much: I think this is something that a lot of people do. I see a lot of people on the parenting boards talk about bad stuff from their childhood. It is like they are reliving their childhoods so that they can prevent some kind of future hurt and pain for their children. They are so busy focusing on the past so they can create a better future that they forget to look at what is going on right now. I have done this more times that I care to admit. There is a piece on Tinybuddha called Tiny Wisdom: Worrying about Future Regrets that talks about future regret. One of my favorite lines from this article is, "But the reality is, no matter what choice we make, there will be pros and cons."
Comparing yourself and your life to others and their lives: I think social media makes it that much easier to compare. And the result of the comparisons are even worse than if you were sitting next to somebody. Parents (especially me) seem to have a tendency to only post about how awesome their kids and their lives are. We can watch what people post on social media sites but most of the time it is skewed. A person that tends to be negative is going to post lots of stuff about how horrible their lives are and are not going to post a lot about the other side. A person that focuses on the positive (or is trying to) is going to post mostly good stuff. I have found that what you see as an outsider is often quite different than what is actually going on. All of our lives our full of good and bad. There is no need for comparison.
Focusing on the negative details in life: This is another one that I have gotten sucked into more times than I care to mention. It is so easy to get caught up in the little negative stuff. Sure, there are a lot of things in life that aren't pleasant. It is weird because when I started actively looking for the positive, the negative seemed to melt away. I know the negatives are still there but they are not as glaringly obvious. Instead of seeing the negative details as mountains, I see them as tiny little molehills.
Limiting life because you think the world revolves around you: I would like to say that I have never been caught up in this one but I have. This is one of those things where you don't do things because you are afraid of what other people will think. You think that other people are actually thinking about you or care about you. In most cases, people are so caught up in their own little world that they don't care that you even exist. Yes, that is very cynical but it is true. How many people don't call or respond or follow up because they are busy? It is really easy to take it personally and make up all kinds of different things but the truth is that they didn't follow up or call because you are not that important to them. You could be the best person in the world and it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter because most of us live in worlds that do not involve thinking about other people.
Overcomplicating life: Who isn't guilty of this one? Instead of making excuses, just do it! This leads me to another article that I read called "The Grand Pep Talk: Decide to Rise" by Danielle LaPorte over at Whitehot Truth. Don't over complicate stuff. Just do it, not out of obligation but because you want to expand and explore and be better.

Back to the group that I left. I don't know why all of that bothered me so much but it did. I put a lot of time and effort into sharing my thoughts and ideas so it bugged me that the founder essentially assembled a bunch of people and then walked away. I don't know if the founder ever came back to the group because I left. When I found myself feeling resentment over something that I was doing voluntarily, I knew it was time to stop participating. It wasn't about the group or the founder or anyone else. It was about me. It was about me not wanting to put so much energy into something that was distracting me from my kids and my work. Rather than trying to make judgments or guess about other people's intents, it is easier to walk away.

I am going to close with a link to an article called Easier Said that Done by Andrea Owen over at Your Kick Ass Life. I absolutely love what she has to say here. I especially love the following:

Here’s my response today about, “It’s easier said than done”: NO FUCKING SHIT. That is the most obvious statement that has ever come out of my mouth and I vow to you and Jesus that I will never say it to anyone again. It always seems to follow up a piece of wisdom or advice about life or healing or moving forward. So, here’s a news flash: LIFE IS HARD. HEALING HURTS. MOVING FORWARD IS SCARY.

So we can talk and talk and talk about what we want to do with our life. We can complain about anything and everything but when it comes to real life changes……well, that’s easier said than done.

Well, I call bullshit. No more cop-outs. EVERYTHING is easier said than done. Words are meaningless unless they are backed up with action, EVERYONE knows that. I know one thing to be true: a fulfilled, happy, amazing, kick-ass life takes WORK. Work on yourself, work on your past, work on your issues, work on your addictions, because if it were easy, in my humble opinion, there would be way less shit wrong with the world than there is now.

But, instead, people sit and talk and blow smoke out their asses and complain that they’re not happy because of so-and-so. And to change or work on themselves is easier said than done. Whatever.

I am not an expert and I don't know about a lot. I do know that I get annoyed when I feel like people are blowing smoke out of their asses. I do know that it bothers me when I see people sit around and talk while refusing to actually do anything. I don't like it in myself and I don't like it in others. Just be honest. If you don't want to do something, then don't. If you don't like the way things are, then work to change them, but please stop talking. Please stop telling me what is wrong with the world. Please stop trying to force me into believing that we live in a big mean nasty world where everybody is out to get you. Nobody is out to get you because you are not that important. The next time you get sucked up in negativity, stop and try to find something positive. Stay up and watch the sun rise. Stop and smell the flowers. Watch a little kid play. There is so much beauty in this world that is getting ignored because people would rather focus on the negative. I know because I used to do it all the time.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." --Ghandi

Detachment

2011-09-27T14:04:00.001-05:00

Detachment is one of the things on my list of things that I have been wanting to post about. I think people have become to attached to everything. I think the reason that I have been wrestling with the idea of detachment is because people equate detachment with not caring or being aloof or some other negative adjective.

"Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people."

The kind of detachment that I have been thinking about has nothing to do with caring but has everything to do with realizing how powerless we are in some situations. Putting emotional energy into a situation where we have absolutely no control is physically and emotionally draining. In the past, I would get so worked up over things that I had no control over. I remember having bitch sessions with various people about everything that was wrong with the world, some individual, or something else. I was not happy. I was too emotionally invested in everything around me and was not paying attention to myself and my own inner workings. In hindsight, I think investing so much emotion in all of the people, places, and things around me was my way of avoiding looking in the mirror. It was my way of avoiding things about myself that I needed to fix and work on in order to become a better person.

There is one article in particular that I keep reading because it really gets at what I mean when I talk about detachment. It really gets at why I have struggled so much with so many things. The article is called Want to love more? Care Less by Martha Beck. I am going to pull out some quotes that really spoke to me.

"Since then I've found that loving without caring is a useful approach -- I'd venture to say the best approach -- in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less."

"For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off."

You may think that in such situations not getting upset would be unloving. But consider: If you were physically injured, bleeding out, would you rather be with someone who screamed and swooned, or someone who stayed calm enough to improvise a tourniquet?

Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping -- and able to emotionally detach.

Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making brother stays crazy. You can feel peaceful even if your daughter robs a bank. If Helen Keller could write, after growing up deaf and blind," I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad," then you can find a way to be happy even if your mother never does stop correcting your grammar.

My favorite part of the article is the last paragraph:

You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.

I love this last paragraph because I find myself giving people advice but I have gotten to a point where I don't care if they take my advice or not. Ultimately, it is up to them to think about what I have to say and decide whether or not it will work for them in their lives. If they choose to ignore everything that I say, it is not a personal reflection on me. It doesn't mean that the advice was bad. It simply means that they have the capacity to think about what I said and act accordingly. It feels really good to be able to talk to people without taking things personally. It feels really good to be able to think about things without having some kind of emotional attachment to the outcome.

As I was doing some reading and thinking about this topic, I found another really good article that helped me to further clarify my own thinking. It is called Detachment, Abundance, & Success: Just Another Day at the Beach by Ernie Gray. The following sentence is a good way of describing detachment: "A better way of describing detachment in zen practice is, “a detachment from outcomes in a state of positive being.” It is not about not caring but rather it is about not being attached to specific outcomes.

In homeschool/unschool circles, some parents will tell people that they are not planning out their child's future. Sometimes, it comes off as not caring about their children. That is not the case at all. It is more of a case of the parent has found a way to detach from specific outcomes. Most parents discipline their children and send their kids to school because they want specific outcomes. They are very focused on the outcome. I have struggled with this because I find myself wanting to make sure that I give my kids everything that I think they will need for success now and later. I realized that by thinking that way, I was becoming way too emotionally invested in my children. I know it sounds terrible to advocate not becoming too emotionally involved with your children. Please do not mistake that statement as me not caring.

I do care. I love my children more than life itself but I recognize that becoming attached to specific outcomes for them is only going to stress me out and it is going to put undue pressure on my kids. I have felt pressure from people that think I should be pursuing my Ph.D. or working outside of the house or doing anything other than what I am doing. Maybe I will do those things some day but not right now. Right now, my focus is on being with my children. My focus is on helping my children learn how to be a part of society without being consumed by it. I think detachment is an essential part of that. Society tends to make everything personal. Society tends to look for blame. Society focuses on specific outcomes without leaving room for things not working out like you planned.

I know I am getting long winded but I also want to mention that it is hard to practice detachment when you are in a state of hyper awareness. I have noticed the tendency for people to attack that which is different. Part of that comes from being attached to specific outcomes. I think another part of it comes from the fact that we live in a constant state of fight or flight. We are constantly being bombarded with information and ideas. There is a never ending expectation that we must always be doing something productive. Very little value is placed on quiet reflection. Very little value is placed on solitude and meditation.

I ran across this little snippet about Fight or Flight, which says, "We value quick answers, saving time, productivity, and efficiency. We are a masculine culture that rewards working hard, pushing limits, and being constantly busy. These values have led many Americans to feeling like they are constantly under pressure or being chased." If you are living in a state of hyper arousal, it is no wonder that people think disagreement is the end of the world. People are not stopping to deliberate or think. Everything becomes a reaction rather than a simple action. Getting cut off in traffic becomes a big deal rather than just something trivial that happened on your way to a destination. It's all about the outcome rather than the journey. Anything that is perceived as getting in the way of a specific outcome is attacked. If you can detach from the outcomes, then there is no need to get angry. There is no need to feel attacked or take things personally. It is not about you.

What's On My Mind

2011-09-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to think about what I will write my next post about but have not settled on any one topic because there are several different things that have been on my mind. I am going to list them here so that I can come back to them later.

Socialization: I know I have done a post on socialization already but it seems that people think school is some kind of panacea that is going to magically fix any and all social awkwardness.

Human nature/sociology: I have been doing some reading about the Stanford Prison Experiment done by Philip Zimbardo. On a related note, I have also been reading about the Milgram Experiment and its implications about obedience to authority. There is also the Stockholm Syndrome where people defend the captors/abusers. I am trying to sort all of this out in my head but I am not quite sure where to go with it because I am trying to avoid the extremes. For me, it is really easy to see how all of this applies to so many different environments.

Intergenerational dialogue: I have been paying attention to how my children interact with my parents and my grandma and I see how much they are learning from each other. As I watch the interactions, I am reminded of all of the discussions about generations. It seems that people have listed out the generations and have assigned a certain set of characteristics to them based on their general behaviors. I am wondering if defining somebody as a Boomer or a Millenial or Gen Xer is doing more harm than good because it is making sweeping generalizations about a group of people.

Relativism: By not speaking out against things, am I getting caught up in relativism? They say that you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything. What exactly do I stand for? Why am I able to discuss things without taking anything personally? Is it because I am firm in my beliefs and do not see differences as threatening? Or, is it because I think that anything goes and there is no such thing as one right answer? I have some thoughts about all of this but am not sure how to clarify them.

Detachment: I have been thinking about the importance of detachment. I have been working on becoming more detached and not taking things personally. As a parent, it is really hard to move away from being so attached to our kids. As somebody that has practiced attachment parenting, being detached seems like a contradiction. I am trying to figure out how one can encourage both attachment and detachment all at the same time. This is one that I am going to have to think on some more.

Why Do I Care?

2011-09-24T14:08:00.000-05:00

I have found myself asking that question about my participation in some conversations. I see lots of unschoolers that do not want to get involved in discussions about school. I respect that because it is not easy to be a part of education discussions when people do not want to acknowledge that there are lots of different educational choices. There are public schools, private schools, private tutors, homeschool, unschool, and probably others. I am trying to figure out what my motives are for participating in all of these discussions about education.

I am not finding any easy answers. I think one of my reasons is that I have started to focus on the bigger picture. For me, the bigger picture is children's rights. For me, the bigger picture is how people are treated across the board. My parents have recently decided to go to college. They are in their 60's and they have had to face a lot of ageism and discrimination because of their age. It isn't always big but they have repeatedly commented about how traditional students avoid them and do not want to work in groups with them. Even some of the professors treat them differently. Most recently, my dad was harassed by a security guard because of his handicap placard. I guess he is not supposed to be able to go to school because of his age. The harassment got so bad that he dropped his classes and is transferring to another campus.

Just yesterday, my grandmother with Alzheimer's was taken to her regular check up. The doctor said she has significant memory loss. Do we really need a doctor to tell us that? She can't remember all of her grandkids all the time so it is pretty obvious that she has significant memory loss. The doctor wanted to send her to a neurologist and do a bunch of tests. My grandma has no desire to that. The doctor was trying to push it until my mom stepped in and advocated for my grandma. Advocating for my grandma sometimes seems like an uphill battle.

How does all this fit in with schools? Well, to me, it all fits together because it demonstrates that it is not just the young that are getting messed around. I think the young and the old are both getting the short end of the stick. They are getting the short end because of what I like to think of as the institutionalization of everything. Families are no longer being encouraged to help each other. Advocating for each other without regard to age is sometimes difficult if not impossible because society has become one giant institution. It seems like we bounce around from institution to institution without every really thinking about it. It sometimes seems like we are in a pinball machine.

I was trying to look up some links on institutionalization and came across an article called Institutionalization and Deschooling, which draws the comparison between mental hospitals and schools. I am not providing this link to show how bad schools are. I am providing it because I want to point out that society as a whole has become accustomed to rigid schedules, lack of individuality, and a fear of authority. It isn't just a school problem. It is a society problem.

I see an interesting contradiction that I have no idea how to explain and I can't even begin to understand it. It is the reliance on institutions yet the fear of authority. It seems like people love to hate the experts yet they keep going back for more. If the experts bother you so much, then go find another expert. We live in the information age. You can find information to support just about anything that you do. If you have no desire to change and are happy with your life, then why continue to go places that are going to upset you? Why talk to the people that are going to put you down and make you feel like you are unworthy?

That leads me to another thought that I have been having but am not sure how to explain. It is the victimization of America. Rather than people standing up for themselves, people are laying down and giving up. People are refusing to see the myriad of choices that they have before them. I found this article about Empowerment and Victimization that gets at some of what I am thinking. Here are some quotes from the article that really get at the meat of the issue:

As long as we look outside of Self - with a capital S - to find out who we are, to define ourselves and give us self-worth, we are setting ourselves up to be victims.

As just one small example of how pervasively we are trained to be victims, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When we say "I have to" we are making a victim statement. To say, "I have to get up, and I have to go to work," is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The Truth is "I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working." To say, "I choose," is not only the Truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-Love. When we "have to" do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish, whomever we see as forcing us to do something we do not want to do such as our family, or our boss, or society."

On a horizontal level empowerment is about choices. Being victimized is about not having choices - about feeling trapped. In order to start becoming empowered in life it is absolutely vital to start owning our choices.

So, I care because I want other people to see that they have choices. If you are sending your kids to school, do it because you choose to not because you have to. If you are homeschooling, do it because you choose to not because you have to. Putting your kids in a situation because you have to is going to lead to anger and resentment and it will not have good results for the kids. It is hard to be an effective parent if you feel like a victim. For me, that is the crux of the situation. That is why I care. That is why I try to participate in conversations at all levels. If I can help teachers find their own power within the system, then they are going to be nicer to the kids and will be better teachers. If I can help parents find their own power, then they are going to be better parents. If I can help my parents navigate college and find their own power, then they are going to be much happier people.

I don't want people to misunderstand me. I am not trying to say that all people are powerless and need somebody to help them. There are a lot of people that have already realized all of this and do not need anyone to tell them anything. I enjoy talking to those people because we can discuss our different choices without being offended by the fact that somebody else has made a choice that is different than theirs. I think a lot of the polarization is occurring because people are trying to figure out how to find their own power and their own voice. That is not easy. I am still trying to find mine.

I want to close by providing a link to the Parenting for Social Change website. The article is called Loss of Inner Authority and the System of Oppression and I think it is worth reading. The final sentence is explains exactly why I care. "Resisting oppression and the indoctrination that comes with the cycle of socialization frees us to create new paradigms of respectful relationships for children and adults." I want everyone to know what it is like to participate in respectful relationships without regard to age.

The Importance of Family

2011-09-23T03:01:00.000-05:00

My little walk down memory lane got me to thinking. I have been having an inkling of something but I wasn't sure what. I have noticed a lot of talk about children's rights and not being oppressive towards children. I think there needs to be an equivalent focus on rights for the elderly. By shoving aside the old and the young, families are being dismantled piece by piece and nobody even realizes it.

I am slowly beginning to see how marginalizing the old and the young is eroding families as well as society. I am talking about the broader concept of family that includes all types of households including those that consist of what is known as DINKs. It isn't just the people with kids that I am talking about. Even before we had kids, I noticed that there was this pressure to devote your time to achieving and working and doing. Anything that interferes with achievement needs to be pushed aside whether it is a spouse, a child, or an elderly parent. Relaxing with the family is not an option!

I have really gotten caught up in being the perfect parent (whatever that is). I do not think it is possible to be the perfect parent. All I can do is try my best. I can try to be compassionate towards all human beings and I can try to always remember to think about how the other person might be feeling. With my kids, that is a bit easier to do because I can tap into my memory bank and remember what it was like to be a kid. I can remember what it was like to be small in a world that was designed for big people.

Trying to imagine what it must be like for older people is a bit more difficult for me because I have nothing to tap into. I have to use my imagination a bit. My oldest is only ten so it is very difficult for me to imagine her not being a kid. Frankly, I try not to think about it because I want to enjoy my kids as much as possible. Anyway, my point is that, when I try to think about what it must be like for my parents and my grandma, I get a little teary eyed because I can't imagine a day when I won't wake up thinking about my kids. I can't imagine what it will be like to go from them being dependent on me for so much to them not being dependent on me for anything. I know it happens gradually over time but I am really starting to think about it because some of my nieces and nephews are in their twenties and have started their own families. I used to get annoyed with my mom because she would talk about remembering changing diapers. I never got that until now. Now, I have to stop myself because I remember my nieces and nephews being babies like it was yesterday.

My nieces and nephews aren't my children but I ask them questions about their lives. They are not my children but I care about them deeply and I have to stop myself from butting in because I have always been a part of their lives and they have always been a part of mine. If I am this bad as just the aunt, I can only imagine how hard of a time I am going to have when my kids are all grown up. I try to give my kids information but I try to be cool about it. I try to be cool with my nieces and nephews but I don't think I am very convincing because I see them laughing at me or humoring me from time to time. I try to be respectful when I ask questions or give information but I sometimes wonder what they think about my input. When I ask them about it, they assure me that they are fine with me being the nosy aunt.

I see a lot of parents with young kids complain about their parents questioning and butting in. I know I wasted a lot of time resenting all of the questions about homeschooling and other lifestyle choices. I wish I had realized a lot sooner that our parents weren't trying to butt in or be jerks. They were simply doing what comes natural. They were concerned and curious and were trying to understand why were making choices that seem so different. In some cases, I think parents feel like the choices that their kids make are a slap in the face as if to say you screwed up so bad that I am doing everything completely different. That was never my intent when I made the choices that I made when it comes to my kids. A lot of my choices come from realizing that the world is a different place than it was 20 years ago. A lot of my choices come from valuing the idea of family and doing whatever I can to emphasize the family.

Once upon a time, there was no Internet so parenting wisdom was passed down from mother to daughter or grandmother to granddaughter. There were parenting books out there but there was nothing like what is available today. I feel like being a parent is a bit overwhelming these days because there is so much information out there and so much of it is contradictory. Rather than seeking out wisdom from family members, parents are turning to the Internet and the gazillion other parenting resources available. It is difficult to wade through it all. I think one of the things that all of this information does is fraction families even further than they already are.

I know that my intuition will tell me one thing and then I will go looking for information and then my intuition and judgment will get clouded. I will start second guessing myself. When I start second guessing myself too much, I start thinking too much and I make things too difficult. I have had to step away from a lot of the parenting type discussion forums because it was getting in the way of me spending time with my kids and enjoying them. All of those discussions became a huge distraction and I felt like I became too critical of myself, my children, my family, and everyone else as a result of my participation in them.

I am a big proponent of having access to information so I almost feel like I am contradicting myself when I say that I sometimes feel like there is too much parenting information out there. It is a smorgasbord of ideas and it is almost impossible to wade through it all without feeling a bit overwhelmed. It is too easy to lose sight of the big picture when you got caught up in the minutia. For me, the big picture is respecting each and every human being. For me, the big picture is taking it slow and having fun.

I have titled this post "The Importance of Family" because I am trying to work my way into talking about how families are slowly being replaced by artificial communities. Whether the community is online or in real life, people are choosing friends over family. People are opting to play on the computer, post on social networks, party, or do pretty much anything other than spend time with family. I am talking about people spending time with the old and the young. This applies to people that do not have kids as much as it applies to people with kids. I can't tell you the number of people that I have heard groan about spending time with family. How many times do you hear jokes about husbands and wives? I know that I have complained about spending time with my family and it is something that I am trying to fix because my parents, my husband's parents, and my grandma are not going to be around forever. They all have lots of really cool family stories to share and I don't want to miss out on any more than I already have. It's time to get over myself and really embrace them even if it means that they ask me a few questions about our lifestyle.

I think kids need to spend more time talking to the family elders. I think kids need to spend time hearing about what life was like before the Internet and before color TV. I don't think it needs to be forced on them but in so many cases, kids aren't exposed to those things because the parents have a problem with the grandparents or are estranged from family for some reason or another. I know that when I was a kid, I used to love sitting around talking to my grandma and grandpa. They always told the coolest stories about all kinds of things. I am fortunate that my grandma (87) is living close to us. She lived with us for a while and it was nice to listen to her tell stories. My girls would sneak into her room at night and she would tell them stories. A lot of kids miss out on things like that.

For a while, I was part of a group that was discussing how to create community learning centers. The more things were discussed, the more I realized that I am already a part of one of the absolute best learning communities available. I am part of my family. I have two sisters and a brother. Both of my parents are living and are still married. All of my siblings have children. My nieces and nephews are all older now and are starting their own families. When I add it all up, it comes out to about 20 people in our family and we all live within a 15 mile radius of each other. That doesn't include our friends or the friends of the different family members.

When I look at the talents and abilities of all of us, I realize just how much awesomeness my girls have available to them. My oldest sister just finished up a master's degree in education. My brother is a whiz when it comes to cars. My sister that is closest to me in age has two master's degrees. My parents have had their own business for years and know a little bit about almost everything it seems. My nieces and nephews are into computers and other stuff so there is really a wide range of options. The other cool thing is that my nieces and nephews have friends and they will come hang out at our house from time to time. We all value learning for the sake of learning.

I think part of the reason that I was having a hard time expressing myself in the group was because I don't know how to create something that I am fortunate enough to have because of my family. There is no need for an extra building. There is no need for extra funds or anything else. Each member of the family collects things that are cool. Our house is full of books and music stuff. My parents have tools and books and a bunch of other weird stuff. Sometimes, walking through their house and yard is like walking through a museum. I can't forget that my parents live on 32 acres so that provides a multitude of learning opportunities. Any time any one of us needs something, we know that the others will be there. We have all helped each other with various things over the years.

When I look around and see people trying to create artificial communities and artificial learning opportunities, I am at a loss as to how to contribute because it seems so artificial and forced. I am not trying to lessen what those people are doing. I am simply trying to say that I don't fully understand it because it is something that I have always had. Even when I was a kid and in school, my parents were big on learning for the sake of learning. Grades were important but so was curiosity. I don't have any concept of what it is like to be a part of a community that does not value learning. I don't have any concept of what it is like to be a part of a community that does not value the old and the young.

For the longest time, I didn't quite understand why people were creating these artificial communities. I tried really hard to fit into those communities but it never really worked for me or my kids. My kids were used to hanging out with family that let them be themselves. For the longest time, I abandoned my family in favor of something artificial because I didn't realize how much my family has to offer. My family isn't perfect by any means but it is nice to know that they have my back and I have theirs. I used to never think that having so much family was a big deal until recently. It has only been recently that I have realized how families are taking a beating by work and school and all of the other things that exist to take us away from our families. Even if you are a couple without kids, it is hard to find time to devote to each other let alone kids or parents.

One of my friends posted the following on a social networking site the other day and it has stuck with me: "Dedicating your attention to everything is a great way to ensure that you don't dedicate enough to anything. Worse still, no one sees anything wrong with this. And so it continues." (Thank you Rebecca!)

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2011-09-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

It's always interesting when you do something that sparks fond memories of childhood. This past weekend, I got the pleasure of going to a Sprint Car race. My brother got a bunch of free tickets and invited us to go to the races with him and some other family members. It was weird how many memories came flooding back.

When I was a kid, my dad was really into racing. He had numerous race cars of the years. I was around racing pretty much every weekend until I was 10 or 11. I remember being so disappointed when my dad got out of racing. Up until then, my only dream was to be a race car driver.

One of the things that I remembered was my 8th birthday. My 8th birthday fell on a Saturday night, which was racing night. I didn't have much of a party but I got the best present ever. After the races were over that night, my dad talked to a couple of people and made arrangements for me to get a ride in his race car. It wasn't just any car either. It was my dad's sprint car. My dad had a driver in the car at the time so he got his driver to give me a ride around the track. I sat on his shoulder perched between the roll bars. I cannot describe the rush that I felt that night. While reminiscing with my brother, we chuckled at how things like that are no longer allowed. If somebody tried to do that now, they would probably get in trouble for child endangerment.

The cars were loud and noisy. There was dirt in the air. You could smell the engines and the tires and all of the other car related smells. It was awesome. We sat up high in the stands and got a good view of all the action. My husband had never been to a race before so it was all new to him. The way the bleachers vibrate and the cars roar around the track is not something that can be described. I think the other cool thing was that my husband got to hear about things from my childhood that I don't think I have ever really shared before because I just didn't think about them.

Another funny memory was how I used to get into the pits. I was too young to sit in the stands by myself and my sisters had quit going to the races. My brother was part of the pit crew and I was not going to be left out. I don't think I was technically old enough to go in the pits but mom and dad snuck me in anyway. My dad had a big car hauler with one of those sleeper sized tool boxes on it. We would stop just before the entrance to the track and I would go hide in the tool box. I actually think that it was a funeral home where they would stop and I would climb in the back. We used to have a joke about stopping at the funeral home so I could climb in a box. I know it sounds morbid but it was funny as hell when I was a kid.

There was nothing quite like being a kid in the middle of all that action. I was never treated like a little kid. I knew how to be safe. I knew how to watch for cars. Most of the time, I sat on top of the car hauler where all the tires were stored. Sitting on top of a big race car tire is quite comfy when you are a little kid. It was cute because on Saturday night, I was talking about how much fun racing tires are to a little kid and then when we went into the pits after the races, we saw a little kid playing in a racing tire. It was cute and it reminded me how much I used to love doing those same things when I was a kid.

One of the coolest things about the race track as a kid was the clay. I used to pick the clay off of the race cars and build things out of it. The race track we went to Saturday night didn't have as much clay because the weather has been so dry. Either way, it was still cool to remember all of those things. I think my brother got a kick out of going down memory lane with me.

I think one of the most important things that I got out of the whole experience is to lighten up a bit. I am a part of all of these discussion groups that want to talk about education and all kinds of convoluted things. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't kids have fun? I learned so much from so many people when I was a kid hanging out at the race track. I hope that when my kids grow up they will have fond memories of being a kid.

Can Homeschooling Help Public Schools?

2011-09-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

Today on my Facebook feed, Linda Dobson of Parent at the Helm posted Readers Please Help: Can Homeschooling Help Public Schools? . I thought about responding in a comment but as usual my answer is most likely going to be long and complicated. In a nutshell, my response is "it depends". I am going to use this post to explore my thoughts on this.

I had mixed reactions to this question.

If an educator asks me for ideas, I am more than willing to share my ideas with them. I think that homeschoolers have more time than classroom teachers do so it might be useful to get some lessons learned from homeschoolers. It might also be helpful if the two could share resources. Homeschoolers have a lot more opportunities to be creative and explore. Maybe homeschoolers could fit homeschooling type activities to the different state requirements. Homeschoolers are already doing this in many states to meet state requirements. I wonder if it would be helpful if teachers and homeschoolers started talking about how to meet state requirements while infusing the classroom with more creativity.

When I talk to my public school teacher friends, I tell them that my decision to homeschool is not a knock against them. I think it helps when teachers do not feel attacked. I feel like there is a bit too much tit for tat going on lately. Some homeschoolers attack teachers and talk about how bad they all suck. Some homeschoolers talk about how stupid all teachers are. I think we have lost sight of the big picture. Teachers are human beings that are trying to make a difference. Even if they are misguided or unable to see the big picture, attacking them is not going to help them see anything differently. Maybe I am a bit subversive but I try to loan out my copies of Gatto, Holt, and Illich to teachers that express dissatisfaction with the system. I try to be compassionate while still planting seeds. I don't know whether or not those seeds will grow but I know that teacher training does not expose new teachers to any alternative ideas and views. I think this is an area where homeschoolers can share with public educators but the sharing must be done as equals rather than as "I am better than you because I got out of the system."

Exposing teachers (or society) to a different perspective may go a long way to making a difference. In some cases, they don't even know that some things exist. I went through teacher training but never ever heard the word andragogy before. It is a word that I recently discovered and it has opened up my world a bit because I am able to research things from a slightly different angle.

Of course, the only way that is going to help is if the person you are talking to is open to exploring new ideas and perspectives. If an individual teacher or institution is not interested in hearing different ideas or perspectives, then homeschooling has absolutely nothing to offer public schools. I have come to the conclusion that I have no desire to help people that do not want to be helped. I have no desire to force my opinions on others because that seems to have the opposite result.

One thing that I think homeschooling does contribute to is smaller class sizes. Teachers are already struggling with large classes. If my kids are not in school, then that is one less student for teachers to worry about. Some might argue that my kids need to be in school so the schools can get more funding but I don't think in terms of money. I think in terms of what will help individual teachers in the classroom because the teachers are the ones that are on the front lines.

Quit With the Guilt Already

2011-09-19T01:46:00.003-05:00

I just finished writing a response to Ron Clark's What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents. While researching and reading the various responses, I noticed a trend. The trend was that the most outspoken and harsh responses were typically by those in the homeschooling community. I don't know why I had such a reaction to the posts written by homeschoolers and unschoolers. I want to take a minute and try to reconcile some of those thoughts and feelings.

I guess part of my uneasy feelings stem from the fact that it is really easy for somebody sitting outside the system to ridicule it and point out how horrible it is. A lot of the responses from homeschoolers seemed to be laden with guilt and blame. If you send your kids to school, you are contributing the evilness that is school. If you are a teacher, then you are bad and are contributing to hurting children. If you don't agree with the idea that schools are horrible places, then there is something wrong with you. If you are too stupid to understand why every single school should be shut down, then there is something wrong with you. Those things are not said directly but that is what I hear in a lot of the posts by unschoolers and homeschoolers when it comes to talking about schools.

I have to remember that a lot of people didn't set out to homeschool or unschool. A lot of the people that are speaking out have had kids in school that had really bad experiences. I don't want to dismiss the fact that they have had a lot of negative experiences with schools. Heck, I could sit and list a bunch of bad experiences that I have had with schools. I have plenty of bad stories about my experiences with schools from when I did my student teaching. I have stories about bad things that happened to my nieces and nephews at school. So I really get where they are coming from and I don't want to diminish that. I guess for me it is about maintaining a balanced view. I can't seem to forget that there are two sides to everything.

For every person that rails against school, there is another person that actually likes it and sees no need to make any major changes. I think the people that like it are the ones that did well in school and were popular. They have grown up and gone on to college and gotten into nice careers and have had children that go to school and fit in. They have kids that seem to be well suited for traditional schools. I know that I did well in school. I was bullied a bit and I never fit in but I don't think that had as much to do with school as it did with who I am. I am an adult and I still don't fit in. I have learned to get over it. As I just typed that, it kind of makes me a little nauseous because I hate the sentiment of "just get over it". I feel like I am really contradicting myself but the truth is that I would have rather gone to school than stayed at home. There wasn't really anything wrong with home but I did like having easy access to the library. I really liked learning. I really liked hanging out with the few people that were as weird as me. I really liked being exposed to different people and different ideas. I didn't feel like school was some kind of oppressive place. My siblings have an entirely different opinion of school but they are entirely different people than me. If the Internet was available when I was a kid, I would probably have a completely different attitude.

Mr. Clark's post is all about blaming parents but that doesn't bother me as much. I am really used to parent blaming because it seems that once you become a mom, everything becomes your fault. As somebody that has been in the classroom, I understand his point of view. I don't agree with it and I don't like it and I think it is a bit arrogant but that doesn't bother me because I understand that a lot of what he is saying is coming from years of experience. It is coming from a place of frustration. I have looked at some of the other things that he has said and done and I don't think that it is all that bad. It may not be great but he chose to opt out of the system and create his own school according to his own vision.

I found an article about his school called Ron Clark Academy. I think it is easy for him to write a post about what teachers want to tell parents because he is no longer in the trenches of the public school system. He gets posh speaking engagements and has all kinds of funds for his school. Tell me again how he can single-handedly try to speak for all teachers. The whole point is that he is trying to guilt parents for not being more involved but at the same time he is trying to guilt them for being too involved or involved in the wrong ways. What the hell? Is there any way to please some people? It bugs me that somebody that is no longer in the trenches is trying to speak on behalf of all teachers and is creating divisions where they don't need to be.

I am a home educator. I opted out of the public school system because I am in a position to offer my kids an alternative. That may not always be the case. There may be a day when I can no longer work from home and have to send my kids to school. There may be a day when everything changes and I no longer have the option of homeschooling. I see it happen all the time. I don't like the fact that, if my situation changes, I will be seen as selling out. I will be seen as somebody that is putting my kids in danger and harming them.

According to some, schools cause irreparable damage to kids. I am not going to say that schools are perfect and that they do not harm kids. They do harm kids but I think the harm that is done is more of a result of society's view of the child. A lot of the things that are done to children in school are done to them outside of school too. If you think taking your child out of school is going to be some kind of magic solution, you are not looking at the larger picture. It might make life for your child better, but it is not going to protect your child from the fact that children in our society have very few rights. They have lots of responsibilities but very few rights.

You cannot put schools under a microscope without looking at society at large. Schools typically reflect the things that the larger society values. Our society does not value children so why would we expect schools to value them? Our society does not value individuality so why would you expect schools to? Our society does not value learning for the sake of learning so why would you expect schools to? Our society values education for the sake of money and status. Our society values people that conform and do what they are told. Our society values status and appearances. Going to school or not going to school is not going to change any of that. Frankly, I think homeschooling and unschooling are becoming status symbols to flaunt around at others to show them just how great of a parent you are. I know that sounds critical and mean but it seems that a lot of home schoolers do not seem to realize that there are lots of people that cannot homeschool for one reason or another.

It is interesting to note that some of the people that are most vocal about schools being bad are those that make a living consulting with people about how to unschool or homeschool. To me, it seems like a duh factor. Oh, hello, you are railing against schools because you want people to be scared of them. You want people to take their kids out of school so they can pay you a consulting fee. You won't even talk to parents that cannot or will not pay you. That sounds kind of suspect to me. There are a few people in the unschooling community that have been given a bad rap. I respect the hell out of some of those people because they refuse to get on the anti-school bandwagon. They refuse to say that anyone and everyone can homeschool. They openly acknowledge that homeschooling requires a certain level of privilege. I respect that a hell of a lot more than I respect people that are operating outside of the system while telling people that cannot break free from it that there is something wrong with them. You know what is wrong with the people that can't break free from the system? Nothing! Some of them would gladly break free if they had the money. Some of them would gladly break free if they were in a position to do it.

As I read these homeschoolers railing against the system, I find myself thinking, "Wow, it must be really nice to have a guarantee that you will always be able to do what you are doing." I find myself wondering what those people will do if they end up being in a situation where they are no longer able to homeschool. It seems like those kids might face undue trauma because they have spent their entire lives hearing how terrible schools are. They have spent their whole lives being told that schools are oppressive and scary places. I don't know. I can't pretend to be able to predict the future. I guess I have had a lot of weird stuff happen that makes me realize that life is short and nothing should be taken for granted. I don't need people to make me feel guilty for trying to remain open minded. I don't need people to make me feel guilty for not aligning with them. I am odd that way. I very seldom align myself with any particular group or ideology because I do not want to run the risk of becoming close minded. I also do not want to shut myself off to diverse ideas.

So, now that I have done a bunch of rambling, I must close with the number one reason that I think unschoolers and homeschoolers need to be a little bit more careful about being inflammatory. The number one reason is that I do not think that they are doing themselves or anyone else in the homeschooling community any favors. A lot of people are already uncomfortable with the idea of home education. A lot of countries have outlawed home education. If people are not careful, they are going to piss off the wrong person and that person is going to have enough money to push legislation that will effectively squash my ability to home educate my kids. Maybe I think too much and see too many possibilities but I think it is better to build bridges. It is better to build allies. It is better to support those that do not have a lot of choices.

If you know a parent that wants to home educate, share resources with them and encourage them. If you know a parent that has a child in public school, find ways to support them. Parents need to stop trying to undermine each other to make themselves feel better about their own choices. Life is so much better when we help each other. No matter what educational choices a family makes, find ways to do little things to help that family, but don't sit around blaming them or making them feel guilty because their kids are not on the same educational path as yours. There is already enough blaming and guilt to go around. It's time to quit with the guilt already!

Ron Clark: My View Plus Others

2011-09-18T21:19:00.004-05:00

The recent article What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents by Ron Clark has created quite a storm online. Lots of bloggers are responding to this piece. I want to compile some of those responses and look at what they all seem to be missing. Everybody has a different opinion based on what their story is.

(Note: If you have written a response to Mr. Clark and would like it to appear in my compilation of links at the end of this post, please leave me a comment or contact me.)

In reading the original piece by Ron Clark and seeing all of the responses, one thing occurred to me. To me, it seems like parents and teachers are behaving as though they are going through some kind of divorce dispute. Both sides are essentially arguing about who should have the most control and the most say in the lives of kids. Even the most radical of unschoolers seem to be focusing on the fact that parents should have all of the say and all of the control. I feel like some unschoolers and homeschoolers are painting schools out to be such horrible places so they can scare their kids into not going. Heck, being with a controlling parent would be better than a demonic school. (Or would it?)

I am a home educator and I also have experience in the classroom. When I read home schoolers railing against Ron Clark and schools and teachers, it almost sounds as though they are doing it because they are afraid that their children might want to go to school for some reason. Every year, I give my kids the option of going to school. They have cousins that go to public school. They have aunts that teach in the public schools. For me, it is about giving my kids choices. I have no desire to demonize anybody or anything because I don't think that does much good. Maybe I am way off the mark but I think that demonizing schools and then keeping kids home to homeschool them is not giving them real choice. That is what I consider to be a pseudo-choice. I am sorry to say but there are lots of kids that would choose to go to school rather than stay home.

I think one of the things that a lot of people are missing is that lots of parents have to work. We no longer live in a society where one parent can stay home and take care of the kids. In most homes, both parents have to work. In most homes, parents are struggling to meet all of the demands that are placed on them. Work expects them to live and breathe their job. Schools expect them volunteer and play kiss ass. The land lord or mortgage company want their money. There is the upkeep and maintenance of vehicles. Oh, and lights and water and food costs money too. And, there is the expectation that parents are supposed to cook a hot meal every night. God forbid that an already overworked parent get too much fast food because that means the parent doesn't care. So, how the hell are parents supposed to coordinate all of this stuff while giving 100% to their kids. Sometimes, keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table takes precedence over homework and school.

I am not trying to excuse parents but rather bring some understanding to all of the issues involved. It is never as easy as people like to think. It is really easy to make sweeping statements and generalizations when you have no idea what goes on in a child's life at home. It is rather easy to get pissed at parents when they are trying to live up to a million different expectations from a million different directions. Teachers complain because parents don't advocate for their children and act like they care but then when a parent tries to advocate for his/her child, they are told to shut up and trust the teacher. In some of the articles and responses that I read to Clark's original pieces, several parents indicated that they are afraid of teachers. They are afraid to advocate for their children for fear of retribution from teachers. Parents feel like they are walking on eggshells when it comes to approaching teachers.

Now that I have stood up for parents, I am going to stand up for teachers. All teachers are not control freaks that want to hurt children. I am not about to sit and demonize schools and tell my kids and everybody else that schools are the equivalent of hell. I know a lot of people that have gotten a lot of good out of school. They have gotten some bad out of it too. I think one of the points that is being missed is that all choices have some good and some bad. There is no such thing as a perfect education. There is no such thing as the perfect school or the perfect teacher or the perfect kid or the perfect parent or the perfect homeschooler or, or, or. Well, you get the idea. Nobody is perfect.

I don't think a lot of parents realize how much crap teachers have to juggle. I know that when I was in the classroom, all lesson plans had to be submitted well in advance. In some cases, it was 2 weeks to a month ahead of time. There was very little time for creativity or variation. The schedules and lesson plans had to be followed pretty closely. Also, in a lot of schools, teachers do not get the support of administrators because administrators have their hands pretty full too. Teachers are in a classroom all day with your children. They do the best they can but unruly children disrupt the learning process and there is very little that teachers can do. Teachers pretty much have their hands tied. I know a lot of people that have left the teaching profession because they simply could not juggle all of the demands and still feel like there was time left to really care about the students.

Some teachers leave the public schools and find alternative places to teach. Some teachers are very passionate about what they do and they are there because they genuinely love kids and genuinely want to make a difference in the lives of kids. A lot of teachers have figured out how to work the system to give their students as much freedom as possible. I can remember quite a few really outstanding teachers that I had growing up. Yes, there are a lot of teachers that are on a power trip but I don't think you can paint them all with that broad of a stroke. It goes back to nobody is perfect and there are always bad apples.

One of the things that I have not seen mentioned in any of the responses is what the underlying attitude about children is. Some people agree with Mr. Clark because they think that children need to molded and forced and pushed into learning what the adults think they need to learn. They place a very high value on expertise and education. There are lots of parents that would actually side with Mr. Clark. They are very critical of other parents and are happy to give their power to teachers or anybody else that wants it. Does that make them bad people? Some people will do whatever it takes to make sure their children get the best marks and get into the best colleges and everything else. I think those that disagree with Mr. Clark have a completely different view of children and education.

Some people think that kids should have a say in things and want kids to be treated as equal. Some people are in favor of children's rights and do not like what Mr. Clark is saying because they feel that he is perpetuating the cycle of oppression against kids. Really, I think both sides are perpetuating the idea that kids need to be controlled and kept in their place. I have yet to see anybody mention the kids directly. What does each individual child want? Some kids do not want their parents involved in their education because the parent is overbearing, too pressuring, or something else. Some kids would love for their parents to be more involved but the parents are not available because of all of the things that I mentioned above.

Kids are pretty friggin' smart and they are really good at playing the system to get what they want. They are really good at playing the system to get their needs met. It is obvious that neither the parents nor the teachers are listening to what the kids are saying or making an honest assessment of children. I think some adults are too harsh and some are too lenient. Instead of taking a hard stance on either side, why can't we acknowledge that kids are human? Teachers are human. Parents are human. I don't think people set out to lie but it happens because they don't want to get in trouble or don't want any problems. This applies to the students, the teachers, the parents, and the administrators. Has everybody forgot about the whole CYA thing? Sorry, but a parent is just as apt to lie as a kid is as a teacher is as is every other human being.

The responses from both sides indicate that parents are afraid of teachers and teachers are afraid of parents. How the hell is that helping the kids? How the hell is that making life better for kids? You have two sides that supposedly care about kids and want to do what is the best for kids but neither side wants to actually talk to the other side. Neither side wants to step down off of the pedestal and acknowledge that the other side might actually have some legitimate complaints. I think both sides have legitimate complaints but nothing will ever be fixed because neither side is willing to take a step back and look at the larger picture. The bigger picture is that schools and school systems do not operate in a vacuum. There are other things that are going on in society that are making it difficult for parents and teachers. Why can't both sides lose a little bit of the arrogance and meet in the middle?

I am sorry but neither side gets a pass from me. Instead of parents telling teachers what they are doing wrong, parents need to look for ways that they can do better. Instead of teachers telling parents what they are doing wrong, teachers need to look for ways that they can do better. Whenever I get the urge to start complaining about what others are doing, I go step in front of the mirror because that is where I need to look first!

The following links are to other people's responses along with a short snippet to give you an idea of what the response is. I thought it would be good to compile the different opinions. Each writer that I have linked to below has valid points and valid ideas. Even if I don't agree with each and every opinion, it is worth considering them to get a broader perspective of the views involved.

Educational Blaming and Shaming over at Mocha Momma Has Something to Say with Kelly Wickham. I found this piece after originally posting this list. I think this is one of my favorites because she is real. She acknowledges that Clark has some valid points but his points are being lost in the arrogance, the blaming, and the shaming. She points out some things that I heard and experienced when I was in the classroom, which is teachers being very condescending to students and parents. I think the absolute best line from this post is, "But the voice that is missing from the conversation, once again, is students."

This is what creates gang wars by Lorna at Ourschools.ca. This is another piece that validates what Mr. Clark says but goes further to say that his opinion is what sells books. It is a good marketing strategy and it gets people riled up but it does nothing to shed light on how teachers and parents are actually working together to create positive change.

What Parents Really Want to Tell Teachers at the KCH Blog. I like this because it is written by a parent that has participated in PTA and supported schools. I think this pieces is one of the better pieces out there because it does not blame teachers but acknowledges the work that they do and expresses a sadness about not being able to help more.

What Caring Teachers Want to Tell Parents by Michelle Baldwin at Avenue4Learning. I have to say that this is another one of my favorites with regard to responses. I really like that she is an educator and parent and seems to understand that parents and teachers need to work together. I also like that she points out the arrogance that comes through in Ron Clark's article. The best analogy is how it takes the doctor and the patient to figure things out. The doctor alone isn't going to accomplish much even with all of that expertise.

Homeschooling Parent Responds to Disney's Teacher of the Year by Linda Dobson at the Parent at the Helm blog. This is another article that I like because it focuses on Mr. Clark and the message that he is putting out there. It takes apart his words and shows how disrespectful Mr. Clark is towards parents. I think my favorite part about this piece is the quote at the beginning. “Parents give up their rights when they drop the children off at public school.” ~Federal District Judge Melinda Harmon

What Parents Really Want to Tell Teachers: What You Do Hurts Our Children written by Laurie Couture. Posted at the blog of the Innovative Educator. Originally appeared on Laurie Couture's blog. This pieces exposes a lot of the problems in schools but it does it in a way that is inflammatory. I am not going to argue about whether or not schools do these things to kids but I will argue that blaming the teacher is not going to do an ounce of good. All it is going to do is piss people off!

What I Really Want to Tell Parents and Teachers written by Josh Stumpenhorst over at the Stump the Teacher Blog. I really like this post because it points out that the derisiveness created by Ron Clark and Laurie Couture are not solving anything. Both points of view are about blaming and making sweeping statements. Parents and teachers need to be working together rather than against each other. This was written by a parent and a teacher.

For the Love of Learning: My Response to Ron Clark written by Joe Bower at the For the Love of Learning blog. I like this one too because it is written by an actual teacher. I like the questions that he poses about how much say a teacher should have over what a child does when away from school. That is a huge question for me.

A Letter to Ron Clark: What Parents Really Want to Tell Teachers written by Doug Goldberg on the Special Education Advisor web site. I think of all the responses this one is my favorite. I like it because it provides alternate information without the blaming and shaming. It also shows another side of Ron Clark that is not shown in many other places. I hadn't heard of his Essential 55 rules until reading this post.

Responding to Ron Clark: What Teachers Really Want to Say to Parents by Whitney Hoffman on the Reading Whitney blog. This piece backs up what Mr. Clark is saying and gives parents some pointers on how to help out the teachers and their children. I am not sure that I agree with everything that she says but it is another view point that backs up the idea that parents need to step up.

Parents Take Issue With 'Advice' of Super Teacher Ron Clark by Christiel Gota posted on the Innovative Educator's blog. This isn't a bad piece but it speaks out against Mr. Clark. The one thing about this article is that it gives me pause because it is written by somebody that is unschooling. It is really easy to be critical of a system when you are in a position to pretend the system doesn't exist. I would say that the average family is not in a position to question things at that level. Most families are in a position where they have to send their kids to school.

What Teachers Really Want to tell Parents: CNN Article written by Nick James on Trying Teaching. This is from another teacher that agrees with Ron.

Teachers Vs. Parents: Round Two on CNN by Linda Petty. This is a synthesis of the various responses since the article stirred up such a storm of opinions.

Ripple: What it Means to Me

2011-09-15T03:09:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite songs is "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead. I have been thinking about it a lot because I feel like I am making tiny ripples wherever I go. I don't do it deliberately but it seems to happen anyway. I wanted to take a minute and share why the song touches a nerve with me.

Before writing this, I went and looked at the annotated page to get some background information. If you want to see the lyrics annotated, you can visit The Annotated Grateful Dead Lyrics page on Ripple. All of that was good but I feel like I should take the time to explain what it means to me and what I think of when I hear this song.

I think the easiest way to do it is to get the lyrics and explain it line by line. I don't always think of all of these things when I hear the song. What I think of varies based on my mood or where I am at or even the version of the song.

Ripple: Words by Robert Hunter; music by Jerry Garcia. ("Ripple" composed and written by Jerry Garcia and Robert Hunter. Reproduced by arrangement with Ice Nine Publishing Co., Inc. (ASCAP))

The first verse is:

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine

And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung

Would you hear my voice come through the music

Would you hold it near as it were your own?

This first verse always makes me think of my husband. I don't know why but it does. Perhaps it is because he plays the guitar and sings to me a lot. I especially love it when he plays this song on his acoustic guitar and sings it to me. I know it is cheesy and weird but sometimes I think his words do glow with the gold of sunshine. I can be really down and out and it seems like he knows just what to say to perk me up. His words are a ray of sunshine and I always hear his voice even when he isn't here. I hold his words very near and dear. Sometimes, he writes songs that capture the essence of how I feel. I don't know how he does it but he seems to channel me. It is odd and scary and weird all at the same time.

The second verse is:

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken

Perhaps they're better left unsung

I don't know, don't really care

Let there be songs to fill the air

I always have mixed thoughts and feelings about this one because it reminds of so many things. The "it's" can refer to so many things. As a parent, I see a lot of things that are handed down from one generation to the next. Some of them are good, but some of them are not so good. The "thoughts are broken" captures how I feel about trying to figure out where I stand on so many different things. So many things are handed down but are broken. The whole line captures how I feel so often. I get all deep and thoughtful and then catch myself and think that maybe I just shouldn't say anything at all. I wish I could leave things unsung/unspoken/unsaid but that does not seem to be my forte. I wish I had a nickel for every time that I tried to convince myself that I don't know and don't care. It never works but finding some music to listen to always helps. There is nothing like a song that touches the soul to make me feel better or help me through things.

Then there is the Chorus:

Ripple in still water

When there is no pebble tossed

Nor wind to blow

My thoughts on this are a bit disjointed but I think about all of the little things that I have done that have created ripples and have impacted lots of lives. Sometimes I don't feel like I contribute much because I spend all of my time with my girls and I work from home. Every now and then, I will have somebody tell me something and let me know that I am making a difference, even if it is small. I am like a little bitty pebble that makes small waves that nobody really notices. When I add up all of those little ripples, it ends up being something bigger than I could ever imagine. In order to keep making those little ripples, I have to keep tossing those little pebbles. It reminds me of a Mother Theresa Quote that I really like: "We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love."

The next verse is a very spiritual one:

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty

If your cup is full may it be again

Let it be known there is a fountain

That was not made by the hands of men

This can be interpreted on so many levels. On one level, it is reminding us to reach out to others when we need help. If you need something, reach out your hand. If you have everything you need, awesome, I hope it stays that way. Either way, there is a spiritual fountain where you can go to refill your cup. Even if you are an atheist, it is good to remember that our fellow man/woman is there. There is no need to go it alone.

I want to talk about some of the imagery that it conjures. The first thing that I think of is the suit of cups in the Tarot. The suit of cups is typically associated with the emotions, spirituality, and mysticism. The ace of cups is actually an outstretched hand holding what looks like a fountain or a cup overflowing with water. That one card captures the imagery of this verse. A cup is being extended and you are being invited to drink from it much like what happens during Holy Communion.

And then, there is the encouragement to pray. If your cup is empty, reach out and pray. Spend time in deep prayer and your cup will be filled but it will not be filled by earthly things. Your cup can only be filled through meditation and prayer.

The next verse is:

There is a road, no simple highway

Between the dawn and the dark of night

And if you go no one may follow

That path is for your steps alone

This verse reminds me that sometimes things get complicated. It isn't always as simple as hopping on the highway. Sometimes you encounter twists and turns and each day brings new things. Between the dawn and the dark of night is talking about the day when we work and do stuff. For me, it makes me think of getting out of bed. During the course of a day, things can be unexpected and it isn't always as simple as we would like them to be. The next two lines remind me that each of us have our own unique path and our own unique journeys. We may share to a certain degree but ultimately nobody can live inside our heads but us. Even though my husband and I live in the same house and a lot of shared ideas and goals, we are each on our own paths. I can't dictate his path and he can't dictate mine. My path is my own.

The final verse says so much:

You who choose to lead must follow

But if you fall you fall alone

If you should stand then who's to guide you?

If I knew the way I would take you home

The first line reminds me of something that I think about often. Sometimes leading requires following. I have never been good at explaining it but it is a big part of my parenting philosophy. In order to be the parent that I want to be, I have to lead but that leading must come from a place where I remain humble. That leadership must not be forced but rather earned by being somebody that people would want to follow. I wouldn't have thought of that but we were going somewhere and we were talking about different things. I asked my girls why they were always so good about listening to me and their response was something along the lines of "You are our leader mom." I thought that was a bit odd but they said that they wanted to follow me because I know stuff and I help them with stuff. It is almost impossible to explain.

Maybe I am a bit cynical on the second line because I often feel that people love me when everything is going great. The minute I need help or "fall" everybody disappears. It seems that falling seems to happen alone. But when you stand up from the fall, nobody is there to help. Nobody is there to guide you. I have been feeling that way a bit lately because I have moved away from certain ideas but am not sure which direction to take. I stood up against something but now I feel like I no longer have a guide. In talking to other people, I would love to be able to get them where they want to be or have them help me get to where I want to be even though I am still trying to figure that out.

I have been mulling over the idea of writing a post about creating ripples and planting seeds and doing small things but I had no idea where to go with it because all of the directions felt odd to me. Every time I thought about it, this song popped into my head. The line that stood out the most was "If there is no pebble tossed".

I don't want to change people and I don't want to piss people off. I simply want live my life and be me, which is something that I have struggled with because it seems that I am a bit weird/intense/needy/whatever. I have had people use various adjectives to describe me at different times. Ultimately, I don't care. Let me have my music and it all goes away! I am going to continue to toss tiny pebbles and create small ripples. This blog is one way for me to do that without venturing too far outside of my comfort zone.

The Importance of Play

2011-09-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

I have been reading David Elkind's "All Grown Up and No Place to Go". I have only read a chapter or two but one of the things that is mentioned is protecting childhood. That really struck a nerve with me and it has really got me thinking.

I don't even know where to begin with all of this because protecting childhood is the reason behind much of what I do.I had never heard it phrased quite like that but it is a nice way of summing up my motives. I want my children to be able to have a joyful childhood. Childhood is a time that is full of changes. The body is developing rapidly. The brain is developing rapidly. Kids are seeing and hearing new things all the time. All of that stuff has to be assimilated and dealt with cognitively and physically. I have been reading a lot of articles about the importance of play. It is interesting that as the opportunity for play decreases so does achievement and creativity.

I started out writing this about protecting childhood but as I read through various articles I decided to focus on play because I think that play is one of the key ingredients of childhood that is being left out. Really, I think society as a whole has become too serious and there is not enough playfulness. This ties into a lot of what I have been saying about kids being a part of society. People don't want kids to be a part of things because they cannot or will not tolerate play. I don't know why being playful has gotten such a bad rap these days.

One of the things that I found interesting is that schools are focusing less and less on play while workplaces are focusing more and more on play and creating playful work spaces. Here is a link to a blog that list 10 Seeeeeeeeriously Cool Workplaces (Not sure if I have the right amount of e's in there. You can follow the link and see for yourself.)

I am going to provide some links about the importance of play because I think everybody needs to be reminded that kids need to play. The work of childhood is to play. Here are some links:

Importance of play in childhood:

Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills from NPR

This article is a bit long winded but I think it brings up some good things to think about. Here is a paragraph of particular interest: "It turns out that all that time spent playing make-believe actually helped children develop a critical cognitive skill called executive function. Executive function has a number of different elements, but a central one is the ability to self-regulate. Kids with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and exert self-control and discipline."

Can We Play? from Greater Good, a publication of the University of California, Berkley
The article begins with this quote: "Play is rapidly disappearing from our homes, our schools, and our neighborhoods. Over the last two decades alone, children have lost eight hours of free, unstructured, and spontaneous play a week." Another interesting point in the article is, "In Scandinavian countries, there are play areas in even the best restaurants, as well as in airports and train stations. These countries appreciate the importance of play for healthy development, and we could well follow their example."

The Role of Pretend Play in Children's Cognitive Development from the peer-reviewed journal Early Childhood Research & Practice
Since this is a scholarly article, it may be a bit more difficult to wade through. This article confirms the need for more play! It says, "There is a growing body of evidence supporting the many connections between cognitive competence and high-quality pretend play."

Importance of play in adulthood:
The Power of Play from Psychology Today
This is a rather lengthy article but it gives a lot of food for thought about the importance of play in adulthood.

The Power of Play in the Workplace from Katie Piatt's Blot
This blog post talks about the article "The Power of Play: Fostering Creativity and Innovation in Libraries". If you follow the link in the blog, you can read the entire article. Since it is about libraries, I couldn't resist including it. :-)

Here is a list of resources about the Power of Play from the website of Community of Playthings: Power of Play Articles (Includes articles, books, and websites.) I don't like that it is a commercial website but I think the links are worth checking out.

Back to protecting childhood. I think that in order to protect childhood, people need to protect unstructured play!

Decision Making

2011-09-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot and I have been participating in some interesting discussions about the future of education. One of the things that does not seem to get enough emphasis is decision making abilities. I want to take some time to explore the decision making process.

Everything we do is based on making decisions. When we wake up in the morning, we make the decision to get out of bed (or not). That is pretty simple. Sometimes, I wake up and see if any of the kids are awake. If they are awake, then my decision of what to do is pretty easy. I get up and feed the kids. If they are not awake, then I can go back to bed or use that time to get some work done. I make all of those decisions in an instant. Even though it seems like those small decisions do not involve much thought, they do. We are constantly assessing the world around us and making decisions based on those observations.

I think being able to make lots of small decisions is what prepares us for making the big decisions. If people feel like they do not have choices, then they will lose the ability to make decisions. Think about the people that wake up in the morning and don't want to get out of bed but do it anyway because they have to go to work and they have to make money and they have to pay the bills. Where is the choice in that? Lots of people wake up feeling that way. They become so used to not having choices that when a choice is presented they don't know what to do about it. They are overwhelmed and start looking to others to tell them what to do.

I understand the thinking behind having to get out of bed and go to work. There are days when I feel like I have to get out of bed because the kids need me. The truth is that I don't have to do anything. When I get out of bed to take care of my kids, I see it as a choice that I make. I could choose not to get out of bed but then my kids would not get fed and somebody might get hurt. I do not like those options so I choose to get out of bed. Even though I have rejected those other options, they are still options. People could choose not to get out of bed and stay home from work and lose pay or even the job. Most people would reject choosing to make decisions that would lead them to lose their job so they do not even consider the alternatives as a choice.

Where am I going with all of this? I am not sure just yet but I think it is important to set out that we are all capable of making decisions. The problem as I see it is that too many people have been told that they do not have the ability to make decisions. In schools, a lot of basic decisions are removed. Students are not allowed to go to the bathroom without getting approval from a teacher. Students are not allowed to eat when they are hungry but are forced to eat according the school's schedule. Students are not allowed to make choices with regard to their own learning. If a student makes a choice that is not in line with what the adults think they should be doing, the student is usually punished or must face some kind of consequence.

A child's ability to make decisions is taken from them under the guise that children cannot make decisions because they do not have enough information to make decisions. What this is doing is creating a society of people that do not know how to make decisions. I have begun reading David Elkind's "All Grown Up With Nowhere to Go" and a lot of what he is saying is really making a lot of sense to me. One of the things that he mentions is that kids need more pressure free time. That is time where they do not feel pressured to do something. Kids may have free time but that free time is usually pressure filled. Hurry up and finish your game so you can move on to the next thing. Hurry up and wait for your next set of instructions.

When making decisions in that kind of a pressure cooker, decision making becomes difficult if not impossible. I think that is precisely why so many people look to the experts for information. I think that is precisely why people want the experts to tell them what to do and how to think. If they make a decision based on the advice of an expert, then they don't have to worry about whether or not the decision is right or wrong. They can abdicate responsibility and blame the expert for the failings.

I would like to see more of an emphasis on giving kids the opportunity to make decisions. In a conversation that I was having online, somebody was talking about preparing kids for the future. I have a problem with the idea of trying to prepare for a future that we cannot predict. The person was providing a lot of doom and gloom so I took it a step further and asked what would happen if something like the infrastructure for electricity collapsed and made it impossible to access all of this wonderful technology. The response was to teach kids how find alternate sources of electricity. That completely misses the point.

The point is that we cannot predict the future so we had better prepare kids to be able to make decisions for themselves. We had better encourage kids to make small decisions and get some practice identifying the pro's and con's of any particular situation. We had better get busy making sure that kids know that they are the future. Not only are they the future, but they are valuable right now at this very moment. I think the thing that will be most beneficial to kids is to help them make decisions. Helping them make decisions is not the same as letting them do whatever they want. It is being there beside them to help them identify the possible issues involved with any particular decision. As I think about this, here is a quick list of questions to think about when making decisions:

Who are the players involved? Is this decision something that is going to impact me or will it potentially impact others?
What are the issues involved?
How soon do I have to make a decision?
What are the potential consequences of each of the choices available to me?
Do I have enough information to make this decision?
What is my gut telling me?

I think one of the aspects of decision making that is often left out is intuition. Kids are often told to ignore their own intuition. It starts at a young age when kids are afraid of strangers. It is weird because when kids are just babies they are passed around and strangers talk to them and they are sent off to school or babysitters. If a kid is upset on the first day of school, it is dismissed. Kids eventually learn to ignore their sixth sense about others. I have always joked that I can tell whether or not a person is "good" based on my kids' reaction to them.

When kids reach adulthood, they are suddenly supposed to be able to make decisions and follow intuition. Changing a person's mindset is not something that happens overnight. It takes time to go from having all of your decisions made for you to suddenly being in charge of all of the decisions about your life. That can be rather scary and make for a really rough transition into adulthood. I know a lot of adults that are still reliant on experts as well as others to tell them what to do. I am not passing judgment because I realize that it is a result of the way people are treated as children. I realize that I have struggled with a lot of these things. I have struggled with making decisions and ignoring my own intuition.

Decision making is not always easy and there are a lot of confounding variables that make it difficult. Part of being able to make a decision is being confident enough to own the results of your decisions.

I'm Not An Expert

2011-09-08T19:28:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote a guest post for somebody else's blog. In the note, she listed me as an expert in something or another. I don't like being called an expert and here's why. . .
According to Dictionary.com, expert is defined as: "a person who has special skill or knowledge in some particular field; specialist; authority".

First, I do not consider my knowledge or skills special. Anybody that wanted to take the time to do lots of reading and research could have the exact same knowledge and skill that I do. I don't mind sharing my insights with others but my insights do not make me an expert nor do they make me special. They make me different, which can be both good and bad depending on who you ask.

I certainly don't consider myself a specialist either. I actually consider myself a jack of all trades but a master of none. When I want to know something, I ask others or I go do some research. Right now, one might consider me a specialist in home education because that is what I live and breathe on a daily basis. I take issue with that because what I do may not work for others. The only thing that I consider myself a specialist in is my family. I know how things work at my house and I have ideas how that might work for others but it is up to you to take any of my insights and make your own decisions about whether or not they will work for you and your family.

Last but not least, the word authority conjures up all kinds of things in my mind, the least of which is somebody that is freely sharing insights. When I hear the word authority, I think of power and control. I do not want to control anyone and I do not want any kind of power. I simply want to share ideas. I want people to think for themselves and come up with their own ideas.

The other reason that I don't like the word expert is that when people talk to an expert or read something written by an expert, they sometimes substitute the experts judgment for their own. I don't want anybody to read what I say and stop there. I want people to verify what I am saying for themselves. I want them to do their own research and their own thinking. I want what I say to be a starting point for others to develop their own ideas and make their own decisions. I think one of the biggest problems with society is that people are trained to listen to experts without questioning them. I want to be questioned!

When you consider yourself an expert, people start putting expectations on you. Most people want to hold the title of expert so they can get some kind of personal gain out of it. Most of the time, that gain is monetary. If you add expert to your title, then you can start charging people for your advice. I don't want to be an expert because I have no intention of charging people for my ideas. If I find myself in a position where I have to do that, I may rethink it. For now, I am content to be an ordinary person sharing ordinary ideas.

If anybody wants to talk to me or get my insights, they can e-mail me for free and I will be glad to share my insights. Just don't expect me to make your decisions for you and don't expect me to agree with you! Oh, and don't forget that I am NOT an expert. :-)

You can contact me through the e-mail link on my profile page.

No, I Haven't Lost My Mind

2011-09-07T02:17:00.000-05:00

I have quite a few followers that are interested in unschooling and our unschooling journey. I realize that I have been posting a lot about education and teaching, which is the antithesis to unschooling. I want to take the time to explain to my readers why I am doing this.

I am pretty sure that everyone knows how much I love kids. Here lately, I have seen a lot of dissension in various groups. I have seen instances where there seems to be an all or nothing attitude. In some circles, unschoolers are not even supposed to use the words education or teacher. That is fine for discussion in unschooling circles but that is not fine for discussions with larger audiences.

I have been thinking about all this and reflecting on it. I know some people have the attitude that schools are evil places that kill creativity, blah, blah, blah. I am pretty sure that many of you have heard the anti-school rhetoric. For me, it boils down to choice. I know lots of kids that have chosen to go to school even though they had the opportunity to be homeschooled. If that's what the kid wants to do, I have no problem with it.

I think my personal goals have shifted a bit. At one point, I was a bit discouraged because I didn't think that I could change anything. Schools will never change and it is all hopeless. I don't remember how or when it happened but at some point I realized that I would be happier planting seeds. I don't expect people to embrace unschooling or democratic schools or other non-coercive methods of instruction. However, I can give them just enough information to make them think. I can plant small seeds that may eventually grow into something big. I have never been very good at doing big things. I have always been more of a behind the scenes type person.

In order to plant seeds, I am trying to build bridges between unschooling and the larger education community. I have seen unschooling families interviewed on TV programs and none of the programs portray a complimentary view of those families. Me, I am happy to be considered a life long learner and I like to tell people that we live a lifestyle of learning. I don't want people to get hung up on terms and forget the fact that all of this is for the children. I think too many people have lost their way and have embraced theories and principles rather than embracing the children.

How Andragogy Might Look in the Classroom

2011-09-07T01:52:00.001-05:00

My post on andragogy has been shared across the web by a fellow blogger. One comment stated:
"I view learner focused (andragogy) as being akin to coaching, and you definitely have to tailor to the individual. But, frankly, life is never just about the individual, so you need to think standards and mass delivery systems."

I would like to address that comment in this post.

First, coaching isn't a bad thing. Why can't coaching involve standards and mass delivery systems? When I read the comment, the first thing that popped into my mind was sports teams. How are sports teams coached? There is typically a coach that teaches people how to play the game. The rules of the game are not completely discarded to accommodate the individual. The coach identifies the strengths and weakness of each player and tries to create a game plan that exploits the strengths and diminishes the weaknesses. Yes, there is a lot of individualized instruction but there is also a lot of focus on how to work together as a team. If it was not possible to coach lots of people at the same time, then how do little league coaches do it?

I was curious so I went and looked up how many players there are on a professional football team. I think it is something like 50. If coaching is all about the individual, then how did great coaches like Vince Lombardi manage to do anything. I cam across this Vince Lombardi quote in the process: “They call it coaching but it is teaching. You do not just tell them…you show them the reasons.” For me, this sums up nicely the difference between andragogy and pedagogy. You don't just tell student stuff, you the show them the reasons behind it. If you want them to learn math, give them reasons for doing it. Don't just show them how to do it. Give them a reason for doing it that does not involve grades and achievement.

I think it is completely possible to focus on andragogy in mass delivery systems. All it would take is a few additions to the current lesson plan. I am going to try to brainstorm what I think a lesson plan would look like if it were based on andragogy rather than pedagogy. Most lesson plans typically have 8 parts.

The first part is the header with information such as the teachers name, grade level, topic, and time allotment. That is pretty standard information.

The second part is materials needed. That is pretty simple. It is good to have the necessary resources available before teaching a lesson. However, if you wanted focus more on the students, you could have an open ended component where students select their own materials. Instead of using the fancy math manipulatives, make an allowance for them to use manipulatives that are ordinary items such as pencils or crayons.

The next section is the objective section. I have added an element in italics to demonstrate how the current elements could be added to in order to take the learner into account.

Which standards the lesson meets
How this lesson will help the child outside of the academic environment
Long-term objectives (How this fits into the larger lesson.)
Short-term (lesson) objectives: Specific outcomes that are usually phrased as "the student will be able to"

I propose an extra element to these objectives. If the intent of schools is to prepare kids for life or adulthood, then I think kids should be told how these skills are going to help them outside of the classroom and in the real world. It would be rather simple to add an element that requires the teacher to identify how a specific objective will help a child in life right now or even later in life.

The next section is procedures, which spells out how the teacher plans to go about delivering the lesson. In the procedure section, most places recommend that teachers start out with an attention getter to introduce the lesson. What better attention getter than to tell students how this knowledge is going to help them be a part of the world. No, people don't want kids to think outside of the classroom. Another tidbit is that the attention getter should activate prior knowledge. What if the kid does not have prior knowledge because he has forgotten it?

The procedures section typically involves spelling out how the goals of the lesson will be reached, what the student will do to meet the objectives set out by the teachers, and what the students are expected to do. That is all fine but I think that perhaps the procedures should be more open ended. Or, at the very least, students should be given more time. I am thinking about how things work in a college classroom. I have worked with college professors that teach face to face courses. They have notes and they make sure that they have all of the supplies necessary for any particular class but they are not required to write up what they are going to do every single day. They create a syllabus at the beginning of the semester that contains the learning outcomes, assignments, and expectations for the semester. I realize that it might not be realistic to expect a 6 year old to follow a syllabus but I do think it would be a good idea if things weren't broken down into such small chunks.

Really, I think a monthly syllabus or even a weekly syllabus would be a good idea. It would give parents the chance to work ahead with their children. I think it would also give the teachers more flexibility. Right now, teachers typically break the day up into subjects. I haven't been in an elementary classroom in a while but I am thinking that the chunks of time for a lesson are usually about an hour. If the subject is boring, then an hour seems like forever. If the lessons or activities are fun, then an hour isn't near long enough.

A lot of high schools have gone to block scheduling to give students more time in a class. That means that they do not have every subject every day. Why can't that be done in elementary schools? Why can't teachers spend half the day doing nothing but math or English or Social Studies? I bet that would give teachers a lot more options for making lessons come alive. It would also give more opportunity for teachers to coach and work one on one with individual students. In the period of an hour, it is very difficult to get around to each student and give each student help.

One of the things that I have noticed with my girls is that they learn best when they are given the opportunity to completely immerse themselves in a topic. Schools do not allow for that level of immersion. As soon as a kid gets involved in an activity, it is time to put it up. Rethinking the class day so that each day is devoted to a topic would make more sense. It would allow for more continuity. If a teacher wants to spend a week doing an art project, put it all in one day so that a child has more time to follow his/her muse.

I seem to have wandered off on a bit of a tangent but it is all very related as the next section in a lesson plan usually spells out the types of independent work that a student is expected to do. Ideally, the independent work should reinforce the lesson, build upon it, and create background knowledge for the next lesson. If all of this were done in larger chunks of time (day, half day, several hours), there would be more time for kids to explore and the lessons could be intertwined so there would not need to be as much instruction time. When I was in the classroom, I found that the hour long lesson was a problem because it made it difficult for me to plan lessons. There were lots of things that would have been cool to do but it would have been very difficult to spread them out over the week. The other problem was that kids would sometimes forget what they learned from one day to the next because they were never really allowed to fully immerse themselves in the topic.

My argument for more time for lessons is that I think the little 45 minute and 1 hour lessons do not prepare kids for the real world. (There, I said it. I am tired of people saying that to me with regard to homeschooling.) In the real world at real jobs, people are expected to work on the same activity or subject for hours at a time. I know that when I am working on my online course, I will sometimes work on it for 3 or 4 hours at a time. School didn't prepare me for that. Heck, I think schools gave me a short attention span because of spending years in classes that would only allow short periods of time for classes. The fun classes went by too fast and the slow classes took forever. I suspect that having longer class times wouldn't change that.

And then, of course, is the dreaded assessment. Why does every single lesson have to have an assessment component? When you break learning down into such tiny bits, it can sometimes be difficult to determine whether or not somebody actually learned something. In a lot of cases, I think assessment is merely assessing a child's ability to follow directions.

Depending on where you look, some will list reflection as part of the lesson plan. The way it is worded is that it is the teacher's opportunity to decide whether or not the lesson was effective. All it would take for the focus to move from pedagogy to andragogy would be to ask for student feedback, which leads me to my last and final point.

My final point is that methods of mass instruction do not require standardized testing. Rating a teacher based on the students test scores is the most outrageous thing that I can imagine. First, how a student scores on a test does not indicate how much they have learned nor does it indicate whether or not the teacher is a good teacher. In all honesty, I don't think that I will be happy until student evaluations are introduced into K-12 classrooms. All the test scores in the world and all the observations by administrators are not going to make an ounce of difference. In my opinion, what matters is how students react to the teacher.

Kids can be given a voice in the classroom without eliminating standards and without removing mass instruction. Mass instruction can be tweaked to address how students actually learn rather than how people wish they would learn. Pretty much all of the articles that I have read about child development have said that kids learn best when playing and having fun. I think it would be really easy to build that into mass instruction. It could all be done with a mind to the standards. Maybe I am crazy but it seems like there is too much of an either/or dichotomy here.

Blank Slates and Teachers

2011-09-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

I received the following comment on my post about Self Concept and wanted to address some points that were made. Hopefully, I will be able to hash out some of my thoughts in a coherent fashion.
Here is the text of the comment:

I think you are on to something here. In my opinion (based in large part of the thought of Aristotle), human beings start out as a blank slate: knowing nothing, but capable of knowing more (potential). Learning is the process of actualizing something that is potential in the learner. Good teachers assist this actualization, but the process still occurs within the learner. A teacher cannot force a student to learn anything. No matter what model you are using, the acquisition of knowlege/skils (i.e. learning) still takes place within the learner, the teacher is, or ought to be, only a catalyst that helps the process along. Examine, for a moment, the Socratic method. The teacher uses a series of pointed questions to help the student reach a conclusion (learn something). The teacher does not use direct coercion, but rather asks questions to help students draw their own conclusion. Ideally, all teachers should strive to act as a catalyst for learning rather than a talking head who spews words hoping some of them stick in the heads of their students. Ideally, the goal was for students to learn how to ask their own questions and learn things on their own.

The first thing that I want to address is the idea that we are all born as blank slates. I really question that. The reason that I question it is because babies are born crying. We don't need to teach them how to cry. If babies are born as blank slates, then why does an infant latch on to its mother's breast within moments of birth? If babies are blank slates, then how are they able to distinguish between their mother's voice and a stranger's voice?

If the idea of being a blank slate were true, then a baby would be born knowing absolutely nothing. Perhaps one could argue that suckling and crying are instincts. That still doesn't address how a baby seems to know the difference between a mom's voice and a stranger's voice. How does a baby learn to walk or talk or coo or any of the other things that babies do? Does walking require a teacher? What is the catalyst for a baby learning to walk? I think the catalyst is the fact that the baby sees people walking and recognizes it as a useful activity. There is no need for a teacher.

I went and looked up the definition for catalyst at Dictionary.com and it says:
"a person or thing that precipitates an event or change"

That definition led me to look up the word precipitates. According to Dictionary.com, it says that precipitate means:
"to hasten the occurrence of; bring about prematurely,hastily, or suddenly"

That has me thinking that a thing is just as likely to be a catalyst as a teacher. I know that this is nitpicking but I have a real problem with the emphasis that is put on teachers. I love teachers and think that they are awesome. However, I think that some people think that people could not learn without teachers. The other question I have is whether or not change is always evident. Sometimes change is so imperceptible that it is almost impossible to notice. I am thinking of how my girls learned to read. It was such a gradual process that I can't pin point exactly when it happened.

That brings me to precipitate. The very definition is to hasten or bring about prematurely. Why does learning need to be rushed or hastened? Kids aren't really allowed to do much in society so why would you rush them to learn skills that they may not be able to use until adulthood. Teachers give kids tests to pinpoint when learning happened. Teachers give tests and do assessments to verify that they have indeed brought about a change in the learner. The thing that I think is largely missed is the fact that most of the change is temporary. I have seen too many instances where people were taught things in K-12 only to get to college and still not be able to do those things.

Just the other day, I was helping a community college student with his homework. He was laughing about how he remembered doing the stuff in high school but couldn't remember how to do or even why it was necessary other than to fulfill degree requirements. I think the most interesting part of all this is that this person has worked successfully in the automotive industry for years and wants to go back to college to expand his horizons. I can't tell you the number of stories I have heard about high school students that do not place into college level math and English. In some cases, these were pretty good high school students that made good grades. If teachers are so effective, then why are there students that graduate high school without the ability to do basic stuff?

Again, this isn't a knock on teachers as much as it is the system as a whole. Instead of looking at each child as an individual, people are looking at kids as blank slates that need to be filled without regard to whether or not a child is actually prepared to learn those things. I am of the opinion that, if you force a child to learn something before they are developmentally ready, then you run the risk of slowing down growth. If you continually try to push a child (be a catalyst) when the child does not have the developmental capabilities to do it, you are going to cause lots of frustration and you are going to cause the child to lose confidence in himself.

I can imagine the responses that I am going to get about the above statement. I would like to offer an analogy. Somebody could try to force me to play a classical piece on the piano. They could try to teach me all of the different parts of music (like we do to kids with phonics) or they could play me music over and over and over again (like whole language) and I would not get it. For some reason, I am not able to pick up those sorts of things. I watched my oldest study and practice piano and she made it look so easy. It was kind of frustrating for me because I would love nothing more than to be able to play an instrument. Maybe my brain will suddenly start working one day and I will be able to do something musically. Or, maybe not. Either way, it would suck if somebody continually made me feel abnormal or weird or stupid because I could not learn what was being taught. In those cases, is it the teacher's fault or is it the teacher's fault? Better yet, why does it matter? Why does it have to be somebody's fault? Why can't we simply accept that each and every person has different skills and abilities.

Lost in the Cloud

2011-09-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you are lost in the cloud? Yes, I mean cloud, not crowd.

I bet you are wondering what the heck I mean by being lost in the cloud. The other day I was participating in a discussion and was misunderstood a bit. I have that problem a lot because I can agree and disagree all at the same time. When somebody says something to me or presents me with a new idea, I will often times have a bunch of simultaneous ideas. I can see a bunch of different possibilities all at once. If one were to try to conceptualize it, it would be like a visual thesaurus, a computing cloud, or a mind map. One idea will invoke a bunch of separate but related ideas. Sometimes, it feels like the original idea is the needle in a haystack.

The problem arises when I try to communicate those ideas into a linear fashion. The written word and the spoken word are all linear. There is a set way to speak and write. One word must follow another to form a coherent thought. I am really good at creating lists because a list is grabbing each random thought and putting it down on paper. As long as nobody tries to interpret the order of the list as me prioritizing things, I am good.

That is all great and wonderful but I have come to realize that I do my best work when I am not doing things in a linear fashion. My mind jumps around a lot. I can be doing one thing only to have it spark an idea about something that is completely unrelated. It is weird because I try to participate in discussions but there are a lot of times when I am misunderstood because I cannot seem to get non-linear ideas into a short and concise linear form. I usually end up doing a search and finding a resource that says what I want to say and simply share that. When people encourage me to share my ideas to a wider audience, I get a little nervous because I know that I am not always good at being clear and concise. Or, if I am clear and concise, it is mistaken for me being a jerk. I have not yet figured out how to find a balance.

It is weird because I did really well in school. I respond well to linear instructions and I am good at doing what I am told as long as I do not have to tap into anything that relies on creativity or imagination. If you ask me to try to be creative AND linear, then I am pretty much screwed. I think that is part of the reason that I have taken to the web so well. I know that I love reading books but it takes a lot longer to follow the tangents that are invoked while reading a book. If I am reading a book, I have to get up to look up a word. If I am reading a physical book, I have to make notes about things that I want to dig into on a deeper level. On the web, if I see something that I want to dig deeper into, I can open another window and have multiple searches and multiple thoughts occurring all at the same time. It is amazing and frustrating all at the same time.

I literally feel like I am lost in my own little thought cloud.

Self Concept

2011-09-01T01:11:00.001-05:00

The other day, I wrote a post about andragogy and how to apply adult learning theories to children. Somebody left the following comment:

"I think the the other problem I foresee is adults believing that they learned "self-concept" because they went to school--same with "learner's experience"--I can hear the arguments now: "this is fine for adults who have a solid educational foundation, but children need to have that foundation built for them (by teachers and schools) before they are developed enough to go it "alone""

I wanted to take a second and explore some of this. I have had a response floating around in my head and wanted to see if I could make some sense of it by writing it out.

I want to take a second and mention self concept. After a little bit of reading, I became confused about the idea that self concept is learned as a result of school. The way a person is treated in school definitely impacts ones self concept but one source that I read says, "awareness of the existential self begins as young as two to three months old and arises in part due to the relation the child has with the world. For example, the child smiles and someone smiles back, or the child touches a mobile and sees it move." If you want a person to develop a positive self concept, then you surround them with positiveness. If you want a child to develop into a capable young adult, then you treat them as though they are capable. That seems pretty simple and self-explanatory to me but maybe I am missing something as usual.

It seems odd to treat children as anything but capable. If a person spends a life time hearing negative remarks about how they learn, the choices they make, or other aspects of h**self, then he/she is going to develop a negative self concept. That same person will grow into adulthood with a negative self concept and will then be expected to suddenly demonstrate independence and self reliance. How does that work? How does a person grow into a capable adult if they are not treated as though they are capable from day 1?

Pedagogy operates from a place where the learner needs to be led. The assumption seems to be that without the teacher, the learner would have no clue where to go or what to do. The teacher is seen as necessary for learning. Andragogy is operating from a place where students are seen as capable seekers of information. The focus is on the learner rather than the teacher. Andragogy looks at learners as being able to decide what they need to learn and then learn it with or without a teacher.

That leads me to the next point. A lot of people say that kids are not capable of seeking information because they do not know what they need to know. Whenever I hear statements like this, I think of how my kids learned to smile and laugh and walk and talk. They didn't need somebody to teach them. My kids learned all those things because they were immersed in family life. They saw people around them laugh and smile so they mimicked it. They saw people walking. They made connections and realized that if they could walk, they could get to their toys easier. My youngest daughter walked earlier than any of her sisters. I remember her going from a sit to a stand with no support. She wanted to walk sooo bad but couldn't. Over time, her muscles developed and she made all of the connections and began walking. I didn't have to tell her that she had to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't have to tell her how her legs worked. Those things were instinctual.

I think a baby learning to walk is a good analogy to use here. I remember all of my girls transitioning from crawling to walking. I would give them lots of opportunities to try to walk. I would encourage them. I would bend over and hold their hands so they could try to walk. I would buy push toys that they could lean against to help them build muscles and get practice. There was no time frame. There was no test. I knew they knew how to walk by watching them do it. I wonder what would happen if babies were not allowed to go from crawling to walking without passing a standardized test. That sounds like a silly question but that is pretty much what schools have done. They have taken something that is perfectly natural and have distorted it and turned it into something that erodes a person's self concept.

The second portion of the quote left on my blog talks about how a student can be left to go it alone. This seems like a very common misconception. If somebody is not leading a child or telling a child what to do, the perception is that the child is left to go it alone. There is another option. The other option is to be a child's partner. In my opinion, it is more of a situation where there isn't a leader or a follower. Instead everybody is a contributor. Each person contributes to the learning process while the learner retains ownership of the learning. I think the fundamental difference between pedagogy and andragogy is where the responsibility for learning rests. In pedagogy, the responsibility for making somebody learn is placed on the teacher. In andragogy, the responsibility is placed on the learner.

I seem to have gotten a bit off track. In Malcolm Knowles discussion of andragogy, I have seen self concept interpreted in several different ways. I am going to list a few:

Self-concept: As a person matures his self concept moves from one of being a dependent personality toward one of being a self-directed human being (from Smith, M. K. (2002) 'Malcolm Knowles, informal adult education, self-direction and andragogy', the encyclopedia of informal education)
Knowles, Holton, and Swanson emphasize that “adults resent and resist situations in which they feel others are imposing their wills on them.” (1998, 65) In spite of their need for autonomy, previous schooling has made them dependent learners. It is the job of the adult educator to move adult students away from their old habits and into new patterns of learning where they become self-directed, taking responsibility for their own learning and the direction it takes. (from Andragogy and Technology: Integrating Adult Learning Theory As We Teach With Technology by Dolores Fidishun, Ed.D)
Learner self-concept —adults need to be responsible for their own decisions and to be treated as capable of self-direction (from Atherton J S (2011)Knowles' andragogy: an angle on adult learning)

As you can see, there few different ways to interpret what Knowles meant. I think the quote about schools making people dependent learners is rather interesting. I also think that the idea that people do not like it when other people impose their wills on them is not unique to adults. I have always hated being told what to do. My thinking is that if we start out from a place that assumes children are capable then there would be no need to relearn anything. People would start out as independent learners. People would be made responsible for their own learning. I suspect it would be a gradual process like what occurs when a child is learning to walk. Somebody is there to catch them if they fall and provide assistance but there is no assumption that a child must learn a bunch of other skills in order to walk.

My head is hurting now because it seems that I have gone in several different directions. Hopefully, people reading this will see why kids can and should be treated as though they are capable of learning. Hopefully, people will see that kids need to be included in the decision making processes with regard to learning so that they will not only feel responsible for their own learning but will also own that learning.

Meeting the Needs of 21st Century Learners

2011-08-31T10:46:00.001-05:00

I have been involved in a lot of discussions about education lately. I have been trying to figure out how it all ties together because the conversations have occurred in a variety of settings. Part of them have occurred within home education circles, specifically those geared towards unschooling. Another part of them have occurred withing settings that are geared more towards traditional educational settings. One of the things that I have noticed is that there is very little cross pollination.

I don't expect educators that operate in the realm of public school to fully embrace home education nor do I expect home educators to fully embrace the option of public schooling. However, it seems that we could stand to at least open up some kind of dialogue so that we can learn from each other. I have been trying to figure out how to bridge these gaps while still staying true to my quest to live a lifestyle of learning.

One of the things that I have noticed is that rather than embracing differences and learning from them, differences are being dismissed or are being described in negative terms. Rather than trying to discount each other, let's embrace each other. I am not sure where I am going with all of this because it is a relatively new direction for me. I have had a lot of people encouraging me to share my ideas about learning and education to a wider audience. I resisted for a while because I figured that there were already people out there that were having these discussions. What I have come to realize is that there is very little discussion between home educators and public educators and the discussion that does occur tends to be rather adversarial.

When home educators question public educators, it is seen as a personal attack. When public educators question home educators, it is seen as an attack. Instead of taking these questions as attacks, I wonder what would happen if we took these questions as a sincere attempt to understand the other side. What would happen if we engaged in open dialogue for the sake of the children? It seems like the adults are talking about education and learning as if the children don't exist.

What I would like to begin to explore is how to meet the needs of ALL learners without regard to age or location or anything else. In order to do that, it seems like one would need to first explore how learning has changed over the years. At one time, education was reserved for the elites that could afford it. I have read several different histories that give conflicting accounts of public education. On one side, there are people that say that public schools were created with the intent to make everything uniform or standardized. Everybody gets the same education. Then, there are people that claim that compulsory education was created to make sure that we have an educated citizenry because the only way a true democracy works is for there to be an educated citizenry. I don't have the time to provide sources but I would urge you to go do some research to see where you stand on the issue.

No matter how public education came into being or how it has evolved, it should be pretty obvious that it does not work for everybody. Sure, there are lots of success stories about students that were pulled out of poverty and given opportunities because of schools. There are also a lot of said stories about students that have been failed by the system and have been scarred for life. So, is it all good or is it all bad? I don't think there is a right answer to that but I can tell you that lots of people have answered this question and have decided that public education is all bad and that it should be completely eradicated. I have to admit that there is a certain appeal to throwing it out the window but the realist in me knows that will not happen anytime soon.

So, what do we do in the mean time? I think that we should move towards looking that how to meet the needs of 21st century learners. I feel like learning in the 21st century is very different from learning that occurred in the past. Once upon a time, people didn't have the access to information that is currently available. I know that when I was growing up learning resources were pretty much limited by geographic location. I was limited by what schools had to offer and I was limited by what my parents had to offer. My parents had lots of books and exposed us to lots of ideas but it was still limited. The schools tried to offer a glimpse of diversity but that diversity was still limited. Libraries are great but they are still a limited resource because they do not contain access to every single idea or every single piece of information available. Even when you add up the access provided by schools and parents and libraries, there was still a finite amount of information available.

Fast forward to today. The amount of ideas and information that are available with the click of a mouse button are seemingly infinite. If there is an idea or a person that I disagree with, I don't have to discuss those differences. I can simply click to another site or do another search until I find something that supports what I think. There is no mechanism where we learn to tolerate differences let alone explore those differences. I think that is a unique challenge faced by 21st century learners. It is not something that has been a problem before because when you are in a classroom or in a static location you are sort of forced to explore those differences. Even if you don't fully explore them, you are still sharing the same physical space. I think more attention needs to be given to how to share the same virtual space because the lines between virtual communication and real life communication are being blurred at a staggering rate.

Young people have a different attitude about technology than older people do. A lot of older people are leery of technology and are not comfortable with it. Kids that are growing up today are what is known as digital natives. There has never been a time in their lives when they have not had computers as part of the scenery. There has never been a time when they have not been able to go online. Learning how to use a mouse and keyboard is something that they learn early on. I know that my 4 year old is quite proficient with the computer. She can navigate to her favorite websites using the favorites bar that I have set up for her. Both of my older girls taught themselves how to read by using the computer and playing games and being immersed in the printed word. Watching them has me wondering if the role of the teacher shouldn't be evolving.

I know that in libraries there is a lot of talk about the evolving role of librarians. In order to stay relevant, libraries have had to move from the focus on books to the focus on information without regard to its container. Libraries and librarians are fighting hard to stay relevant. I think education needs to take a few lessons from the librarian. A lot of libraries are shutting down in the face of budget cuts and not being a priority. It is sad to say that educational institutions may suffer the same fate because people are becoming more and more disillusioned by the emphasis on standardized testing as a way to measure learning. More and more people are seeing school as a necessary evil rather than a place where kids can go to learn and explore.

Of course, none of the above touches on my thoughts about the rights of the child and how coercive learning methods undermine the learning process. At one time, I don't think there was as much disdain for schools as there is now. At one time, teachers and schools were highly regarded. I know that when I was a kid teachers were largely respected. Sure, people made fun of some of them and there was a lot of grousing but it seemed that everybody recognized WHY it was needed. Everybody recognized that school was one way to gain access to resources that may not be available otherwise. Now, that is being called into question because of the digital world. It is completely changing the educational landscape. I can call out all of the coercive methods that are used in schools and homes but I think the perception is that it is used out of necessity. People have not been given information about the alternatives. I know that I didn't question the traditional paradigms until I saw that there was indeed an alternative. When you have a viable alternative, it becomes much easier to question traditional ideas and existing structures. So, in my mind, in order for people to truly question the way things are being done now is to provide real alternatives.

What would happen if the necessity of coercive methods were called into question? What would happen if we instead focused on making things fun and engaging to get kids attention? Seriously, back in the day, school was pretty cool because there weren't a lot of games. The TV shows available were limited. Homeschooling would have involved sitting at home with your parents or visiting local places. Now, there are all types of support groups and play groups and other groups to support home learning. I can go do a web search and find all kinds of activities within a 100 mile radius. Back in the day, there was no easy way to connect that quickly or that easily.

Back in the day, you could go ride your bike and explore the neighborhood and build forts but school was a place where you could meet new people and make friends. School was appealing for a host of reasons. Now that people can make friends and create networks online, school isn't near as appealing. Think about it from a business model. If you want people to buy your product, your product has to be exciting. It has to have a purpose and be useful. There needs to be something special about it. With all of the technology that is available, schools simply cannot compete. Colleges are doing better because they are making use of the technology to remove geographic boundaries. I teach an online class and I usually have about 100 students give or take a few. Those students are all over the country. There are no boundaries. K-12 schools need to step up and do something or they will become irrelevant. In a lot of cases, they are referred to as testing mills where kids go to learn how to take tests. How is being able to take a test preparing students for the unique learning challenges that will be faced in coming years?

How can we focus on helping everyone learn? How can we get people to realize that the schools of yesterday are not the same places that schools are today? Teachers are typically hard working but I fear that they are clinging to their roles a bit too strongly. I think they cling too much to the idea that they need to be in the driver's seat and need to provide lots of opportunities. Once upon a time, that may have been true but I don't see that as being true today. Kids have access to all kinds of stuff. Adults have access to all kinds of stuff. What is needed is more people that are willing to put their egos aside and step into the passenger seat for a while.

I don't have a lot of answers at this point but hope to explore the idea of 21st century learning more deeply. I have a head full of thoughts and ideas but am not always sure how to get them out in a linear fashion. It is one big thought cloud. On one hand, I don't like schools and think that they are largely unnecessary but on the other hand I recognize that most kids do not have parents that are addicted to learning. Because we are addicted to learning, we take a lot of things for granted. I would like to figure out a way to help others become addicted to learning.

Andragogy

2011-08-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

I started to write this post about child led learning because it seems to be a topic that is very misunderstood. I have been mulling it over for the better part of week but was not able to get to a point where I could write anything coherent. As I was thinking and researching, somebody mentioned that child led learning is basically looking at how adults learn and then applying that to children. That led me to do some research about how adults learn. In the course of my research, I stumbled across the word andragogy.

Andragogy is basically learning theory as it applies to adults. Andragogy is learning theory that focuses on the learner whereas pedagogy is learning theory that is focused on the teacher. Some people say it applies to adult learning only and some people are trying to push for it to be used in all contexts to refer to any learning that focuses on the learner. As I read this, I had a huge aha moment.

In all of my reading and researching about homeschooling, unschooling, and education, I had been focusing all of my searches on children. I had been focusing on how to help my children learn in a non-coercive environment. I had been tapping into the knowledge that I gained as an undergraduate. I am torn between being elated and annoyed. I am elated because that one word has just opened my world up even further. I am annoyed because I had never heard that word before. I had never actively searched for information about adult learning theories. I have been participating in lots of discussions about education so one would think that I would have run across this term somewhere, especially since pretty much every unschooling discussion is about how to focus on helping kids learn rather than teaching them. It is about focusing on the learner and what he or she brings to the table rather than focusing on what the teacher brings to the table.

Malcolm Knowles is the one that began using the term in an academic sense. There are six basic principles of adult learning or andragogy as presented by Knowles. Those are:

Need to Know: Adults need to know why they are learning something. There needs to be an underlying purpose.
Self-concept: Adults need to be responsible for their own learning and should be treated as if they are capable of self-direction.
Learner's experience: Adults have a variety of experiences that they can use as a source for learning. They have a lot of background knowledge, which may include biases.
Readiness to learn: Adults are usually ready to learn when they experience a need for it in real life.
Orientation to Learning: An adults orientation towards learning is typically focused on tasks. It is focused on life or problem solving.
Motivation: Adults are motivated to learn by internal forces rather than external forces.

As I read these six principles, I had an aha moment. In my opinion, this is what people that advocate for unschooling or child-led learning are trying to explain. I can't tell you the number of times that I have seen people, including myself, try to explain the difference between traditional education and the home education approach used by unschoolers or eclectic home educators. I have tried to explain it in terms of being child-led but that is often mistaken as anything goes or the children run the place. I have tried to explain it by comparing it to how I would help my husband learn something, which is also misunderstood. Child led learning or learner centered learning is NOT anything goes and it is NOT sitting around ignoring your children. It requires a lot of work and planning and deliberation on my part.

I think that it might be helpful to explain how Knowles six principles can apply to helping kids learn.

Need to Know: Kids need to know why they are learning something. The tendency is for parents/teachers to teach kids stuff that have no immediate purpose. Kids don't learn things or don't do well in school because they fail understand WHY the information is relevant beyond school. I think a lot of people sell kids short. Kids are perfectly capable of understanding WHY they need to know some things. For example, my oldest daughter asked me to help her learn to write better. She understands that, in order to communicate and be understood online or in person, she needs to be able to write and speak in a coherent fashion. If you can't explain why a kid needs to know something in terms that a kid can understand, then perhaps the kid is right when he/she resists learning.

Self-concept: This one can be a little more tricky because kids need a lot of help and guidance. However, I think kids should be treated as capable. Kids are capable of self-direction if given the opportunity. The problem is that most of the time kids are not treated as though they are capable. Giving somebody the opportunity to direct themselves is not the same as letting them do whatever they want whenever they want. In my opinion, self-direction is only successful if a person understands the limits that are placed on them by society as well as by their own personal abilities. Instead of acting as though kids are incapable of self-direction, it seems that it would make a lot more sense to try to encourage and cultivate it by giving kids a say in what they are doing and taking them seriously.
Learner's experience: Kids my not have as much experience as adults but that can be overcome by creating a lot of rich experiences for kids. Also, kids are gaining experiences from the time they are born. I have found that it is really easy to connect learning to something concrete that we have experienced, read about, or seen first hand. If my kids don't have those experiences to draw from, then I can share my experiences with them or I can find other people to share their experiences. Learning does not happen in a vacuum. Learning is always more meaningful when you can relate it to something that you already know.
Readiness to learn: Adults are usually ready to learn when they experience a need for it in real life. I don't think that kids are much different. In watching my girls, I have seen them learn to read and write because they realize that they need to learn those things in order to be autonomous. My girls want independence. They do not want to come to me and ask me to read or write everything for them. My girls have learned a lot of stuff because they have found a need for that information. Sometimes the needs is to complete a task but sometimes the need arises from curiosity. Curiosity should not be dismissed because it is a very powerful need. People need to understand the larger picture. I know that we have gotten into historical discussions because of observing some phenomenon. For example, my daughter has asked why certain groups of people are treated differently or why people make certain jokes. That has led to discussions about the Holocaust, the Civil War, slavery, women's rights, and a host of other topics. Talking about and learning about those topics help my girls to understand why some things are the way they are.
Orientation to Learning: An adult's orientation towards learning is typically focused on tasks. It is focused on life or problem solving. Again, this is one where I think kids would learn a lot more if they were given the opportunity to be more task oriented. I would say that most of my girls' learning is task oriented. My girls have learned to read and write because it was necessary for a larger task. One of my daughters loves Pokemon. Reading was necessary for her to read the cards and learn about her Pokemon. She wanted to be able to read the books for herself. My oldest likes online games. She is currently learning how to set up and configure gaming servers. In order to do that, she is doing lots and lots of research. She is learning about opening and closing ports. I am amazed at what she is learning in order to complete her desired tasks. I think the problem is that a lot of people don't see the tasks that children want to do as important. A lot of people would have dismissed the goals/tasks involved in gaming because they are not seen as important goals that will have meaning in real life. The work of a child is to learn and play and discover the world. By giving my kids the space to do the work of childhood, I am also giving them the space to identify tasks and problem solve in real world settings. I am giving them the space to orient their own learning towards tasks and problem solving. I think we are all born to learn with an orientation towards problem solving but the traditional focus on pedagogy once kids reach school age interferes with that natural orientation.
Motivation: I think all people learn best when the motivation is internal rather than external. If somebody tries to force me to learn something, I am not as apt to learn it. If I do learn it, it may only be temporary and forgotten a short time later. I have seen first hand that when somebody has internal motivation to learn or do something the results are phenomenal. When you are focusing on pedagogy, you are putting the teacher in charge and are ignoring a person's innate desire to learn. Internal desires are replaced by external forces that may or may not align with a person's needs and desires.

My head is swimming with all of the different implications of moving from a focus on pedagogy to andragogy in all educational settings. This is something that I am going to have to explore further because I think it might make more sense to talk about how people learn rather than differentiating between how adults learn and how children learn. The biggest criticism of using the learner centered approaches is that kids do not have as much experience or background knowledge as adults.

After I typed the sentence above, I was moved to go look up the role prior knowledge has in learning. It is interesting to note that in some cases prior knowledge actually impedes learning. While researching, I came across this article titled, "Learning in Interactive Environments: Prior Knowledge and New Experience" by Jeremy Roschelle that talks all about how prior knowledge is sometimes at odds with material that is presented. I didn't get to read the entire article but want to link to it here so that I can come back to it and read it later. It has a lot of food for thought and will require at least one thorough reading before I can make more sense out of it.

Another article that I came across explores prior knowledge and its relation to education. I really like what this article has to say about how education seems to put too much emphasis on prior knowledge and underestimates the imagination of students. It is called What Exactly is “Prior Knowledge?” by Jack Farrell.

I think it is time for me to wrap up this post and sit on some of this for a while.

Further reading about andragogy as it applies to adult learning theories. I haven't read them all in as much detail as I would like but here they are so I can find them again:

Andragogy and Technology: Integrating Adult Learning Theory As We Teach With Technology by Dolores Fidishun, Ed.D.

MOVING FROM PEDAGOGY TO ANDRAGOGY (Adapted and Updated from Hiemstra, R., & Sisco, B. (1990). Individualizing instruction. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.)

21st Century Schools – Pedagogy Must Give Way to Andragogy by Thomas

Learning All the Time

2011-08-29T20:36:00.000-05:00

One of the best things about homeschooling is that we get to learn all the time. There is no distinction between when we are learning and when we are not learning. Learning happens all the time. Here lately, I have been really happy with how much we have been learning so I thought it would be cool to share some of the weird times that we have learned about things.

Most recently, we were swimming as a family. My oldest started asking about grammar and punctuation. She said that she doesn't want to be dumb. She recognizes the need to communicate using correct grammar and spelling. Pretty much the whole time we were swimming we were talking about when to use a comma and other punctuation. It is interesting because I have been watching her chat with family members on instant messaging programs and she is incorporating all of those things into her communications. It is pretty awesome because I hear so many people complain about kids using text talk. My oldest very seldom uses text talk because she wants to practice doing things the correct way.

My 7 year old has been learning to spell. In the course of a day, she will ask how to spell a word countless times. Sometimes I will spell it out to her from across the room and other times she will come up to me with a pen and paper. We have a word list that she is compiling so that she doesn't have to ask as often. It is great because it is a family thing. My husband, my oldest daughter, and I are always available to spell things for her. That is exactly how my oldest learned to spell too. She is a pretty awesome speller.

One of our favorite learning times is in the car. We like to go out driving because it seems that being out and about always leads to questions. My girls notice things about the world around them and ask questions about those things. It can be a billboard that they see while we are driving down the road. It can be a family at the store that is different. It can be an animal or a plant that they see on the side of the road.

Another favorite learning time is bed time. It seems like getting ready for bed at night is when the questions flow most easily. We will be talking about our day and somebody will come up with some topic that needs to be explored or talked about. A lot of times it is along the lines of how things work. Sometimes it is about why do some people do what they do. It runs the gamut. Sometimes, we will even get out of bed to go do some research. Youtube videos are a great source of quick information.

I am in awe of how curious my girls are. I am in awe of how much they know and learn. I love it when my husband asks me if I have read an article only to find out that I haven't read it by my oldest daughter has. Then I get to sit and listen to my husband and my daughter talk about it. I can't put into words how awesome our life is. My husband and I learn so much from each other as well as our kids. We love our lifestyle of learning!!!!

Fresh Reading of Gatto

2011-08-26T23:11:00.002-05:00

I recently loaned out my copy of "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling" by John Taylor Gatto. When I got it back, I sat down and reread some of it. I ran across a couple of passages that really spoke to me and helped me to clarify some of my own thinking. I want to share some of those passages along with my thoughts. It is amazing what re-reading something with a brand new perspective will do.

The natural solution to learning to live together in a community is first to learn to live apart as individuals and as families. Only when you feel good about yourself can you feel good about others. (Gatto p. 71)

This is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately because there seems to be such a push for kids to get lots of social interaction. There is a huge push for people to be a part of something. I have had a lot of conflicting feelings about this. I love to socialize and hang out with friends whenever I get the chance. However, it is not something that I want to do all the time. After re-reading some of this book I think I was able to figure out why I have been uneasy about some things. First, one of the things that is pointed out is that communities are being pushed as a way to replace families. If a person isn't given the time to find themselves as an individual, it is more likely that they will conform to whatever it is the community wants without figuring things out for themselves first.

Earlier in the book, Gatto makes a distinction between communities, networks/institutions, and pseudo communities. I am a bit fuzzy on all of the distinctions but his description of networks remind me a lot of the way social networks act. It is just a bunch of people that don't really care about each other. The interactions are fleeting and superficial. Nobody really gets to know anybody else and there is a certain amount of anonymity. There is a lack of connection. At times, it seems like grasping at straws.

The following quote from the book captures what I have been wondering, especially with regards to children:Does central legal intimidations produce the social results it promises? Not so long ago narcotics were legal in the United States; while they were always a pernicious nuisance, they never became an epidemic before legislation prohibiting their use came into existence. Is it possible that compelling people to do something guarantees that they will do it poorly, with a bad will, or indifferently, unless you are willing, as the Army is, to suspend most human rights and use any degree of intimidation necessary? And if the latter is the only way that compulsion can produce results, what is the human value of using it if it diminishes the quality of human life? (Gatto p. 84)

As I read this, I found myself applying it to the parent/child relationship. I have always wondered how forcing/compelling a child to do something will lead to good results. I have always been of the opinion that there has to be another way. I see a lot of the compelling/forcing that is done to children as diminishing the quality of their lives. I have never been comfortable with it. I know that force and coercion works on some levels. But does it work for an extended period of time?

I want my children to learn how to be a part of society but I do not want to force it on them. I want my kids to learn how to read and write and do arithmetic but I want them to learn those things because they see the value in them. I want my kids to learn how to interact with others and how to be nice and all of those other things that are considered "necessary" to be a part of society.

I was recently doing some research on punishment and it was weird that I kept getting a lot of results about dog training and animals. I stumbled upon some forums and it was weird that so much of the discussion about dogs paralleled a lot of the discussions that take place on parenting forums. There is very little information out there that openly questions the need to use force, punishment, discipline, or all of the other ways that are used to manipulate and coerce children into becoming the people that their parents want them to be. It is no wonder that so many people are messed up in the head. People are taken from their families and are placed in places away from parents or other caring family members. Even when they are with their parents, they are being controlled and told what to do and how to do it.

It seems like there is no emphasis on the individual or individual identities. It is all about fitting into a group. It is all about putting the needs of the group ahead of the individual. Any attempt at becoming an individual is thwarted. I think one of the things mentioned in Gatto's book is that people that are allowed to find themselves and become individuals are much better at contributing to the group and supporting the group. I have to wonder if the reason that society has become so selfish and rude is because everyone is struggling to find themselves in a society that does not value the individual. I know that sounds crazy but it is something that I have been wondering about.

Age is Just a Number

2011-08-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

Somebody recently commented on one of my posts and said that children are not mini adults and should not be treated as such. I have been thinking about this a lot. I have been thinking about how adults are typically treated versus how kids are typically treated. I am not sure where I stand on the issue of treating kids like adults because I think both are often mistreated based on a number (age). Kids should not be talked down to nor should they be underestimated. However, they also should not be put in situations that are beyond their abilities. I honestly think age is not always relevant. What is more relevant is interest and ability.

What I would like to see is for people to stop looking at age alone. Judging somebody based on their age is no different than judging them based on their gender, skin color, religion, or some other factor. Sure, certain groups share common characteristics. That is not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is looking at each individual child as a whole person right now at this very minute. What I would like to see is more partnering with children.

I hate hearing things like, "She is two, she can't do that." Why the heck can't my two year old dress herself? Why must her clothes be perfectly matching? My older girls still want my help with getting dressed, but not my two year old. The way I look at it is to help each person according to his or her need. It seems kind of simple. If my kid needs my help, I don't see the point of saying, "But you are <fill in the age>, you should be able to do it yourself." If that were the case, then they wouldn't be asking.

What is the old adage about fishing? I think it is something like, "If you give a man one fish, he has dinner. If you teach him how to fish for himself, he will have dinner for the rest of his life." That sums up what I advocate. I advocate helping kids learn how to fish for themselves. In order for them to learn how to fish, I need to show them how to do it. I need to give them the opportunity to try it out for themselves. Letting them try things for themselves with me there as a guide or helper is quite different than simply letting kids do whatever they want whenever they want with absolutely no input. I want to teach them to fish by riding in the boat with them. I don't like it when kids are put in a boat, shoved out to the middle of the lake, and told, "Now start fishing!"

Of course, the fishing analogy only works if somebody has an interest in fishing. Somebody recently posted the following on Facebook: ‎"If you teach a man to fish, he may eat for a lifetime. Unless he hates to eat fish. Then you will have just wasted his time." - Demand Euphoria

I have been working on this post for a while because I wasn't quite sure how to word what I want to say. I thought of a couple of different stories to illustrate what I am talking about. I am still not sure if I am satisfied with this but I often think about my grandma when I think about age being used as a means to dismiss people or make assumptions about ability.

My grandma has Alzheimer's, which means that her mental faculties are greatly diminished. There are days when she can't remember what she had for breakfast. If somebody met her on the street, they would not realize that her mental faculties are diminished. She can make small talk but she can't always remember who her grand kids are and she cannot be relied upon to take her medicine. If one were to look at her age alone, they might assume that she can do more than she actually can. I here people say, "You are an adult, you should be able to <fill in the blank>." The truth is that being an adult does not automatically mean that you can do certain things. There are some skills that some people never develop. There are some skills related to personality and temperament that are beyond some people's ability no matter how old they are.

Another analogy is getting hired at a new job. Which of the following scenarios is preferable?

Scenario 1: You get hired at a new job. The boss shows you around and introduces you to your coworkers. The boss arranges for a mentor as well as some training in local procedures. You are slowly introduced to the job and have support along the way. When you mess up learning your new job, somebody is there to help you out and tell you how not to mess up. They sit with you and review your work until you have demonstrated that you can do the work without help. Once you are left on your own, you have a mentor to go to for questions.

Scenario 2: You get hired at a new job. The boss shows you around and gives you a training manual but gives you very little information otherwise. You sit down at your desk to try to figure out what to do based on the manuals and documentation. Nobody bothers to tell you that one of the procedures have changed until after you mess up. After you mess up, you are reprimanded and told to do better next time but are never really given instructions on how to improve. There is no mentor and you are instructed to use the outdated manuals that were given to you when you started.

Of the two scenarios above, which is preferable? I prefer scenario one. Scenario one is the scenario that I try to create with my kids. I try to give them lots of information and I try to be there for them in case they have questions or concerns. If they screw up, we talk about it. I give them information about how not to screw up again. I hold their hand if need be. I do whatever it takes to help them be successful because ultimately, I want them to be able to do things for themselves. The only way that is going to happen is if I help them without worrying about their age.

Each child is different. Each child has different skills and abilities. My now 2 year old can dress herself and find her own clothes. None of my other kids could do that at the age of 2. Instead of getting caught up on age, I look at each individual child and help each child according to his or her need.

Parental Support

2011-08-15T20:00:00.001-05:00

I was originally going to title this post "Gaming and Socialization" because I was going to address some comments that were made about my post on socialization. Initially, I strongly disagreed with the comments, but after thinking about them some more, I found that I actually agreed with them on some level. I don't care whether you are talking about gaming or socialization or anything else. For me, it boils down to whether or not there are caring adults to help children navigate the world.

When I say things that about schools that are perceived as bad, many times that is not my intention. Schools are limited in what they can do for children. The very nature of a school makes it difficult for kids to get the level of support that they need. Some kids need more support than others. Let's face it, schools cannot possibly teach kids everything that they need to know. Right now, the main focus in schools is academics and testing. Teacher do not have the time or the resources to give every single kid the emotional support that they may need. Morals, emotional development, and other things that may be considered touchy feely falls outside the scope of public schools. If schools tried to teach some of those things, they would get in lots of trouble. It should be up to the parent to help kids learn things like empathy and morals and associated concepts.

As I was thinking about all this, it occurred to me that most people misunderstand what I do because they do not understand the level of involvement that my husband and I have in our kids lives. Some people may say that we are overly involved while others say that we are not involved enough because we do give our kids lots of room to make decisions. We give our kids lots of freedoms but those freedoms are almost always tempered by us being present. Those freedoms are tempered by us giving our kids lots of information and guidance.

Here is the comment that was made about me letting my girls play World of Warcraft:

"Not the type of stuff I want molding my child's psyche. Racism, bullying, foul language, etc.....all magnified by the lack of accountability involved with not having to speak to someone's face. Additionally, I am not sure that exposing children to the type of people who spend hours a day playing games in a fake reality is the best way of "socializing" them. The reason that many of these people turn to this alternate reality, is because of their inability to realte to people in a face to face setting. Regardless of your opinion, I think that everyone would agree that these games draw a certain type of person. Whatever happened to going outside?"

I am not going to argue about the type of person that is drawn to gaming. My girls and I have had discussions about the type of people that they run into while gaming. I am not going to argue about racism, bullying, foul language, or any of the other "bad" aspects of gaming. I know what those things are and so do my girls. For me, the most important thing is whether or not there is a caring parent or adult involved. Gaming is not the best thing in the world, but it also isn't the worst thing in the world. It is merely one option among many. It is up to me to give my kids lots of options and then support them when they choose from one of the many options.

I think anything that is done without the support of a parent is diminished. I know a young lady that used to go do lots of cool stuff with us. While at our destination or on our way to the destination, she would look sad. I would ask her about it and she would say that she was having a great time but that she wished her mom was there to share it with her. Something that would normally be considered awesome was diminished because there was no parental involvement. I know plenty of kids that are into gaming but do not have the support of their parents. The parents will not take the time to find anything good about gaming. They only see the negative. Only seeing the negative is no better than only seeing the positive without acknowledging and making allowances for the bad.

I think the thing that the person was missing is that I am very aware of the negative aspects of online interactions. I am also very aware of the positives. As the parent, it is my job to be aware of the positives ad negatives and make allowances for both. It is my job to make sure that my girls are aware of the potential dangers of online gaming. As the parent, it is my job to talk to them and watch them play. It is part of my job to be there for them and help them navigate tough situations.

I think the thing that was missed in my original post on socialization is that gaming is not used as the only method of "socialization". It is one thing among many. The person that made the above comment seemed to hang on to the fact that I said that my girls were gamers RIGHT NOW. That is very different from saying that they are going to be gamers forever. Just because we do something right now does not mean that it will be done forever. I know lots of people that were gamers as teens and went on to have successful careers. Saying that my kids are gamers does not mean that they don't go outside. It does not mean that they sit at home hiding in a bedroom shut off from the rest of the world. Our computers are set up in a common area so that the girls are playing in the presence of others. I can talk to them and they can talk to me.

I want to address the idea that people turn to online gaming because they don't know how to relate to people in reality. Initially, this annoyed me but the more I thought about it, the more I agreed with it on some levels. First, some people live in situations that are oppressive. Escaping into an online game is a great way to live with that. If a kid spends all day at school and then comes home and has to do homework, what is wrong with escaping into an online game? Because my girls are homeschooled, they do not have the same things to deal with that their public schooled counterparts do.

I was thinking about whether or not my girls were using gaming as a form of escape. I honestly don't think so, at least not in the traditional sense. Right now, our area is facing an extreme drought and record heat. My van does not have a working rear air conditioner. So, we are currently staying close to home, which means that they are doing a lot of gaming. During the cooler months, we go out a lot more. We spend a lot of time at my mom's house, which sits on 32 acres and does not have Internet access. The only option there is to run and play outside and visit with family. During the cooler months, we do more stuff away from home. Gaming as a way to escape the heat isn't a bad thing.

My other thoughts are: What is wrong with gaming and enjoying it? Why does something have to be "wrong" with somebody that chooses gaming? Would you say that a book worm should be forced to not read because it is not socializing them properly? Where do you draw the line? Why does everybody automatically look at the negatives instead of seeing the positives? Would people rather have kids sitting at home being obnoxious on a game or would people rather those same kids be out in society creating havoc?

The quoted statement that I listed above is operating from a couple of assumptions. The first assumption is that gamer equals somebody that doesn't go outside or do anything but gaming. It almost seems as though the assumption is that my girls are locked up in a room with no outside contact. That is not the case at all. We have a computer lab of sorts set up in a common area so that nobody can get online without me knowing about it. If my girls are gaming, I am in the room with them. I am looking over their shoulder from time to time. I am talking to them about what is going on. I am helping them navigate tough situations. My girls know that they can set other players to ignore. If another player is too out of line, we can report the offenders to the game developer so that the person gets banned. My girls and I talk about which servers are "safe" and which ones are not. There are some servers that are known for bad behavior. My girls tend to shy away from those.

Another interesting quote responding to my post on socialization that I felt needed to be addressed:

"Teaching your kids not to conform is all well and good until they need to go out and find a job that requires conformity. There are only so many job listings for "Free thinking professor at New England liberal arts college".

I would like to know where I said anything about teaching my kids not to conform. My kids know that conforming is sometimes necessary. Instead of calling it conforming, we like to focus on the fact that there is a time and a place for everything. When my daughter goes to church with her dad, she knows that there are certain expectations that she must meet. My girls know that you can't go to a grocery store and run through the isles screaming Leroy Jenkins at the top of your lungs while wielding a sword. They know that they would probably get kicked out of the store or arrested for doing something like that.

Emphasizing decision making skills is not the same as pushing non-conformity. There is a huge range of options between 'always conforming' and 'never conforming'. Being able to think for yourself does not mean that you will never fit into society. Being able to think for yourself does not mean that you will never be able to get a job. I am really bothered that people think my emphasizing making decisions and giving people information equals non-conformity. If it does, then I am scared. I am scared because that means that society does not want people to think. Society only wants people that will blindly follow and do what they are told. Society does not want people to have information. That bothers me as a parent, a librarian, and a teacher.

How many kids do bad stuff because parents are not involved? How many kids make bad decisions because they have no support? How many kids would make better decisions if they were given real information? Real information is not the same as saying "gaming will rot your brain." Real information means taking the time to explore WHY it might rot your brain. Real information takes time to convey. Real information means that I sit down with my girls and look at the things that are being said in their games. Real information involves keeping an open dialogue.

I was recently a part of a discussion where a mom was asking about a 5 year old. The mom didn't seem to understand that 5 year olds need lots of support. They need lots of interaction. They need lots of guidance. You can't leave a kid to his or her own devices and expect them to figure it all out for themselves. Kids need more information. Kids need more involvement from parents and adults.

You can limit a child's gaming experiences but that is not going to make an ounce of difference if the parent is largely absent and uninvolved. Whether it is gaming or socialization or TV or reading or gardening, the results are always going to be better when there is an adult that will actively partner with the child and help them find safe ways to explore their interests.

The Power of Gaming

2011-08-09T01:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted much in the last couple of days because the computers have all been in use. The last couple of days have been pretty awesome. My niece has been hanging out with us and all of the girls have gotten on Minecraft. I have really been enjoying watching them create a virtual world. The coolest part is that my oldest figured out how to create her own server. My girls are always amazing me with their creativity and resourcefulness. The things that my girls are learning as a result of their gaming amazes me.

I have to admit that I was very leery of letting them get too involved in gaming. The more I read about the benefits of gaming and the more I take the time to sit with them and watch them and talk to them, the more I realize that so many people are missing out on a lot of learning opportunities because they are not willing to embrace gaming. Even if you don't like gaming, at least give those that you love the support that they need to embrace it. I have done a lot of research about the benefits of gaming. One of the best places for gaming information is Sandra Dodd's collection of links about the Benefits of Video Games. The page is geared towards unschoolers so it might be a bit of a turn off for some people. I tried to find some other resources that are a bit more mainstream.

Forbes.com posted an interesting article about Gaming's Health Benefits.

The U.S. Department of Defense posted a nice article called "Researchers Examine Video Gaming's Benefits". I really like that it discussed the idea of fluid intelligence, which is "the ability to change, to meet new problems and to develop new tactics and counter-tactics. Fluid intelligence, he explained, allows us to solve problems without prior knowledge or experience." I see my girls developing fluid intelligence in their games all the time. My oldest asked me to help her figure out how to set up a server for Minecraft. My husband and I did some research and our initial response was that we didn't have the tools to do it. My oldest was not happy with our answer so she did her own research and found answers that we didn't. Our prior knowledge and experience was interfering with our ability to find a creative solution. She does not have the level of prior knowledge that her dad and I have so she was able to see things that we didn't.

BBC also posted a really good article that speaks to a lot of my direct concerns about gaming. The article is titled, "How Gaming is All Work and No Play". It points out that gamers are learning a lot about character development. The thing that makes me feel the best is that it points out that online gamers are not isolating themselves. Instead of isolation, they are expanding their friendships. I have seen first hand how much socializing occurs in the context of gaming. I sometimes worry that we don't go out enough. You know, gamers have been painted to be some kind of anti-social weirdo. Of course, when add homeschooling to that, well, you can only imagine the kind of looks that I get when I mention that my girls are homeschooled and they like gaming.

Another interesting point that the BBC article brings up is that a lot of gaming involves work. I know that I have watched my girls play their games. I know that World of Warcraft requires the player to choose a character and a profession. Each profession has tools and quests associated with it. I have watched my girls set goals. I have watched my girls help each other as well as other players. I have seen them work towards a goal in order to level up. As I watch my girls play, I am astounded by how much effort is made towards "work" in their virtual world.

Another interesting article for those that aren't convinced that games are full of learning is from the Christian Science Monitor titled "Video Games Start to Shape Classroom Curriculum". It talks about encouraging teachers to incorporate games and gaming into the classroom. One of the concepts that I loved was to replace tests with games because games are actually much better at gauging mastery than a test is.

I think one of the coolest things that I came across while doing some research was an entire curriculum based on World of Warcraft. There is a Wiki about WOW in School to get some idea of what it is. I didn't really need to see that somebody had created a curriculum for WOW to know that it is full of learning. I can sit and list some of the things that my girls are picking up from playing WOW. To list a few: map skills, social skills, professions, taxonomy, time zones, geography, goal setting, and a bunch more! That is just what I could think of off the top of my head. My niece and I sat down one day and talked about all of the different concepts that are used when playing WOW. Since she plays it, she knows it much better than I do.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that my girls have recently started playing Minecraft. I found a really cool site about a teacher that uses Minecraft. The blog is called "The Minecraft Teacher". It chronicles how one teacher uses Minecraft in his classroom.

I am sure that a lot of people could provide me with lots of information about the negatives of gaming. I have thought about all of the negatives. I have fretted over the negatives. I have moments where I have been petrified about ruining my girls by letting them play video games. At the end of the day, I have had to weigh the pro's and con's very carefully. The single best factor for helping me get past my fears was to talk to my girls and actually sit down and watch them play and talk to them about what they are doing. It also makes me feel better to see mainstream media putting out articles about the positives of gaming. I think something else that helps me to feel better about it is seeing that the games that my girls are playing are rich in learning opportunities.

Child Bans, Parental Support, and Being Disconnected

2011-08-08T14:42:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of press lately about child bans and 'bratty' kids in public. My first response is to be repulsed by the idea that kids are actually being banned from public places. I am repulsed by it and it really pisses me off. The child bans confirm what I have been saying about the fact that children are the most marginalized group in society.

Part of me wants to scream but another part of me wonders if it isn't just another symptom of an overly hurried society. I have been reading a lot about being mindful and slowing down. I have been questioning the need for constant activities. I have been questioning the need to be busy all the time. I have been trying to look at everything and see if there is more than meets the eye. It seems to me that there has to be some underlying reason that lots and lots of people are wanting to pretend children don't exist.

I have a couple different theories about why children are being targeted. My first thought is that society no longer likes children. I am not sure why but I wonder if it has to do with the fact that children are unpredictable. The puzzling thing about this is that nobody is truly predictable. It really annoys me that loud and obnoxious children are being pointed out all over the place. I don't see people writing stories about annoying adults.

I will never forget the day that I went shopping with my oldest daughter. We were standing in line at the check out and there was this guy standing in the middle of the isle yelling for a manager. He stood there and complained and made a real ass out of himself. There were lots of kids in the store that day but none of them were as loud or as obnoxious as that guy. As we were walking out, I said something to him and he got ugly. I stared him down and said, "You, sir, are an ass!" That isn't the only time that I have witnessed stuff like that.

People are complaining about kids that don't know how to behave. How in the world are kids going to learn how to behave when the adults are not setting a good example? How are kids going to learn how to behave in public if they are never allowed in public? It really has me perplexed. Why is it that adults are allowed to have bad days but kids aren't? I know a lot of really good parents that have bad days. When we are having a good day, my kids are great. When we are having a bad day, my children act out, get loud, and do a lot of the other "bad" stuff that people find annoying. A kid having a bad day isn't that much different than an adult having a bad day. Why can't we ban bad days instead of bad kids?

I know a lot of people that don't have kids. It is interesting to note that most of them are more tolerant and more supportive of me than other parents are. I have seen a lot of people claim that the problem is the fact that the world is full of so many childless couples. I am beginning to think that the problem isn't the childless people but that it is other parents. I think that other parents are the most critical of kids because there seems to be unwritten expectations of parents. I know that when we go out as a family, I am keenly aware of the stares and snide remarks. It wasn't quite as bad when I only had one or two kids. Now that I have four kids, it is sometimes unbearable. I just want to run home screaming because I can only take hearing "You really have your hands full" so many times. I want to reply, "Well thank you Captain Obvious?" I can only tolerate being asked, "Are they all yours?" so many times. Why is it that other people are so interested in other people's business? Before I had kids, nobody seemed to care. Once you have kids, it seems that people come out of the wood work to tell you how to parent. People come out of the wood work to point out your inadequacies. The ones that seem to be the most vocal are other parents.

I think a lot of the dynamic that is occurring is a result of the fact that we no longer live in villages or communities where there is a lot of support. There is no longer individual support. We all live in communities where we are disconnected from each other. There are only a couple of kids that live on my street and they don't come down our way much. The only neighbors that I have talked to in the 8 years that I have lived in my neighborhood are the ones that are next door or across the way. The one next door had a problem with my kids' toys being in our backyard. Apparently he didn't like seeing the toys and hearing the kids play on them. It is weird because they are parents and grandparents. I sometimes wonder if seeing and hearing my kids didn't make them sad because it magnified the fact that they did not get to see their own kids or grand kids with any kind of regularity. The other option is that they are heartless jerks. I would rather believe that there is something about seeing and hearing kids that strikes a sensitive spot in them that they don't know how to deal with.

I have read quite a bit about how other societies (especially historically) handled children. Once upon a time, when a woman got pregnant and had children, the village would rally around them and support them. Wisdom was passed down from one generation to the next. Parents got to see other parents in action. There were built in support networks within families and within communities. Nowadays, it seems that parents pretty much have to figure things out for themselves. In a lot of cases, there is no support structure. If a parent wants to go out without their children, they have to plan for a sitter and jump through a bunch of hoops.

Parents get out so seldom without their children that the last thing they want to do when they go out is be around more kids. I know that I have had that feeling a time or two. It isn't that I don't like kids. It is the fact that I get so little time away from my children. I think moms need more support. I bet most moms would say that they would love to be able to go shopping without having their children tag along. I don't want people to take that wrong. I like shopping with my kids when they are older. Shopping with a toddler can be a real pain in the butt. We can make it through one, maybe two stores, with our 2 and 4 year olds. We have handled it by not taking the little ones to places that require them to be still or quiet. We also don't take them to do any kind of big shopping either. I am very lucky that my husband will do the grocery shopping and run errands for me. Lots of moms do not have that option. Lots of moms are forced to do the shopping with a cranky or excited toddler in tow.

I wonder what society expects those parents to do. Are those families supposed to go without groceries or not pay bills or not do the other things that are necessary to function? My husband and I are lucky enough to be able to give our kids the option of not going to places that might be too overwhelming. Most families aren't that lucky.

Once upon a time, kids could go hang out with a neighbor while mom went to town. Now, parents are forced to take their kids with them to run errands and do other things. The kid would rather NOT go and the parent would rather not take them. Who wants to be drug around to a bunch of stores that are boring and uninteresting? That is a recipe for disaster. The truth is that parents don't have those kinds of options. Instead of banning children, it seems that it would be better for society as a whole to support parents

I think a lot of the push for getting kids out of public is a direct result of being overwhelmed. We went out this past weekend and it really put things into perspective. As I watched the people around us, I noticed that everyone seemed hurried. Everyone seemed to be on the brink of something. I realize that is a generalization but our society is filled with too much stimulation. When you leave your house, you are bombarded with traffic, buildings, concrete, noises of all kinds, and lots of other distractions. It occurred to me that kids are an easy target because they have no power. There is no way that society is going to cut down on other distractions because all of those distractions are related to profits.

I have been working on this post for a week or so and have decided to posted it as is. I am not sure where else to go with it or how to wrap it up. I have lots of thoughts on these topics so I am sure that you will hear more from me on these topics.

Over-Hurried and Over-Tired: We All Need a Jigglypuff

2011-08-03T15:31:00.000-05:00

I had some big long winded post typed out but I wasn't sure where to go with it. I was touching on the push for places that are child-free. I was looking at how over-tired and over-hurried we are. It was one big thought jumble. While I was writing, I was reminded of one of my favorite Pokemon episodes.

The episode that I am talking about is called "The Song of Jigglypuff". Jigglypuff is a Pokemon that is known for singing lullabies that can put people to sleep. In the episode that I have linked, Ash and his friends go to a town called Neon Town, which is a place that is open 24/7 and if full of bright lights and lots of stimulation. People in the town are rude and inconsiderate. They are in a hurry and other people are seen as obstacles to be moved.

I am writing about this particular episode because Jigglypuff is taken into town and sings through a PA system. The result is that the entire town goes to sleep. When everyone wakes up, they are all much nicer. Things are much slower and everybody is happy once again. Every time I watch this episode with my girls, I am reminded that we all need our sleep. Sleep deprivation can do all kinds of things to our bodies and our minds. I know that when I am overly tired, I get grumpy. No matter how hard I try to be nice when I am tired, I fail miserably. It seems that the only way to combat the grumpiness is to make sure that I get enough sleep. I have seen the same thing in my girls and my husband. Nothing will lead to grumpiness quicker than being over tired and over stimulated.

There has recently been a lot of talk about child bans because kids are seen as an inconvenience. One of the scenes early on in the Pokemon episode that I have linked is a scene where somebody in the town yells at the kids and tells them that they shouldn't be out and should go to bed. It reminds me of exactly the way a lot of people treat kids. It reminds me of how it feels when going out and being in the midst of a bunch of people that seem to be on fast forward. If kids are kept out of public places, that is just one less thing to get in people's way. They can press the fast forward button and go full speed ahead without stopping to think.

Instead of saying any more, I am going to recommend that you watch the Jigglypuff episode that I have linked. Even if you don't like Pokemon or anime, watch it from the perspective of it being social commentary. It is commenting about how over hurried and over tired we are as a society. My girls and I have lots of fun conversations about how cartoons and anime provide lots of food for thought with regard to society!